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Episode Recap: Poo-poo on Paula
Nothing says LOL like kicking off your reality show with some good ol’-fashioned fecal humor. Yes, Paula hid poopy-looking beef jerky in her assistant’s bed, and it was a (toilet) bowl full of ROFL-laughter. Not!
Come on, Paula. What’s next? Placing your assistant’s finger in a warm glass of water after she falls asleep? Maybe stealing her panties and putting them in the freezer? How about filling her hand with whipping cream and then tickling her nose? You’d most definitely be the hit of my third-grade sleepover, hands down! Not!
Then Paula got the news that “the people” in charge of the Bratz movie would “no longer need her services.” Y’all know that there’s a real juicy story behind this oh-so diplomatic soft-dump; now, that’s the kind of reality television I want to watch! I mean, what could Paula have done that was so heinous that it turned off a bunch of studio execs who are in charge of turning big-headed cartoon tween sluts into a live-action pop-culture summer blockbuster?
Sadly, we never find out why Paula gets the old Hollywood heave-ho. Instead, we get the pictorial pleasure (Not!) of watching the pop star dissolve into her seemingly on-cue tears for the second time in the show’s first four minutes. Oh, Paula, save those snuffles and star in a made-for-television Lifetime movie. You’re “I-love-my-Jimmy-Bob-even-though-he-beats-me!” Emmy gold waiting to happen.
The show’s true dramatic arc came, however, when Paula realized that she may not have hair and makeup services before her appearance on Letterman. Her ensuing psychotic break with celeb-reality left me thinking one thing and one thing only: “At least this girl’s got her priorities in order. I mean, who can even think about global poverty, starvation, genocide or war when they don’t know who will be conducting their next straight-ironing!”
I forced my father, a 50+ Midwestern computer technician who is completely devoid of all things mainstream zeitgeist to watch the episode with me. He, perhaps, said best what every viewer was thinking: “Why doesn’t that girl just shut her mouth and pick up a comb…?” I don’t know, Dad. I don’t know.
Watching Paula and her people prep for the Letterman appearance was like watching paint dry... only less exciting. At least when paint dries, you see the subtlety of color hues as the shifting of tone adheres to the walls. You witness the vibrant emulsion as it coats the intricate texturing of the painted surfaces. Paula’s preparation had no colorful hues or intricate vibrancies. Producers somehow managed to fill 10 minutes with the nonsensical ramblings of her new assistant, Patty, and her “stylist” (and my arch rival!), Kiley.
But the most disturbing part of the episode was Paula’s encounter with Megan, her self-described “super-fan." Now, Megan, if you’re reading this, please know that I love you, for we are like-minded when it comes to our pop-star adoration. I was once a Backstreet Boys FANatic. Their posters covered all of my bedroom walls. I knew all of their "Quit Playing Games with My Heart" dance moves. I’ll admit it: I even cried a little when AJ went to rehab. (OK, I cried a lot....)
But I didn’t do it on national television! Megan, you came across looking less like a lover of pop music and more like ButterTeeth McStickyHair. Ten years from now, when you’re sitting home alone on prom night with your seven Persian cats and a bucket of Ben & Jerry’s in your lardy lap, don’t fall to your saggy knees and ask god “Why?!” Instead, TiVo back to this episode of Hey Paula and you’ll have the basic-cable justification behind your forever-to-be-single state.
Clinging Paula desperately, Megan cried (for no apparent reason): “I’m so scared!” We are, too, Ms. McStickyHair. We are, too.
Was this episode worth its space on my DVR? That’s a 100 percent Paula positive yes! (Not!)
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Jul 20, 2007 2:27 AM
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OMG Micheal, you have me cracking up. That pratical joke was very lame. But she put the fake poop in the girls bag not the bed. But it was still lame.
I would love to wonder why she was given the heave-ho too. But Paula don't worry about getting axed from this movie....cause I have a feeling it will be a bomb. Actually I know it would be a bomb.
I have never seen anybody cry this much on tv before. She cries more than Amber on Big Brother. I know she could of done her own hair and make-up for Letterman. Before she was famous, who did her hair and make-up? Paula. Get a grip Paula. And get Dr. Phil.
Before Paula and co. left to go to NY, they went shopping in the hotel's gift shop. I know they could of went downtown Philly to go shopping...the streets looked cleared to me.
Well it look in next week's episode is going to be another cry fest from Paula. Good grief.
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Jul 20, 2007 7:55 AM
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Wow, a little cruel to Megan, don't you think? Yeah, she was a little over the top in her Paula worship, but to predict she will be a "lardy" cat lady who will never get a date?
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Jul 20, 2007 8:20 AM
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Personally, that Megan stuff was LOL gold. If you can't LOL at her, who can you laugh at... Right?
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Jul 20, 2007 10:11 AM
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Is it sad that I'm excited to see the Bratz movie? (FYI, I'm a grown married man.)
I think I just may have answered my own ?
PS: Paula, I love you. But your show producers SUCK! REALLY BAD! I tune in week after week, hoping to see something funny or original, and it's just boring. Save this show, Bravo!
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Jul 20, 2007 10:14 AM
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DuckEDale... Oh, how you seem to hate my attempts at witty humor-esque barbs! Please know that I mean no harm; I'm just trying to put smiles on the faces of TGIF-ed cubicile-bound office workers across the USofA! I, myself, am a lardy cat lady who will never yet a date! I gotta represent my peeps, yo! 
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Jul 20, 2007 10:21 AM
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Michael, you are right...I'm riding you like the pony I never got for Christmas and I apologize. I get the joke, but as a parent of preteens I hate to see kids as an object of ridicule. I am also really sad that Paula has turned out to be the train wreck that everyone predicted her to be. Please forgive my lacking sense of humor. PS - There's nothing wrong with a couple of cats in the house. 10 cats, that's a different story.
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Jul 20, 2007 10:57 AM
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While I was being busy being stuffy and staid, I forgot to mention how sad I thought it was when Paula was crying over the Bratz movie and her assistants were back in the other room laughing at her. Maybe this kind of thing is part of why she's such a mess.
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Jul 20, 2007 12:47 PM
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Doesn't Letterma have hair and make up people?
How sad is it that all the people Paula PAYS just roll their eyes and look annoyed while she has fit after fit.
Paula has insomina which is a treatable condition. Even if she doesn't want to take drugs there are herbal and alternative treatments avaliable.
Why is Paula never feed? How was Paula paying for the stuff in the gift shop? She never has money or credit/debit cards. She literally begs for money.
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Jul 23, 2007 1:21 AM
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I have watched about 4 episodes of HEY PAULA, and I am beginning to feel like either Paula is Bipolar, or she really needs some better producers, and editors of this show.
She is up one moment and then in despair the next. Then you get the in your face commentaries, shot after the fact, when she is calm and pulled together. That is fine, she "saves" herself and explains why she acted as she did.
She worries about her "image", but she is not well taken care of by her assistants and the people around her.
She is either over taxed by too much too do, and these paid employees do not really help her get sleep, eat, have money, give emotional/self-esteem support. Rather, they are rolling eyes at her antics, so what the heck is going on?
I have no idea how many celebrities have such a large entourage, but as many as she has, she is not being helped by them, and it shows. If they can not be helpful, they need to be gone. Of course that would be Paula's choice, or her manager's.
At first I was enjoying the show, but now I am beginning to wonder where her shrink is, and why she is allowed to wear herself ragged.
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Jul 24, 2007 5:54 PM
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Well obviously Bravo thinks this show is a train wreck too because they have buried this week's show at, I'm not even sure, but I believe 2:30 a.m. Friday?
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Jul 26, 2007 5:31 AM
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