America's Next Top Model

Why does the ANTM finale always seem so anticlimactic? I've got a few theories. 1) While all the other episodes constantly strive to have new concepts for the photo shoots and challenges, the last episode strictly adheres to a formula. Covergirl commercial and beauty shot. Third girl eliminated. Magazine shoot. Crazy fashion show. 2) With only three girls around, the drama just simmers down. And by the time it's down to two, they make peace with each other. Zzzzz. 3) We know these girls too well. No surprise revelations, no hidden talents, and their photos and ads are exactly what we expect from them. 4) The fashion shows have gotten so stagey, they seem to have no relationship to the actual fashion world. It looks like about 15 people could see the show in Parc Guell, and they were probably all ANTM employees. In the first seasons, it felt more like the finalists had the honor of being in a real show (I have no idea if this was the case), and more was at stake than Tyra's good opinion. 5) We have yet to see one of the winners actually become a supermodel.

Personally, I'd be happy never to see a Covergirl commercial again in my life, real or staged (well, unless Jade was in them, that'd be fun). They make even Queen Latifah seem stiff and inarticulate, which is an absolute crime. They are a great way to watch the finalists fall apart, though. Caridee was tripping all over her words at the start; but finally, she spoke in tongues for a few minutes and relaxed. I want to rip Jay's tongue out every time he starts on Cari being a "loose cannon." Unless there's a lot that's been edited out, his idea of Cari being crazy is when she laughs, rolls her eyes and fails to worship him. I just think she needs to work on that tendency to bug out her eyes for emphasis. Eugena was predictably stiff for a while, and then she, too, had a little more fun with it. She's definitely got a nice smile, but I find her entirely unconvincing. No one was going to convince Melrose to have fun, that's for sure. She worked herself into quite a lather. Every time Jay told her to relax, her tension doubled — and tense is not a good look for her angular face. And it wasn't a good technique for selling lip gloss in that photo, either. Caridee and Eugena were surprisingly relaxed, probably because they knew Melrose was screwing up. No matter how well all three photograph, I always find the amount of airbrushing they do to these photos ridiculous. The whites of Eugena's eyes were creepy, and Melrose and Caridee looked like they were made of plastic. Sorry, people, that doesn't sell me makeup; it sells me Photoshop CS2. Also, what's a "feesta"?

I'm glad the judges finally decided to stop pretending that Eugena's potential could trump Caridee's and Melrose's actuality. She came a long way, but not far enough. Caridee's reaction to Eugena's ouster cracked me up with its melodrama: "It's OK, baby. I'll win this for you!" Damn, that relationship accelerated quickly!

So, they sped through the Seventeen photo shoot — in which no one even mentioned that Beau Quillian was a judge in Season 1 — and apparently the girls had to use the same yellow lollipop (at least, I think that's why they showed Melrose washing it). Even weirder was the inconclusive moment with life coach Dr. Michelle. Tyra just needed more crying footage, I guess.

I have a love/hate relationship with Barcelona (was robbed blind there, and I've got Madrid loyalties), but I loooove the Parc Guell. It's like a Dr. Seuss book come to life. I wish they'd shown more of it. But I really didn't understand the setup of the runway in relation to the audience. It seems like the models were obscured by the columns for most of their walk. Anyway, I kind of want to get married again, just to wear one of those amazing Victorio and Lucchino gowns. Just as long as Miss J doesn't get up and crash the aisle. Danielle (aka "Dani," with big air quotes by Jay) looked amazing, and for some reason Tyra felt like it was OK to coach her about putting her hands on her hips in the middle of the show. Weird. The whole "crazy ghost bride" thing seemed designed to bait Caridee into becoming a loose cannon. I bet if she'd toned it down, they would have lit into her for that, too. If you ask me, Melrose was predictable and overly perfect, while Caridee did exactly what she was told and made it entertaining. Kudos to whomever pointed out that if being over-the-top were a problem in the fashion industry, none of the people at that judges table would be employed, and there'd be a lot of other supermodels out of work.

For all their inexplicable prejudices against Caridee, I think the judges understood that Melrose just couldn't win the title. Her photographs were impeccable, but she seems too old and harsh for the Covergirl/CW demo. Whereas Caridee's "My Life as a Covergirl" spots might actually be watchable. Justice at last! Congrats to Caridee: The first blonde, the second North Dakotan and the fourth Midwesterner to become America's Next Top Model. Now don't stop being goofy just 'cause you got that fancy contract. And don't let Elite add air quotes to your name, either.

Yeah, I know Caridee said that about Melrose and her multiple fake personalities, but I think it might actually apply to Tyra. Unless the problem with the psycho diva tonight was that she was too medicated, or self-medicated with sangria. That would explain the insane clown makeup, the random stumbling over words, the stumbling bad dancing and the nonsensical pronouncements about Caridee.

Speaking of bad dancing, after taking a year of flamenco in college, I feel the need to tell you at least one thing about the routine the girls learned: It wasn't actually flamenco, but a Sevillana, and it's really fun to dance. Makes me itch to go get my castanets out. Anyway, Eugena impressed me for the first time. Amanda and Caridee made me cringe (their arms made them look like creaky marionettes!). Melrose just made me laugh. "Dancing is my soul, my passion!" Since when, exactly? I thought her passion was fashion! And though she claimed she was crying because she was mad at herself, it seemed to me that she was mad at the Sevillana for being too hard. I'm starting to agree with Caridee: "If Melrose becomes America's Next Top Model, I'll just puke."

The water-nymph photo shoot was a new level of sadistic. Did you catch the glint in Jay's eyes when he looked at the freezing Eugena and Melrose and stage-whispered, "Don't those two girls hate each other?" Tyra seemed to be providing very little help (I'm pretty sure the girls kept sinking because they were arching their backs like Tyra told them to), but her Spanish wasn't half bad. Caridee was a rock star. You could tell she was in some real physical distress, and I think the paramedics had to force her not to go back in the water. But her face in that photo was completely serene. So the judges, who for some unknown reason clearly don't want Caridee to win, came up with the most confusing criticism of her behavior: From the photo, you can't tell that she was suffering, but he should have told them sooner when she was uncomfortable. Then again, she should have been tougher because that kind of weakness would cost the client money, but why didn't she ask for a break, and she might be too fragile for the industry. Huh? They make 60 million excuses for Eugena's dead eyes, but they'll do somersaults to find a fault with Caridee. I take that back about Tyra being drunk — you can't do acrobatic justification like that under the influence. Oh, well. At least they chose to bid farewell to Amanda and her freakishly contorted limbs. If she takes a few classes in something physical (dance, yoga, aerobics, whatever), I think she'll overcome some of that awkwardness and do really well in the industry. Meanwhile, I'm getting worked up for next week's finale!

What is with these girls and their need to sabotage themselves? I almost want to sit them down and give them my own Tyra talk. It's really quite sad to me that Melrose is the only one who feels it's OK to be ambitious, work toward her goals and hold her head high through the process, and she comes across as a total bitch. Eugena comes in a close second in the unabashed drive department, but she doesn't follow through as well.

We were totally cheated of the go-sees this time. I usually love this segment; it's a real peek into the way models actually have to work, and we get to hear the designers' takes on whether they'd actually hire these girls. Also, I like when they get lost and/or stuck in traffic in foreign countries. But this was an abbreviated version of all of that. Very few quotes from the designers — Michelle's walk sucks, Eugena's stiff, Caridee wears too much makeup — and mostly just frustrating scenes of Michelle and Amanda standing on street corners while Melrose tells everyone about her design training. Oh, well, I guess we should spend more time watching Nigel being chased by bulls.

First, a little cultural info on Spain: Anyone who's actually from Barcelona would be completely insulted by much of the past two episodes. They're a separate culture from Southern Spain and very proud of being quite different from the flamenco-dancing, black-lace-wearing, bullfighting Spanish stereotypes. It would be like a foreigner coming to New York and expecting everyone to be dressed as cowboys. Still, I loved Caridee's analogy: "Barcelona without a bull ring would be like New York without... cheesecake." (Last night the line outside of Junior's in Brooklyn, where everyone was picking up a cake to bring to Thanksgiving dinner, went around the block!) But, oh, Caridee. We should have known that smart mouth of yours would get you in trouble. The judges have never been known for their self-deprecating humor. And while we all know Nigel often has a much larger stick up his bum, we also know that politics are very important in this game. What's sadder than Caridee sticking a stiletto-heeled foot in her mouth, though, is the fact that it really messed up her head for the photo shoot. Not that the others weren't distracted. That ambulance parked behind them while Jay gave his instructions would have scared me quite a bit. Also, why exactly was the bull necessary, when it was a completely different bull shot Photoshopped into their photos? It was all about the fear, I suppose. My assessment of the final products: loved Michelle's body language, Melrose's face looked to masculine, Amanda was awkward, Caridee's body was all wrong, Eugena's face was obviously retouched and unnatural. Not Nigel's best work.

Tonight's foreshadowing came courtesy of my husband, who always pretends I'm making him watch the show. (In fact, he's the one who remembered to call his parents to set the DVR for it when our flight was delayed for three hours.) Right as the episode began, he turned to me and asked, "What are they going to do about the twins?" Actually, I hadn't expected it to come down to that so soon, even though Michelle's kind of been begging for it for days with all of her "I don't know if this is what I want" speeches. I couldn't tell if she was saying it like a girl who's been taught to act meek and not show all her cards, or if she really meant it. Or was Tyra's theory correct, and she just didn't want to steal her sister's dream? Either way, Amanda and Michelle both gave such weak responses, not wanting to talk about themselves as the ones who should win the competition, that I just wanted to slap them around and enroll them in some women's studies classes. And though Michelle's poses have been consistently better, I'm glad the judges decided to grant her obvious wish to leave before her sister. Now my wish is that Caridee pulls herself together finally to kick some butt in the remaining weeks.

It feels like we watched two episodes here. In part 1, we saw the ANTM acting standard: Crazy Tyra stand-in Tasha Smith, the woman supposedly responsible for Tyra's "acting skills," tried her darnedest to get the girls to reveal their innermost secrets and cry on stage in an exercise hilariously called "Dump." I actually missed Anchal for a moment there, 'cause she could have single-handedly flooded the stage. But after some stiff yelling from the twins, empty-headed whining from Jaeda and insincere rants from Eugena and Melrose, CariDee got up there and told everyone she'd once been suicidal. OK, her tears were a little exaggerated, too, at first, but as she continued, the other girls (and, heck, even I) were close to sobbing along with her. Tyra was kicking herself for not being there in person. As much as I did not want to see Michelle throw up prune juice, the silent-movie challenge was pretty cute. The "Dump" had worked them up into the perfect state of melodramatic frenzy to be in a silent film. And it was a really smart way to showcase the girls' ability to emote when they didn't have to worry about memorization and cue-card-reading skills.

Fast-forward past Tyra's ridiculous Spanish costume, CariDee's One Tree Hill cameo and the funniest graphic of their airplane, and we've arrived in Part 2, Barcelona — the city with the highest number of beautiful people per capita I've ever seen in my life, and, unfortunately, its residents all know it. I lived in Spain for a bit, and the sad fact is that the snooty, racist attitude of Jaeda's male model, Nacho, is not that rare out there. For once, I don't blame her for being completely unnerved.

The Secret commercial struck me as even harder than the Japanese ad the models did in Cycle 3; at least in that one, they got to stand still while reading the cue cards. Here they had to walk, talk, turn away and then make out with a hot model. And Catalan? Not an easy language. Though it's not, as CariDee called it, "a little bit of Spanish mixed with a bunch of dialects from around the world." It's more like Latin than anything else, only with less flow. Even little miss "I stayed up two extra hours" Melrose sounded like a malfunctioning robot. No wonder those kisses had such an air of desperate relief! Still, after all these weeks, I can't believe Eugena is the only one who figured out that it was far more important to fake it and add some extra hair tosses than to get the words right. But our sweet, talented CariDee simply lost it. She forgot everything but the language barrier, and kept rolling her eyes in an attempt to remember the words instead of read them. Jay called her version of Catalan "Swedish-slash-Cantonese." I expected Jaeda to fall apart, not Cari. Side note: When, during that whole process, did they shoot the English-language version that aired at the beginning of the commercial break?

The judges had me mighty nervous, too. This wouldn't be the first time this cycle that they punish the front-runner for having a bad day (AJ flashback). And with all the excuses they were making for Jaeda, and all the comments about her bone structure, I was convinced they'd make that mistake again. Thank goodness someone must have loosened Tyra's corset during deliberations. I'm pretty sure Jaeda will do well as a model somewhere, but if I had to listen to her do those "My Life as a Cover Girl" spots next year, my brain cells might die of desperate boredom.

I've got a theory about why grown women love Top Model — I mean one that's more sophisticated than "good fighting." It's this: Remember all the insecurities you had in your early teens — about your looks, your body, whether your friends all hated you, whether it was OK to be good at something if it made others jealous, whether it was social suicide to actually be enthusiastic about anything, whether anyone else was going through the same conflicts as you? These girls aren't that young, but the competition makes them regress. And we get the pleasure of looking on and saying, "Oh, other girls went through this, too. Thank god that's all over." As much as someone like Anchal or Melrose gets on your nerves, admit it — you were a little like both of them once, before you had a driver's license.

Like many a model wannabe before her, Anchal has been showing serious signs of competition fatigue syndrome. But lately, it's manifesting itself in the most annoying self-pitying, needy way. So by the time Eugena said Anchal was looking like a "big old blob," I was ready to agree.

For the second week in a row, they had a legitimate expert teaching a real skill that showed us a different angle of the business. Glamazon volleyball star Gabrielle Reese may not look like a typical catwalker, but the girl can sell sportswear. And it was so nice to see Jaeda, a former volleyball player, start to believe in herself a little.

Do you think James St. James is really a NASCAR enthusiast? Club kids taking over the speedway, Dems taking over Capitol Hill — it's an exciting new world out there! As awkward as this tie-in was, the girls impressed me with their jump shots (heh). But oh, the unfairness of it all! Michelle won the challenge, but cruel fate (Tyra) created a second challenge within the prize (against the friends she'd chosen to share with) to grab all the clothing they could in 30 seconds. And one can't underestimate the cunning and greed of the Melrose. I don't blame her for winning, but if she didn't give some of the prize to Michelle, she's reached a new low. It is beyond pitiful that no one had ever chosen Anchal as a prize buddy. No one wanted to hear her whining any more than necessary, I suppose.

Priceless moment of the week: The mix of fear and fake enthusiasm on the girls' faces when they thought they'd be skydiving. Relax, ladies, I don't think the CW has that kind of insurance money. That wind tunnel looks more fun to me. Though someone should have told Jay that cheeks flapping in the G-forces isn't exactly attractive. (Everyone's faces were extra-Photoshopped in the end, probably to minimize the Jello-face effect). It looked pretty challenging for the slight things like Amanda and Michelle to keep from floating away, and even Melrose had her confidence shaken. Caridee, on the other hand, was having too much fun. I think she knocked the instructor guy down a few times.

OK, I'll say it. I have a girl-crush on Caridee. Like I want her to be my best friend. Thank god the judges enjoyed her "hiding dizzily" performance as much as I did. Let's put to rest these "she wants it too much" criticisms now, Tyra. The girl can be Lucille Ball-funny and take good pictures. Melrose has modeling skills but not enough charisma for the Cover Girl image. I don't believe for a second that Mel wasn't trying to steal the other blonde's goofy style with that "box" voguing. Hand Cari the contract now. Maybe girls like Michelle aren't putting up a fight anymore, because they realize that she's got it. Then again, watch her get kicked out next week as punishment for my hubris.

I'm so glad that after seven cycles, one thing has remained true: You can always count on Top Model for a good recap episode — one that actually "recaps" stuff we've never seen before. And while little can top last cycle's Jade dictionary, I think this episode did the job. Besides raising my Caridee fandom to new highs (she auditioned with a song, how cute! She farted really loudly during Jaeda's silly Tyra imitation, even cuter!), we got to see a few new examples of Monique's psychotic tendencies and Melrose's annoying ones.

First, there were treats and events that didn't make the original cut, and I'm not sure why. I loved Charlie and Sutan's Fashion Trash session, in which they tossed Monique's hideous $200 glitter boots (I know she's not bright, but she got royally duped when she bought those things), Caridee's mom's sweater and some other ugly things. Then they gave the girls a five-minute shopping spree at some random boutique (whose owners should really get their money back on that publicity they were promised, 'cause I saw neither the name of the store nor its contents). I started to hate all models a little when I realized they're the only human beings on the planet who could go on a five-minute shopping spree and not worry about trying things on. The other adventure that was cut because it wasn't nearly as fun as it could have been: the girls' blindfolded "free-dancing."

Ah, Monique. I don't even miss the drama that she inspired in the house. She was not smart enough to be funny-mean, not crazy enough to be scary-mean. Aside from the panty-smearing, her best mean-girl stunt was throwing out everyone's potato chips. I mean, couldn't she write in someone's brownies or throw out the Red Bull? Then she tried to get the better of Melrose by parroting her every word. Please. You think Melrose's own words aren't music to her ears? Sorry, I actually kind of like Miss "I Don't Need the 'Issa," but I can also see how I'd want to throttle her if she were my roommate.

Other conclusions: 1) As cheesy as Rock 'n Roll Megg was most of the time, her "I just want to play some bongos" mission was a sweet effort to lessen her own tension and diffuse the house drama a bit, 2) Didn't a bird get loose on a previous clip show? I seem to remember Nicole or someone talking about birds being blind. Maybe this is a favorite practical joke of the producers, and 3) With a little distance and a few extra quotes, it's more obvious that A.J. didn't really want to be there. And her "Latino or Mexican or whatever" comment as she was dressed up as Marc Anthony had me seething. Save those comments for Jaime Pressly.

What a wealth of guest stars we've got tonight! It's too bad Dita Von Teese only got to teach the girls how to be sexy with props. I think she should have been at least a guest judge or something. Maybe she could have done some sort of challenge with Fabio. Then again, we don't want to piss off Marilyn Manson.

Getting ahead of myself here. Raise your hand if you were expecting Jay to come out and pronounce the brand name of those freaky contacts 3,000 times. Nah, I think we have Halloween to thank for this departure from the "Crying" series of photographs (and actually, last season's were quite good); so this time it's "Sexy Angry." CariDee rocked it, of course. Anchal and Jaeda were all, "I don't like being ugly! It hurts!" Brooke had a blast with the act. This season, the editors are making the eliminations so predictable. More camera time equals your elimination episode. I didn't want to believe that she was jinxing herself with all the talk about missing her graduation and how much it would suck to go home now that she'd made this sacrifice.

Clearly, the girls did not spend enough time with Dita, because no one did any differently in the horribly awkward challenge of dancing on the table of a fake dinner party for the head of Elite Models. They either acted like little girls playing dress-up with Mommy's boa or like grown women who secretly wished they could work at Scores. Oh well, they just have no future in burlesque dinner shows.

Perhaps they'll make a living in paperbacks. First, I love that they got Fabio to do this. The guy must have retired from book covers a long time ago, but who's gonna pass up the chance to breathe heavily in the ears of eight pretty young things? But once the actual photo shoot started, I was just plain grossed out. I know he's paid to look passionately into the eyes of the models, but did he have to do all that panting and twitching with his face? No wonder Michelle and Brooke looked wrong with him, he could be their father! Of course, Melrose and CariDee both do excellently. Jay called Cari's shoot "beyond orgasmic." Ick. Anchal may whine a lot, but she doesn't need to move a single facial muscle to take a good shot. Loved that makeup on her. Jaeda and Eugena were dead fish again. They're both so vacant in front of and away from the camera. Jaeda still thinks her problem is that her personality was located in the hair that was cut off. She's a smart one, ain't she? The funny thing is, when she had hair it was never that pretty.

Miss J. wore a Flock of Seagulls hairdo to the judging. And then he flat out told Eugena that she's evil. Cute, but Tyra seems to be merely humoring him these days. She decided to judge everyone on their psychology and perceived eagerness, rather than their performances. And this week, to keep us on our toes, being too eager is what puts you in the danger zone. So CariDee was called desperate, Melrose was criticized for smiling during the angry shoot, and Brooke got the boot for being too cute. Because cuteness is definitely not what CoverGirl and Seventeen are looking for. Meanwhile, Jaeda was saved by fake contacts and Eugena's ass was saved by Tyra's need to beat some manners into her. Get your camera ready, Ms. Banks, I don't even need the contacts to show I'm mad!

They got me again. Every time Tyra and Co. make a colossally bad lapse in judgment, it takes me by surprise, and you'd think it wouldn't by now. Of course they're going to punish the girl who is the most interesting, has the best walk and has taken some of the best photos so far, just because she slacked in one photo shoot. Meanwhile, the girl who's sucked all season long gets to stay because she supposedly wants it more? They've done this all before.

But let's rewind to a happier time. A time when ubercool twin Michelle decided to sorta kinda maybe come out as a possibly questioning not necessarily heterosexual. Then, as an afterthought, she turned to her sister and nonchalantly asks, "I told you before, right?" If she had told Amanda before, she clearly didn't have enough time to process that information and was understandably pissed off to have to do so on television. She told Tyra outright that she did not want to deal with it in front of the cameras. I have to give props to their mom, though, for being so sweet when she got the news. Judging by her reaction, it wasn't such a big shock. Judging by the fact that Michelle was assigned to be Ellen and Portia in the photo shoot, the producers had probably guessed it, too.

On to my favorite element of ANTM, in which it is proven that models really can be as dumb as their stereotype. I never would have guessed that the hardest thing about interviewing Janice Dickinson on the red carpet would be figuring out where to point the microphone. I really wonder what it was Caridee was trying to say when she asked, "What makes you overpungent?" And Jaeda acted as if her mind going blank was an unusual occurrence. Meanwhile, Melrose rocked the challenge, and even did an incredible job with her prize, interviewing all of the CW's hot toy-boys. Frankly, she was better than a lot of real TV journalists I've seen in action.

Speaking of Melrose, she won my heart, or at least my support for the night, for not submitting in Tyra's "I'm gonna make you cry now!" session. Nice to know that Tyra cried for two hours the day before. What did Naomi do this time, Ty?

The photo shoot was more like an ad for the hair and makeup artists than a test of the girls' skills. That said, I loved Melrose's Trump/Melania and Caridee's Brangelina. I'm absolutely sick of Anchal. She's being rewarded for her low self-esteem week after week, and she's shallow to boot. At least some production assistant must have had a fun errand that day, though, having to make a donut run for Miss J.'s little Oprah joke. Not that that's any consolation for sucky Jaeda beating out my A.J., who left on a sour note, saying she probably didn't want to be there anyway. So sad!

These girls are finally growing on me a bit, now that a certain (panty-flailing) obstruction has been removed. Not that they all have winning personalities all of a sudden, but they're actually shaping out to be real people.

First, Anchal, don't go complaining about your stomach and then frying five eggs for yourself. How does one even eat five eggs at once? And don't whine to a room full of girls, "Why aren't I skinny?" and then get offended when someone actually tries to answer the question. Mean old (ancient!) Melrose certainly isn't going to take the bait when you fish for compliments. While I'm sorry Anchal had to overhear Melrose talk about her, I'm not gonna disagree with a word she said. But how could the girls not be at all worried that someone would overhear them as they did their smack-talking in the central courtyard of the house? A.J. won me over with her comforting pep talk; she's got a clear head and a warm heart, rare things on this show.

As much as I want her to shut the hell up, I'm going to go out on a limb and say Melrose isn't really a terrible person. She's completely oblivious of the fact that her air of confidence looks a lot like arrogance. What she is aware of is the fact that speaking up and making herself known to the judges is a huge asset in this competition. So naturally, she's going to talk to Twiggy as much as possible (love that they played Masterpiece Theatre music for her entrance). And while the other girls clammed up during Tyra's little talk-show-host heart-to-heart about "fear," Mel leaped at that opportunity, too.

You know what was great about tonight's episode? No Jay until half an hour into the show. And Seventeen editor Atoosa Rubenstein (Barnard College alumna in the house! Woohoo!) was so much more helpful when it came to inspiring some expression in the girls' circus sideshow shoots. (Atoosa did get pretty darn annoying during the judging, however, when she tried to work Seventeen into every sentence.) Overall, the girls did pretty well under tough circumstances. CariDee and A.J. are stepping up their poses. So ironic that Melrose got the old-lady face. I'd be pissed if I were one of the twins — they're hardly getting the chance to compete as individuals. Even Eugena wasn't dead behind the eyes. Jaeda's sinking self-confidence is so frustrating. Get over the hair already and learn how to work your face! So glad Megg's time was up first. Nice girl, but I don't think I could take another round of lame "rock and roll!" exclamations.

I'm doing my best to remain positive about this show, which really used to be my favorite, because it's sliding in my internal ratings these days. Maybe that's because I'm not really rooting for anyone yet. Usually, I love whoever narrates the house's goings on the best: Elyse, Norelle, Lisa, Brittany. Tonight, I might be leaning toward CariDee, especially if she's the one who set up the mattress slide on the stairs. That looked like fun. She also Tara Reid-ed the whole audience (full of drag queens, it seemed) at the fake runway show, without completely losing her cool. And when Tyra lectured her at panel about wearing her hair differently, her response was a very casual: "I smell what you're stepping in." Remind me to use that phrase sometime. Second place in the personality department is Brooke, who is definitely trying too hard to be that cute, quirky girl. Still, her Tyra Mail guesses were pretty funny: I'm pretty sure she's the one who guessed "bungee jumping" for the first one that said "watch your step"; she was definitely the one who guessed they'd be designing their own dresses for the "walk the line" message; and when the mail said "walk the plank," Brooke got all excited about dressing like pirates.

Maybe I'm being an entertainment snob, but how very odd that tonight's celebrity tie-in (and prize for the challenge) is a charity led by Dennis Quaid. Now there's a name synonymous with fashion! A.J. rocked the challenge and the charity fashion show, but I think it would have been a really nice gesture if she'd brought Brooke along to Austin, Brooke's hometown. Oh, well, as Monique kept pointing out, they're not there to make friends. It was kind of sad to see some of the former Top Models at the show, talking a little too enthusiastically about their great success. Camille looked really haggard, didn't she? Like she'd aged 10 years.

Darn, I hope the karma gods don't strike me down for that statement. They clearly had it out for Monique, whose acts of "revenge" against Melrose should have gotten her kicked out for sexual harassment. But before things could escalate any further, Monique suddenly came down with an attack of "dehydration." A.J., with some magical powers of video editing, reminded us how Danielle had the same problem last cycle and still managed to climb aboard an elephant to rock her shoot. Then again, that elephant moved way less than this sadistic floating runway. Actually, I think it would have been more fun to see them dressed like pirates for that feat.

I don't really feel like commenting on their individual performances — they're just not inspiring that in me. I will say that A.J. suddenly pulled ahead of the pack, and I'm liking Jaeda more each episode. The judges must have been in that room too long, 'cause they sure got the sillies by the time they got around to evaluating Monique. That gospel performance, complete with table banging and Tyra standing on the chair to sing, was downright frightening. Not as frightening as Miss J's google-y eye, however. How does he do that?

So now that the villain of the house is out, odds are that others will step in to fill that vacancy. Any guesses on who that'll be?

Why, oh why didn't I eat dinner before watching Top Model tonight? Now that Monique's unspeakable act of revenge against Melrose made me lose my appetite, I might be foregoing food for a while. That little brat makes me so happy my high-school years are safely a decade behind me: She takes the "mean girl" concept to new lows. Problem is, unlike Jade and Brande before her, she's not all that bad at modeling. Speaking of their predecessors, this is the first time I got to see the new opening credits (watched a screener of the premiere before vacation last week), and I'm not sure how I feel about the absence of montages of past Top Models. Is there some attempt at a clean slate with the CW? Ford, Elle and Janice have all gone the way of Adrianne Curry's modeling career, I guess. It's all about pleasing the young Seventeen crowd now.

Tyra Mail must be getting dumbed down for this audience, too. The first one referenced the "O-Jays," and the second didn't even try to be a riddle: "Don't wear makeup." The breakfast with the Jays cleverly killed two birds with one stone: It was a chance for Jay to crassly bring up Megan's plane-crash story just for fun, and it gave Frederic Fekkai a chance to open a salon in their living room (my house next, please!). Overall, I give Tyra points for the makeovers this year, with a few exceptions: CariDee's ridiculous Barbie extensions, the shade of Melrose's hair, and not giving Monique better crying material. I mean, the little princess had to scrape the bottom of the barrel with that bit about people seeing her without a weave for five seconds. She was so envying Jaeda's hair-loss tears. The person who should have been crying? Anchal. Having your forehead threaded sounds like medieval torture. I liked the subtle effect, though. Best makeovers: Brooke as a brunette, A.J.'s Linda Evangelista color and Megan as a blonde.

What a clever twist on the makeup challenge! Instead of the simple 30-second rush for makeup and wardrobe, they had a 30-second rush for makeup and wardrobe, plus being jammed into an elevator with Jay, plus the threat of getting shut out of said scary box and left behind. Next, they got to meet someone wearing a three-inch-thick Queen Latifah mask and get criticized for not applying masks of their own.

I'm just wondering why they chose this week to do a photo shoot with the Hair Wars artists. Tyra must be taking tips from Heidi Klum in the sadistic-judge department. We're going to chop all your hair off, change your hair color and, once you've finally gotten over the shock, make you wear a wig! No, wait, a wig with pinwheels! Michelle and Amanda were instant shoo-ins. They totally understand posing. Melrose stepped it up. Anchal doesn't have to move a muscle to get praise. Megg looked terribly plain. Brooke was cute as usual. Eugena let her ego get in the way. A.J. was channeling Rachel Griffiths. CariDee was called a drag queen, but I liked her pic. Jaeda, Megan and Monique were completely blank. And I actually agree with the elimination of Megan. She didn't show much potential beyond the one cute look. And the repeated chance for Jay and Tyra to bring up her tragic childhood. Now, if they'd realized she was a lesbian, too, maybe Jaeda would've been ousted first.

Did I tune in at the wrong hour? 'Cause it sure feels like this is Tyra, not America's Next Top Model. That's not to say this wasn't always partly a show about stroking the ego of an aging supermodel, but this cycle, she seems to be taking a page out of Janice Dickinson's book and not holding back a thing. It's almost refreshing, really.

The evidence: 1) The first model we saw before the panel was Christian, a girl who idolizes Miss T so much, she's memorized her most famous poses. 2) In some way or other, La Banks compared herself to every other girl who walked in the room. One girl wore a gold bikini  what a coincidence, Tyra modeled a similar one in this hot photo! In a moment of talk-show-host self-deprecation, she called herself "a slave" for wearing a weave, in order to make a point to Anchal, the Indian girl with the blue contacts, that it's kinda wrong to want Caucasian features, but she can do it anyway. Ms. Banks, if you're trying to send a message to the little girls in the audience, would you mind deciding what it is first? 3) The 21 semifinalists received the good news in a fake "Tyra" magazine. Is this some kind of hint that she's going to attempt a Rosie/O/Martha? 4) While in previous cycles, the model houses were filled with photos of Tyra and other models, sometimes including past contestants, this year, the competition has been removed: Tyra's staring at her little protégées from every corner.

But let's not let her dominate this whole discussion: Let's meet the girls who will never in a million careers be as successful as their benefactor. The aforementioned Anchal, who Tyra thinks is beautiful beyond belief, but who I think has bone structure that's bizarre as hell. She reminds me of last cycle's Gina. I can't yet tell apart the twins, Amanda and Michelle. They're super skinny and have that plain, oddly proportioned face that the fashion world loves, so I think at least one of them will go far. Short-haired Megan is very classically beautiful, but what will get her the most points on this show is if she can pull out that story of the plane crash a few more times. (Don't hate, this is why we love these shows!) Artsy A.J. hasn't done much to impress me; she also needs to learn the lesson that no matter what your photos look like, the judges ultimately go by what they see in person. Not that it makes any sense, but that's the name of the game  though Tyra seemed to be having a little too much fun messing with all the girls' outfits and hair in the judging room. Megg is not long for this show: I can hear the "no variety" judgment already. Melrose alternates between attractive and scary; great bone structure, but if they're already saying she looks old, she's doomed. The drag queen of the season is Jaeda (just like Jade!), who said she was the "hot" girl in high school, making us all want to kick her. (Who says that?) Eugena was heading up her own campaign to be the bitch of the season, if only behind everyone's backs, in front of the panel and in confessionals. After she bad-mouthed her competition (not that I disagree with anything she said), Tyra shut her up with "Do you think you're likable? 'Cause I don't think so." But Tyra did think she was hateable, hence her presence here. Did they know they'd be getting a rival diva in Monique? Her sob story about being called Blackula in her own family sure fooled us for two seconds. The second she was in the house, though, she proved to be one spoiled little princess, with her hourlong showers and bed-stealing ways. How many weeks before somebody loses a Red Bull? Christian, the Tyra wannabe, is pretty, and that was her downfall, of course. She's not weird or striking enough to attract the eye. The same fate will probably befall Caridee eventually; generic blondes go nowhere on this show. The other blonde, Brooke, has got some spunk, but she needs to learn how to photograph better.

Phew! Retracting the claws now. Didn't even get the chance to mention the super-brief appearance of Aswirl, the wrongness of the twins' eating-disorder photo shoots, the utter waste of a good photo controversy, my renewed love for Nigel (we actually saw evidence of his wife!) and growing boredom with Miss J's rhyming pronouncements. But I'm sure you folks will cover what I missed.

Let's begin with a few things that have been bugging me, OK? First, what is up with that red superhero minivan that drove the girls around their whole time in Thailand? I think it'll be the latest craze among soccer moms. Also, how distracting were all of Jade's changing hairstyles during her confessionals? And another thing: If Tyra's so obsessed with proper speech, why can't she figure out that the correct phrase should be "one step closer toward becoming America's Next Top Model" not "towards"?

How crazy unfair that Jade got to read cue cards for her CoverGirl commercial (which really sounded like an infomercial), while Joanie and Danielle still had to do theirs by memory. Not that it helped her any. (Her babbling to the judges about admiring actors was almost as funny as her elephants-are-dinosaurs quote!) And when it came to the print ad, everything the Jade-haters have been thinking all along was proven once and for all: Her face is to harsh and edgy to convey that warm, sunny CoverGirl feeling. Her photo looked so false and airbrushed, while Joanie's garnered comparisons to Grace Kelly and Danielle got a "You make me want to melt" from Nigel. So with a nonsensical poem about "reaching the plateau of the highest me" and some crazy laughing and snapping, it was bye-bye to Jade and Jade's potential.

Danielle and Joanie seemed like they'd been friends from the beginning, which I'm sure helped the last day be slightly less nerve-racking. Joanie seemed to be a little off her game, though, in the moments leading up to their three-mile hike — er, I mean loooong runway show through winding temple paths. It couldn't have been easy to walk past an audience sitting on the same level as you, especially in 99 degree weather on a slippery floor. Danielle, the one who sprained a toe in their first runway challenge, rocked it out, while Joanie looked down too much and wasn't quite able to focus until her second outfit.

Nigel called the choice the hardest one ever. And from what I can tell from your comments, the fans have been split between Joanie and Danielle for a while. Either the runway competition or the good rags-to-riches story must have cinched the deal for Danielle. I say, good luck to both of 'em!

I've never been to Thailand, but I can just feel the humidity from here. And it's gotta be hard, even for a model, to look good after a few hours of those conditions in an open-air tuk-tuk (yes, I had to look up that spelling). It's not so surprising that all four girls looked rather wilted during their go-sees. Except when they donned the chipmunk heads for the Alice in Wonderland lingerie collection. That was flattering. Also? How do you expect anyone in a new city to be able to estimate how much of a time delay traffic will cause? Jade, on the other hand, took a page out of the Yaya/Naima book and decided that meeting these Thai designers was more important than completing the challenge. And I kind of understand that — if you think you'll ever encounter these designers again, well, yes, it's a good idea to do some networking while you can. Especially when you have an ego the size of Jade's and think everyone who encounters you must agree that you are the undiscovered supermodel. Too bad they didn't grade the lateness on a curve and give Danielle credit for arriving just a little late. It was her first win and she had to watch that wardrobe slip away from her.

Interesting how, upon their arrival in Phuket, all the girls could talk about was how beautiful and perfect everything was there. Then the next morning, when Tyra had them observe a moment of silence for the tsunami victims, suddenly they're all affected and acting like the tsunami has always been on their minds.

What a tricky thing putting the girls in sexy swimsuits and having them splash around in front of Nigel Freakin' Barker and then complaining that they were too sexy in their photos. The man could make a nun pose for Maxim. And what an annoying thing to slip that cell-phone ad (and no one ever said the company name clear enough for me to understand) not once, but twice, into their shoot. Sara was predictably self-conscious and awkward; Joanie was her usual great self; and, as usual, Danielle faltered at first but finally relaxed. But for once Jade surprised me with her creativity. The water and Jade really do mix, I suppose.

Was anyone surprised that Sara got the boot? Nope. (Though it's silly that the casting people went out of their way to discover a girl in a mall, and then the judges went and punished her for being discovered in a mall.) Is it easy to guess the final winner? Not. At. All. This oughtta be good. One last note about Danielle: Are they so concerned with her accent because they've noticed how grating Nicole's nasally Midwestern delivery has been? And if they were so ready to get her and Joanie's teeth fixed, why don't they invest in a speech coach or something?

You know what would be great? If the Amazing Race contestants met up with the Top Model girls on their photo shoot in Thailand and fed the monkeys together. Of course, since they're on at the same time, that would probably make my TV explode or display the death hieroglyphics, so never mind.

I have my doubts about how much these cultural-immersion lessons — tonight's classic Thai dancing, the Japanese tea ceremony a few seasons back — really have to do with modeling. In the real world, I believe models are taken out clubbing to make them feel at home with the locals. But who cares, these are our cultural lessons, too, and it's damn funny to watch Jade/Yaya show the world just how multicultural they are. Did some producer tell the dance instructor to be sure to include that bit about hand position showing arrogance? "I don't have an ounce of arrogance in my body," Jade told us. And then when Joanie called her defensive, she parried with "No, no, no. That is a lie!" But oh, Joanie's conversations with Jade would be so much more enjoyable if Joanie could speak properly with those giant caps on her teeth. Meanwhile, the nondefensive argument got so heated, no one seemed to notice Danielle being carried off to the hospital. Poor Danielle. It cannot be fun to be in a hospital when you don't speak the language. It'd be kind of like what Nigel and Twiggy would feel like in a hospital in Arkansas, since Southern twang is apparently a rare dialect to the Brits. I'm so proud of Danielle for pulling through and making it to the elephant shoot. I see a theme going on here: Both she and Joanie seem to photograph really well when they feel like they're going to puke. And that is, indeed, what makes a good model. Well, that plus being able to shave your legs in the middle of a jungle.

I just about regurgitated my dinner laughing as I played and replayed Jade's intelligent pronouncement of the evening: "Shooting with the elephant, it reminds me of an ancient dinosaur, because they are in the dinosaur family." Love. It.

Inspired by her dancing victory, Joanie got creative with her elephant model and even impressed Jay with her poses. She impressed Sara a whole lot more. I like Joanie all the more for not bitching Sara out for stealing her style.

Oh, Furonda. I'm with Nigel: The girl's spunk and entertainment value made her worth keeping around. But she wasn't the brightest mannequin in the lot when it came to learning the skills Tyra thinks are necessary for Top Model status. I hope CW gets her a guest spot or two on a new show next season. She was fierce when she catwalked out of that judging.

Second highlight of the night? In response to Jade's "Thank you for believing in me," Tyra shot back, "It's not necessarily me believing in you." Ha!