Masters of Horror

Well, this is it — the last post for Masters of Horror Season 2. I still haven't read or heard whether or not there will be a Season 3, but I sure do hope so. As soon as I find out, I'll definitely post it here. I thought that Season 2 wound up being pretty damn good, with four episodes now filling some slots in my top 10 favorites:

1. "Fair-haired Child" (Season 1)
2. "The Black Cat" (Season 2)
3. "Pelts" (Season 2)
4. "Cigarette Burns" (Season 1)
5. "Right to Die" (Season 2)
6. "The Screwfly Solution" (Season 2)
7. "Imprint" (Season 1, aka "The Banned Episode")
8. "Dance of the Dead" (Season 1)
9. "Deer Woman" (Season 1)
10. "Dreams in the Witch-House" (Season 1)

As you can see, the final episode of this season, "Dream Cruise," didn't make it into my top favorites, but I also didn't find it to be a particularly bad episode. The story was interesting enough, even though it conjured up similar specters from other J-horror films like Ju-on: The Grudge and The Ring (Ringu). Some of it even reminded me of Open Water, and of course the "attack arm" reminded me of Evil Dead 2. (By the way, if you haven't seen Open Water yet, it is extremely frightening and I highly recommend it.)

The one thing that J-horror does well is create some really freaky ghosts that tend to burn their images permanently into my psyche. This ghost could have competed against Regan from The Exorcist and won. [Shivers] What I found to be particularly surprising in this episode was the benevolent twist, which reminded me a bit of The Sixth Sense or A Stir of Echoes. Sometimes, cynical and malevolent endings in horror get exhausting; it was a breath of fresh air to see that the characters not only survived the horror of what happened, but transcended decades-old fears after the experience. The ending of this final episode made it feel like the entire season has ended on a good note, almost like a sigh of relief: We watched, we screamed, we gasped, we survived. (We want more!)

To conclude this season, I would love to see your list of Masters of Horror favorites (it doesn't have to be 10, it can be any number) in the comments. And finally, thank you all for stopping by to read this spooky l'il section of TVGuide.com. I do hope we'll be here next year for a Season 3!

I found this week's Masters of Horror episode, The Washingtonians, to be one of the more creative and clever stories of both seasons. The premise reminded me a little bit of Ravenous, a cannibal movie of the confederacy kind, which I highly recommend if you like gruesome, moody and blackly comedic horror with a twist of historical drama. (It has a superbly unsettling musical score, too.) Of course, The Washingtonians was more of a political satire than a serious attempt at "rewriting history," but Ravenous truly made me feel like the events of the story could have possibly happened during harsh winters at "ye old valley forts."

At one point during Washingtonians, HHH (horror-hound-hubby) and I decided that we knew the exact wording used in the casting call for the show: "the oldest, creepiest looking actors money can buy." Some of those cast members were pretty frightening before the white makeup, powdered wigs and blood-drenched feasting. I can definitely understand why "Amy" always felt creeped out when visiting her grandparents in that town. Afraid of her own shadow, my butt! Those people were seriously "off."

I loved the "covert ops" FBI/CIA "cleanup" ending, which would have been the perfect way to conclude The Washingtonians. It was also cute when the delivery guy noticed that the family had all ordered vegetarian takeout. Unfortunately, the final "currency" left me with a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth and almost ruined what I would have considered a near-perfect slice of comedic-horror Americana.

Once the previews started for next week, I found it hard to believe that we're down to the last Masters of Horror Season 2 episode. It shaped up to be a bloody good season, and I really hope that I'll be back in this worldwide spot next year, blogging about Masters of Horror Season 3.

"Meow meow meow meow meow meow." My black cat, "Sprite" wanted to get her 2 pounce in about this week's Masters of Horror episode, The Black Cat. I had to give her a six-word limit, or else she would have hijacked this post. She gives it 4 out of 4 claws, mostly because she thought that "Pluto" the cat was very handsome (even with just one eye).

Ahem.

How can I find the words to describe Stuart Gordon's adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe's The Black Cat, when all I can think is "wow?" I've always enjoyed Stuart Gordon's masterful cinematic interpretations of H.P. Lovecraft's work, and had hoped he would bring the same atmospheric, dramatic and gory details to his Edgar Allan Poe debut. Well, he did, and I would love to see Gordon take on even more Poe in the coming years. Come on, Stuart, we know you can't resist the pulse of The Tell-Tale Heart!

As Gordon explained in the Fangoria interview I posted Friday, The Black Cat does get into some difficult terrain with realistic scenes of graphic animal abuse. I was prepared for this, and it helped to read about it ahead of time (thank you, Fangoria). It was also interesting to know ahead of time that unlike the original Black Cat, Gordon decided to place Poe and his beloved betrothed "Sissy" into the story as the main characters. I found this to be effective, because it made me feel like I was getting to know the darkness behind Poe "in the flesh," in addition to what I already knew about his demons in a literary sense. What also made this effective was the superb casting, as Jeffrey Combs delivered the right touch to make Poe's madness both operatic and tragic. Supporting actress Elyse Levesque delivered a very natural performance as the beautiful, innocent and fragile Virginia "Sissy" Poe.

In essence, Stuart Gordon's Black Cat is a fantastic period piece, a mood-drenched, blood-soaked, maddening tale of horror, just as I believe Poe would have wanted to see. I found myself utterly fascinated by the Edgar Allan Poe in this story, and found this one-hour film to deliver the range and depth of a feature length adaptation of Poe's work.

We're down to the final Masters of Horror Season 2 episodes now, and worthy of the title of "Master," Stuart Gordon has raised the bar another notch. If the final episodes even remotely rise to this level, season two will shape up to be just about as good as season 1 or better, and I would personally welcome a season three.

Fangoria.com has posted a "Fearful Feature" on tonight's Masters of Horror episode, The Black Cat. It's a really good interview with "Master Director" Stuart Gordon and our beloved genre actor Jeffrey Combs, who I am certain will make a perfect Edgar Allan Poe in this episode. It's a good read; great to get primed for tonight! Enjoy.


[Click Here to Read the Feature]

After a bit of a lukewarm start, Masters of Horror has picked up significantly in this second half of season 2. I cannot wait for Stuart Gordon's interpretation of Poe's The Black Cat next week. I have pretty high expectations for it, and the preview looked amazing!

This week's episode, We All Scream For Ice Cream felt much like an episode of Tales From the Crypt. It was creatively creepy, but not really as intense or groundbreaking as some of the other Masters episodes. Director Tom Holland has a couple of my favorite classics on his resume, including Child's Play and Fright Night. It turns out, he also directed several episodes of [HBO's] Tales From the Crypt, so I guess there's a good reason why We All Scream... reminded me of Tales From the Crypt.

In all honesty, I'm a bit ambivalent about this episode. It wasn't bad, it wasn't great, it was entertaining in a "made for TV" kind of way... it even felt a bit like an '80s horror film for reasons that I cannot pinpoint. I liked it, but I don't have a ton to say about it either.

One thing I did find myself feeling was sympathy for "Ch-Ch-Ch-Cheery" after seeing the circumstances that drove him to getting into the frozen voodoo doll business in the afterlife. I also found it an interesting gore device to witness the victims melting into piles of pastel goo, much like melted ice cream.

I would call this episode "Children of the High Fructose Corn Syrup." Creepy children getting revenge on their parents through an even creepier clown and sweet treats molded into icy voodoo dolls. I did love the ominous ice cream truck prowling the streets in the dark mist; that reminded me of something out of a Stephen King story. Finally, I did enjoy the metaphor of the episode: revenge is sweet and a dish best served cold.

Rob Schmidt's Masters of Horror episode Right to Die is the first in 2007, and now my third-favorite Season 2 entry. Although it didn't have the serious socially aware intensity of my first two favorites, Pelts and Screwfly Solution, it provided a seriously twisted and darkly comedic examination of the right-to-life debate. Right to Die brings an effortless, deadpan sense of irony to this issue, which is what I'd hoped John Carpenter's Pro-Life would do, but did not. The story is surreal and satirical enough not to offend, yet offers a bit of a pinch through grandiose displays of human selfishness and greed. It was just enough to make me wince, and just enough to make me feel a bit self-deprecating over how silly and predictable our species can be when rubber meets the road (in this story, literally).

Now, Schmidt's name sounded familiar, but I have to admit that I couldn't remember what his prior work had been. I did extensive research prior to Season 2's premiere, drafting a huge blog entry about each and every episode and director, but I still couldn't remember who he was. As I am prone to do, I launched into that snooty, "May I please see your credentials, sir?" attitude whenever a horror director is given his "Masters," but then quickly rescinded. I had no idea who Eli Roth was when I saw Cabin Fever, and after only two high-profile movies (Cabin Fever, Hostel), he has become one of the horror crowd's most beloved directors. The same is true for Rob Zombie. But he at least had a reputation as a prolific horror artist and musician, so it was easy to embrace his filmmaking efforts right out of the gate — at least, it was for me. I think it's becoming more and more true that some of these "new-school" horror directors can and do get the job done, and quickly prove themselves.

So today, as I write this, I look up Rob Schmidt, and aha! He directed Wrong Turn. Ooooh, yeah! I actually liked Wrong Turn, and I had low expectations when I saw it. It did get some lukewarm, well, practically cold reviews, but out of all the "inbreeders love tasty vacationers" horror films, I thought that Wrong Turn was really bloody good. I had found the protagonists actually likable, mostly because they were so well-cast (Eliza Dushku, Jeremy Sisto and Desmond Harrington). I found the killers truly vile, and I found myself quickly absorbed and "white knuckling" it from start to finish. For me, Wrong Turn was a pleasant surprise. It ain't no Suspiria or Halloween, but it is good, fun horror.

Maybe having low expectations is the better way sometimes. My expectations were so high for John Carpenter's Pro-Life this year, I felt a bit let down when it was less than brilliant. When "fresh blood" gets added to the lineup, it's hard not to have low expectations; and when that's the case, the newer director has nowhere to go but up. Just a theory.

In all honesty, had Rob Schmidt been one of my "pedestal" horror directors at the helm of Right to Die, I wouldn't have been disappointed. It helps that I love Martin Donovan, a mainly indie, slightly under-the-radar actor who's great in every role (much like Medium's Jake Weber had once been before Dawn of the Dead propelled him into mainstream status). Corbin Bernsen is also great at chewing up the screen, so I enjoyed seeing him in this sleazy role: "What do I know about a soul? I'm a lawyer!"

What made Right to Die work so well is that it turned out to be a black horror comedy in a way; but it was so subtle, I truly realized once it ended just how funny it was. Of course, some outright laugh-out-loud moments started leaking out during the climax. My two favorites were the cooler and the cop speeding by Martin Donovan — "Get out of the road!" — while Martin's standing there with a severed body part in his hand. And Martin Donovan's masterful deadpan delivery truly brought them home.

In many ways, Right to Die felt a little bit like something Eli Roth would make. When the horror and the comedy so effortlessly and wickedly intersect, it feels like being blindsided — delightfully so — once the end-credits roll and that "what the hell did I just see?" laughter ensues.

So, in my cultish way that you fellow horrorphiles out there will understand, I give Right to Die four pancakes (Paaaaannnncaaakes!) out of five. I think that Rob Schmidt could quickly become a worthy and healthy competitor to Eli Roth, and I look forward to seeing more of his work.

After a two-week holiday hiatus, it felt like home to watch the first glorious blood splats, and that eerie piano in the Masters of Horror opening sequence. It isn't often that horror fiends get their "own" TV series, so I really feel like I'm going through withdrawals when MoH is over, or even on break for a couple of weeks. Now that Dexter has become a favorite series among the horror crowd, it looks like Showtime's really got the goods for my most beloved genre. I've gotta say, once Masters of Horror is over this year, it's going to be a hellish wait for Showtime's horror audience, or at least, for this horror fan. First of all, I haven't heard whether or not a third season is on the books for MoH, and it's probably going to take a good year for season two of Dexter. At least I'll have Battlestar Galatica, Heroes and Lost in the new year, but they can't take things nearly as far as Dex and "The Masters." Ah well. I'll just have to break out the Buffy DVDs for the 200th time (how is it that that show never gets old?) and go see Pan's Labyrinth in the theater about every week for a while.

I hate to do this today, but I'm going to have to write a "drive by post" for Valerie on the Stairs, because I have a New Year's Eve party to dash off to soon, and it's an out-of-town trip. So today, I'll post my initial thoughts, then "next year," I'll come back and elaborate a bit more.

And now I present to you, a Valerie on the Stairs blog, abridged:

1. Beautifully photographed, great dark mood throughout.

2. Clive Barker stories make me froth at the mouth (and I mean that in a good way).

3. I love "beauty and the beast" stories, and this one seemed to be pretty cool, although, I would have liked to know more about "their" relationship. I'm not sure if Barker covers that in the actual short story, or not. Judging from the movie Nightbreed, I'm inclined to think that yes, he probably does. (I just may need to get my hands on this short story to find out).

4. Christopher Lloyd is a scene stealer, which of course, we all already knew.

5. Tony Todd a great Candyman also made a kickazz demon, which of course, we all already knew.

6. The whole setting of the story and the way in which it was filmed reminded me very much of last year's Dreams in the Witch-House, except, Stuart Gordon did a far better job at adapting Lovecraft's demonic "there's a portal in the walls" story.

Overall, I enjoyed a lot of this episode, but also felt there was something missing, and I'm still trying to put my finger on what. If you all have any suggestions, I'd love to read 'em!

Have a very happy and safe New Year's, everyone! I will come back and write more about this episode.

I am so relieved. Last week, Dario Argento's Pelts provided a pivotal turning point in what I was starting to lament to be a disappointing Masters of Horror Season 2. After finding great satisfaction in maestro Argento's masterpiece, the big question for me was: Could the remaining masters keep this new momentum going, and would the second half of the season redeem the first? I had hoped so.

Well, Joe Dante's The Screwfly Solution is now my second favorite episode of this season, stepping up pretty closely in line next to Pelts. Furthermore, Pelts and Screwfly Solution have now taken their places in my Top 5 favorite episodes of both seasons combined, and Screwfly is definitely the best sci-fi/horror gene-splicing of the lot. Actually, The Screwfly Solution is a far more sophisticated and significant work than many of the feature-length science fiction films I've seen over the years.

Last season, Joe Dante had opted for politically challenging, sardonic horror with the zombie election-apocalypse, Homecoming. Along with Lucky McKee's sci-fi entry, Sick Girl and John Landis' Deer Woman, Homecoming remains one of the funniest MoH episodes to date. Since returning director John Landis kept a tongue firmly planted in cheek with this season's Family, I'd wondered if Dante would stick to humor, too.

Well, what did get a huge laugh out of me was a jab that only serious MoH fans would catch: A shot from the torture scene that got last season's Takashi Miike episode, Imprint, banned. Ha! Take that, censorship! The scene is shown on one of the televisions as Elliott Gould's and Jason Priestley's characters conduct aggression testing in the labs with various forms of... entertainment. Although it wasn't blatantly written as comedy, that moment was a great wink to the audience.

Besides a few intelligently written lines of character banter, The Screwfly Solution is serious as an apocalypse, and a very creative one, too. I've watched a lot of science fiction in my life, and I've never seen anything like this. From the type of chemical warfare that becomes a ball-busting (literally) menace to the globe, to the twist that reveals how it got unleashed, this story kept me on my toes and kept me guessing.

At first, the metaphors of the science behind the fiction seemed to address male and female stereotypes, as well as fundamentalism and puritanism. But as the story unfolds, it becomes so much more than that. If there is somebody "up there," perhaps the most effective way to conquer the world would be to use our own advances in science and chemical warfare against us while we weren't looking. Forget laser beams and fireballs — how about something as teeny-tiny as the genetics of a fly? Wow. Suddenly, I feel so small.

See, I knew that all we needed were some good stories. Finally, we're getting epic story arcs and thought-provoking messages in some really great horror and science fiction. If the rest of the season turns out to be as great as these past two episodes, we're in for a treat once MoH starts back up after the holidays. And once again, I'm optimistic and hopeful for a Masters of Horror Season 3.

My fellow horror fiends, I apologize for the late posting. Between my city’s first-ever-in-history blizzard last week and a trip to the ER (I’m fine now, no worries), I’ve been a bit behind. While recovering over the past weekend and attempting to stay warm, Dario Argento’s fur-fringed Masters of Horror episode, Pelts, seemed a fitting theme.

I haven’t held back from admitting that so far, I’ve been underwhelmed and disappointed with Masters of Horror this season. Knowing that Italy’s horror maestro Dario Argento was up next, I still had some hope for the rest of the season, yet I also cringed because I wasn’t too fond of his season 1 episode, Jenifer. One of the main reasons I didn’t like Jenifer was that Argento departed from his trademark style to try a grittier perspective, and I just didn’t feel that it worked. The Showtime website synopsis for Pelts did indicate that Argento would be returning to his legendary vividly colored, operatic style, so that was encouraging.

Well, Giallo gods be praised, Dario Argento managed to raise the bar and inject some actual potential into this season. Pelts contains all of the flourishes that made me fall in love with Argento’s work the first time I saw his masterpiece Suspiria. It’s mystical, perverse, artistically gory, gorgeously photographed and perfectly scored. I especially smiled upon seeing composer Claudio Simonetti’s name in the opening credits, since he and Argento are basically the Italian parallel of director Tim Burton and composer Danny Elfman; when they work together, it’s pure magic. In the music of Pelts, Simonetti accentuates his trademark Gothic-tinged atmospheres with Middle Eastern instruments and scales, perfectly stirring the primal pot of the story’s ancient occult lore.

Unlike most of this season’s episodes, Pelts finally provides a strong foundation for Argento’s mastery: an interesting story. The human characters, particularly Meat Loaf as the lecherous, slave-driving fur trader, and John Saxon as the booze-soaked hick trapper, are broad-stroked, dirty and disgusting, but also riveting to watch. At the heart of it all, the story’s magic transcends Pelts beyond cookie-cutter horror and into significant filmmaking. The lesser, yet evolved characters — the raccoons themselves and their silver-tipped, magical pelts — are hypnotically filmed, and the brutality of the humans’ (very creative) deaths has a thought-provoking purpose, not simply a way to serve up carnage points. Just like any significant work of horror, Pelts explores social themes, which, unlike earlier MoH episode Pro-Life, are actually subtle and provocative. When the episode ended, I said to HHH (horror-hound hubby), "Wow, talk about an effective 'anti-fur' campaign!" However, I didn’t feel preached to; I felt disgusted, moved and challenged. That's what horror will do when a true master of the genre has taken the wheel.

John Carpenter's entry, Cigarette Burns, was my second favorite Masters of Horror episode from season 1. (My all-time favorite MoH to date is William Malone's The Fair-Haired Child). Cigarette Burns had everything in it that makes a horror film (even a short one) great: A unique, darkly mystical story; gorgeous photography; a deep feeling of dread; extremely shocking, perfectly-placed gore; an atmospheric musical score; and Udo Kier. If you have not yet rented or purchased Cigarette Burns on DVD, I highly recommend it. The episode itself remains one of the best of the series, and the DVD contains some interesting extras, including commentary by the master himself, John Carpenter.

See, I had to begin this entry by praising J.C., because I hate feeling "meh" about any of my favorite directors' work, and I don't like blogging about disappointment. Considering the title alone, Pro-Life evokes a hot-button issue, and I expected to feel at least a bit stirred up, no matter which side of the fence the story may or may not have taken. I had hoped that the baby's being a demon spawn from hell would add in some delicious irony, and that Ron Perlman would be a fundamentalist whack-job villain I'd love to hate. Sadly — very sadly, I have to say — by episode's end, I may have been slightly entertained but was mostly bored. The only irony present was that Ron Perlman, the main religious zealot of this episode, once took on the role of an actual demon spawn in Hellboy.

The one good thing about Pro-Life was "father demon." The main creature was one of the best non-CGI creations I've ever seen. It looked like Tim Curry's Lord of Darkness from Legend shacked up with a Urukai from Lord of the Rings prior to the backyard barbecue. Pretty impressive. (Oh my god, I knew how to spell Urukai without looking it up.)

Once again, the detriment of this episode was the writing. Pro-Life focused more on the situation than on character development, and provided little to no irony, because the story was so... simple. Haven't these writers learned yet? Horrifying Situation + Shallow Characters = Boredom. Horrifying Situation + One Ounce of Decent Character Development = True Horror.

I do know that the alarming trend of this year's shallow writing and character development can't be blamed on the hourlong format. Masters of Horror season 1 proved that these directors can make an hour as deep and horrifying as a great feature-length film. From the interesting stories to the well-developed characters to the gore, these masters delivered the goods last year. Even the mediocre entries from season 1 provided some pretty deep stories and interesting characters. So what's the problem?

Bottom line: I know what John Carpenter is capable of, so I'd hoped that Pro-Life would be the pivotal change to start the real roller-coaster ride this season. Right now, I feel stuck on a kiddie ride, and I'm bored. Masters of Horror season 2 has been mildly entertaining at best, and disappointing at worst. Next week, I really hope that Dario Argento provides that pivotal roller-coaster episode, because I really, really, want a season 3, so that we can see more great horror masters take the wheel. As far as masterful demon-spawn pregnancy stories go, I'll watch Rosemary's Baby for the 200th time. Even though I know that movie inside and out, it could never bore me.

I had a feeling Brad Anderson's Masters of Horror entry, Sounds Like, would be grim. Anderson's critically acclaimed low-budget thriller, Session 9, remains one of the most grim and cerebrally horrifying movies I've ever seen. Whenever I recommend Session 9, I describe it as one of those movies that made me hear things at night. Only two other movies to date have had that effect on me: The Exorcist and The Blair Witch Project. The Exorcist stands out as way more "in the face" (in more ways than pea soup) of the three, but Blair Witch and Session 9 both delivered that subtle, "crawl in the brain and haunt me for days" effect, which is my favorite kind of horror.

I believe the most powerful link between these three films is the masterful use of sound, both subliminal and overt. It's no surprise that The Exorcist is known for using subliminal sound throughout the film, as well as huge contrasts between silence and audio assault to increase the feeling of terror and dread. For me, the most horrifying parts of The Blair Witch Project unfolded in the scenes when the video cameras showed very little, but stirred disturbing sounds around my head as I lived the nightmare with the filmmakers in the cursed woods. In Session 9, the use of demonically warbled voices on stretched tapes, as well as shocking contrasts between silence and stingers caused my skin to crawl... all night. Many times, what I hear in a horror film will scare me more than what I see; when the two senses come together perfectly, it's the kind of movie that keeps me up at night.

I actually had hoped that Anderson would opt for the same grim psychological subtlety as Session 9, but also wondered if he would do something gorier, since I'm certain that MoH's budget offered enough to cover that ground. It turns out, Anderson did opt for grim subtlety and very little gore, as well as masterful use of sound. Unfortunately, the story of Sounds Like added very little intrigue to this dark winning formula, and made the episode fall flat.

I've never worked in a call center, but HHH (horror-hound-hubby) once did, and he's told me stories of people who had really "lost it" during their tenure in that environment, including a man who started screaming about "fat donkey people" on the day of his meltdown. Apparently, shortly before that day, the man started barking at people; and I'm completely serious. Even though the story is told through a supernatural perspective, the magnified feeling of paranoia, sound sensitivity and impending meltdown felt pretty believable to me. I also identified with Larry throwing himself back into work without letting himself grieve after a horrible loss; many people do this to cope with loss, and it's often to the detriment of their psyche and well-being. So the themes that Anderson explored in his adaptation of Mike O'Driscoll's short story at least seemed identifiable in some ways.

The strength of this episode resounded in its namesake, and it was definitely a masterful use of sound. Anderson and the audio team deserve many accolades for effectively creating an unbelievable amount of tension and conflict more through the sound of inanimate objects than through the characters. And maybe that's why the story didn't live up to the episode's strengths. Maybe too much focus was placed on all of the grating sounds, and not enough on character development. Sure, some moments happened with The Missus, the boss, and even a pathetic attempt to befriend a young subordinate. However, these brief encounters weren't enough for me to care, let alone feel any sense of horror.

When it all comes down to it, Larry was not a likable character. Not in the slightest. Had Larry been one of the call-center employees, rather than the call center's "Big Brother" (and I don't mean that as in, "my big brother cares about me"), maybe I would have been more invested in his well-being and scared for him. As an unsympathetic, slightly creepy, nutjob of a quality-control manager paid handsomely to spy on everyone right out of the gate, I didn't like him. By the time his personal tragedy had been revealed, it was already too late. I just didn't feel for the guy.

Overall, Anderson did a great job directing the episode; there is no doubt that he's a "Master of Horror." Sounds Like is loaded with dread, thick tension, amazing audio terror and well-placed, subtle gore. The grim yet beautifully shot conclusion was well done, and at least I had the satisfaction of a decent ending. I just wished that I had more to feel for Larry than constant irritation from his supernatural hearing. Had I really cared for him, I may have also feared for him. Sometimes, seeing a creepy character becoming karma's victim just isn't enough.

Masters of Horror creator and writer Mick Garris said that The V Word wouldn't be a romantic depiction of vampires, and that's definitely true. However, these vampires are not the breed found in cynical, doom-and-gloom existential metaphors like The Addiction or Habit, which is what I was anticipating. Instead, Garris himself wrote a pretty straightforward "teens explore crypts, get bit, get undead, get hungry, get gone" type of story. Michael Ironside, the ugly, angry vampire, was about as entertaining as Jack Nicholson in The Witches of Eastwick; too bad we didn't see more of him. I don't know why he carried a parasol in the graveyard, but what I don't know probably won't hurt me.

Even though The V Word wasn't misted, shadowed and full of velvet and candelabras, Garris paid his respect to the romantic vampire by writing in some noticeable nods:

— Ironside's character, "Mr. Chaney" (pretty obvious), is a nod to Lon Chaney, who was first considered for the role of Dracula (1931). The character wound up in the more than capable (cape able?) hands of Bela Lugosi.

— Lugosi and Browning's Dracula received airtime on "Justin's" TV as he was first visited by his recently "turned" best friend.

— The extended, looming shadows of a sharp-nailed hand reaching out and chasing the boys ahead of the vampire resembled Francis Ford Coppola's leering shadow effects in his rendition of Bram Stoker's Dracula. (I don't know if this was Garris' doing or director Ernest K. Dickerson's doing, but it was effective.)

— Blood by needle reminded me of George A. Romero's Martin.

— Blood by glass-slashing reminded me of Near Dark's more gritty, realistic style of... uh... acquisition. (Definitely not romantic.)

— "I don't drink wine." (I slightly rolled my eyes over that one. Come on, it's so obvious!)

— The vampire-with-a-conscience character development reminded me of The Lost Boys' tormented character, "Michael," only The V Word didn't follow the standard "kill the head vampire, save the others" rule.

— I couldn't tell if the garlic on the pizza was really affecting "Justin," or if it was just another nod to classic lore.

— Horror cross over actress gets a mention: Silent Hill's Jodelle Ferland plays the role of "Justin's" little sister, "Lisa."

— A surprise zombie reference gets an honorable mention: "They're coming to get you, Barbara!"

Overall, The V Word was neither spectacular nor awful. I'd call it a popcorn episode meant more for entertainment than visceral, disturbing horror. The V Word will not be listed among my top MoH favorites, but it also won't be on my "worst list." It was simply a linear, suspenseful, haunted-house ride that didn't rise up (pun intended) to my high standards for the on-sreen depiction of my favorite monster, the vampire.

The quiet, suburban Wisconsin neighborhood of John Landis' Masters of Horror entry, Family, looks much like Desperate Housewives' notoriously perfect Wisteria Lane. Sure, Wisteria Lane continues to experience its own share of scandal, mayhem and murder. But if George Wendt's character Harold compared notes with Wisteria Lane's latest diabolical resident Orson Hodge [Kyle MacLachlan], I believe that even Orson would get a chill down his spine. Or... maybe he'd just wish that "he'd thought of that." Yes, I think that Orson would find a mentor in Harold. He certainly would respect Harold's excellence in homemaking, gardening and cleanliness as well as his devotion to family values — especially the value of hiding the evidence. (Bree Hodge really needs to watch this episode!)

If I were to recommend a Masters of Horror episode to entry-level horror fiends or to my squeamish friends, it would be Family. Yes, there's a bit of gore, but nothing (I mean, nothing) compared to last week's entry. As I suspected, John Landis focused more on the sense of irony, black humor and mystery. He also spent considerable time revealing the inner workings that motivate the outer doings of Harold. At one point, I found myself feeling sorry for the guy — until the twist ending. I didn't see that one coming, but HHH (horror-hound-husband) did. He always does.

As I've lurked around in various horror communities after last Friday's MoH premiere, the consensus on The Damned Thing was about 50/50 love/hate. The one thing everybody loved from last week was "hammer time," and the one thing that many hated was the ending. If they didn't hate the ending, they at least felt greatly dissatisfied with the abruptness of it. Well, we didn't get any huge gore surprises in Family, but I do believe that this ending will make up for any dissatisfaction with last week's. At first I'd started to feel that all of Harold's music selections were irony overkill, until the twist.... As I watched Harold become karma's bitch, it was the first time ever (and last time) that old-time gospel music put a wicked smile on my face.

Tobe Hooper, you did it. You started off Masters of Horror: Season 2 with a bang, and set this year's standard: This series still is not for lightweights. I'm actually a bit in shock as I sit here writing this; speechless [er... blogless?] over what I just saw and felt. To say that The Damned Thing was gore-tastic is an understatement. It made some of last year's goriest episodes seem like they were PG-13. (Hellz yeah!)

Following in the footsteps of Hooper's Season 1 entry, Dance of the Dead, The Damned Thing's script is also written by R.C. Matheson. To my pleasant surprise, much like Dance of the Dead, Damned has got that unique, intelligent, poetic meter to it that actually makes Southern draaawls sound artistically stylized. However, Damned definitely parts ways with Dance's romantic, doomed poetry, and opts for a cynically introspective, downright tormenting script. After doing some digging, it's fascinating to learn that Matheson adapted The Damned Thing from a short story by Ambrose Bierce, a 19th-century writer considered by many to be among the ranks of horror pioneers such as H.P. Lovecraft and Edgar Allan Poe. Curiously enough, Bierce has his own doomed history; he literally disappeared off the face of the earth in 1913, which naturally steeps his stories in real-life, historical darkness.

The Damned Thing reminds me very much of Hooper's classic and acclaimed The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, not just because it's set in Texas, but because of the gritty, dank, sickly earth tones and constant cloud of dread stalking every scene. As sick in the head as I have become, I couldn't help but chuckle as the family ate ribs for dinner in the opening scene: Hmm... what exactly is in the sauce? Was that a hard-shelled peppercorn?

It didn't take long at all for the first gore-ridden scenes to set me in constant cringe mode, wondering who would next pick up an inanimate object and use it creatively to express supernatural rage. Let's just say, "It's hammer time" has now taken on a whole new meaning tonight. But I think I may prefer that imagery to loud '80s flight pants.... I dunno, get back to me on that one. Another classic horror film that entered my mind throughout The Damned Thing was fellow Master John Carpenter's The Fog. The atmospheric malevolence, the premise of the fathers' sins destroying the children, and the motivation of greed literally damning a seemingly unassuming town seemed to me like notable parallels between the two stories.

Sean Patrick Flanery's performance as leading man and town sheriff, "Kevin Reddle," was on the same subtle, pensive, intense level as somebody like leading actor Kiefer Sutherland. Flanery's cast mate Marisa Coughlan reminded me a bit of cult star Sheryl Lee [Twin Peaks], which made her estranged character familiar and likable. My new official name for Ted Raimi is "Father Ted Scene-Stealer Raimi." 'Nuff said about the mighty Ted.

Finally, I did learn a couple of life lessons from The Damned Thing that I will take with me. 1) Should I ever decide to remain a resident in a house in which a brutal murder took place, I will definitely get rid of that creepy Felix the Cat clock (it's supposed to be retro chic, not retro creep), and 2) Whenever a Damned Thing is about to hit, the last place I'll wanna be is in a trailer park. Thanks, Tobe, for delivering a killer premiere episode!

Tobe Hooper's got some serious shoes to fill with tonight's Masters of Horror premiere, The Damned Thing. Season 1's premiere is still very vivid to me, even though it's been a year since I've seen it; that's pretty impressive. Incident On and Off a Mountain Road literally hit the ground running last season, providing relentless tension, lots of gore, and one of the best twist endings of all season 1 entries. Within one hour, this inaugural episode set the standard: This series is not for lightweights.

Entertainment Weekly's preview of The Damned Thing graded Mr. Hooper's work with an uncomfortable [red] "D." However, the same review called the Masters of Horror show open "cliché," which I take issue with [*cough* Emmy© winner *cough*], so I'm just going to say that "D" is for Damned Thing.

Tobe Hooper's season 1 episode, Dance of the Dead, received mixed reviews in the horror community, but it remains one of my favorites, so I'm hopeful about tonight. As HHH [horror-hound husband] and I talked about Dance of the Dead last night, I realized why I like it so much. I know this sounds crazy, but Dance of the Dead reminds me of Baz Luhrmann's Romeo + Juliet... with zombies... in a post-apocalyptic setting... and depraved nightclubs... and Robert Englund [our beloved "Freddy Krueger"]. Well, okay not really "zombies," LUPs [Living Undead Phenomena], but I'm not going to get technical here.

Much like Luhrmann's Romeo + Juliet, Dance of the Dead has that delicious, somewhat doomed love story played by two very attractive leads with screen-leaping chemistry [Jessica Lowndes as "Peggy" and Jonathan Tucker as "Jak"]. Add to that, the creative, experimental fast edits, super-imposed shots, vivid colors, and Billy Corgan's rock-n-roll score, and I think my comparison is rightfully merited.

The most refreshing Romeo + Juliet / Dance of the Dead connection for me is the dialogue's rhythm and meter. Much like Shakespearean characters, these people don't talk so much like "real" people, but more like poets that communicate in "that" world's language, not mine. I'm a huge fan of poetry and escapism, so I find myself able to understand the subtext and enjoy the reality disconnect. Now, it isn't full of "thee's," "thou's" and centuries-old linguistics; the writing is simply romantic, yet cynical, and approachable, yet otherworldly.

Peggy: "What are you doing here?"
Jak: "Short circuiting tragedy. The world's got big teeth, eats girls like you for kicks."

Tobe Hooper did not disappoint me last year, so I'm looking forward to The Damned Thing. My mind is open, and I'm up for whatever he's crafted for tonight's premiere.