Real World: Denver

Dear P.J., Mercii and Jared,

Take a lesson from Corey and get out now! If you haven’t dumped these f***-ups after seeing this episode, then you deserve them. That’s all I’m going to say. "Now let’s get f***-ed up and drink some beer!"

I think this episode set the gay community back about 20 years, or at least it showed that the average person isn’t as enlightened as I might have thought they were. Colie and Jenn just lying there and watching Davis and his guy having sex? Why were the guys OK with letting them do that? It’s not some freak show. (I know I’ve said this before, but it was even worse this time.) And just because the girls have never seen it before, they get to treat the gay guys like some strange exhibit? And then Colie has the nerve to say, “Ugh. Let’s go do something heterosexual.” I thought if anyone would be open-minded about sex, it would be Colie and her big sack of horny desperation, but I guess not.

But thanks to Colie, we got a really juicy tidbit! Davis hooked up with this guy before?! How did MTV miss this? I didn’t expect Davis to talk about it, being the delusional, amoral looney that he is, but why was this guy never on camera if he hooked up with Davis before? Scandalous! That better have been a deal-breaker for P.J., because that’s just ridiculous. And while I’m beating this dead horse, Davis really seemed to believe he didn’t do anything other than kiss this guy when Stephen was confronting him.... He’s nuuuts!

So Stephen and Jenn hooking up was just... gross. Was I the only one who thought that? Their whole flirtation grossed me out for some reason. And sorry, a hungover visit to church to make you feel better about drunkenly cheating on your girlfriend is so lame to me. In general, this cast needs to learn to deal with the consequences of their actions themselves. Davis’ “I want to be straight. I’m choosing to go to hell” speech was so painful. It offends me that he thinks it’s a choice. I know he’s had a horrible upbringing, but it’s so offensive. He said his goal was to be a positive representative of the gay community, and I think he was the total opposite.

But overall, this was such an awesome episode. I guess MTV saved the best for last!

I thought it was funny: No one was crying over Alex, and Brooke was crying over everyone. Not what I expected. I wonder if Brooke really meant what she said about how being on a reality show gave her “new life,” or if she was just so emotional and exhausted by that point she didn’t know which way was up. I guess we’ll see at the reunion!

Hey! It’s Colie! She’s incredibly hungover and her hair looks disgusting, and she probably smells bad! Yay! First Brooke thinks Colie’s too crazy, now Jenn thinks Colie’s too skanky — she is not looking good.

I thought this was a really fun episode, minus the Brooke freak-outs. I know I always defend her, but I’m really getting sick of those. If I were her friend, I have to say, I’d want to smack her on this trip, or I would just try to ditch her whenever possible. I think the other roommates making fun of Davis for being whipped was going too far, though.

So, Bangkok freaked out Brooke, but she couldn’t have been happier once they all arrived at their beach resort. She even got drunk to the point where she couldn’t stop screaming and at least ran next to the path of fire, or whatever. Tyrie and Davis kind of faded into the background this episode: We didn’t get to see Tyrie almost getting into a fight, as he described, nor did we get to see Davis get so drunk that he passed out before midnight, as he described. Wait. I’m actually glad we didn’t see that; I still haven’t recovered from the last time I had to see him passed out from a night of drinking…. Ugh.

Anyway, Colie and Alex seem to be drifting apart as Jenn and Stephen seem to be getting closer. Well, it was pretty clear Alex never liked Colie, but now his disinterest is developing into outright disgust, as he looked incredibly nauseated recounting Colie's going topless in front of everyone in the first hour of their trip. I understand “letting loose” when you’re on vacation, but come on, Colie. No one wants to see that.

So Stephen is appreciating Jenn’s boob job more lately. Who thinks they’re going to hook up? That would be bizarre.… I’m leaning toward no — not because Jenn has a boyfriend (since that would obviously never stop her). But I think I would have gotten more of a hint from MTV about it by now, since that would be pretty major.

So I’ll give Colie one thing: In the past, she was never an angry drunk. She was a sloppy, easy and irritating drunk, but never an angry drunk. But for some reason, she was just being a bee-yotch in Thailand as soon as she’d had a few, bragging about being the only one to “get laid,” attacking Alex when he was clearly doing everything in his power to avoid her and talking smack about Brooke. What’s wrong, Colie? You had sex with an Australian man who looks twice your age on both nights — that sounds like your idea of heaven.

Ah, what would this season have been without Colie? I can’t even imagine.

Sorry for the late post! I've been in transit.

Ooh… so Colie has bizarre-o abandonment issues. That’s why she’s such a skank. It’s all coming together for me now; I knew something was up with that girl. You don’t just tell a guy at a bar that you’re good at b---jobs and not have some sort of emotional deficiency. Well, at least I think so. And you know Colie’s got serious problems when Brooke is looking at her like she’s crazy. What a messed up cast.

So the group finally gets back from Outward Bound, and I could not be happier that bull s--- is over. Colie had gone home early because she was sick — again. Strep throat this time? Why is Colie always sick? I honestly think it’s just for attention, and we all know how much she craves that. Alex then walks around in a stupid bandanna, calls Colie “dude” and tells her she missed out on some serious fake-therapy love-ins around the camp fire. She seems to have moved on.

Then Colie goes out on a “date” with former Outward Bound instructor, Adam. I still don’t know why he ever agrees to hang out with Colie because it seems like he can’t stand her. And, of course, Colie is so desperate to have a male touching her at all times, she doesn’t care what comes out of her mouth… or what goes in. Ha! (Sorry about that.) She actually tells Adam she intends to call his mom to complain she’s tired of stalking him. Who wouldn’t want to date this girl? Especially with that charming slurred speech.

Colie decides that her relationship with Adam isn’t “vibing.” He “won’t have sex with her,” if you will. Colie then rationalizes jumping onto Alex when he comes home drunk and giving him a b---job so he’ll sleep in her bed. Classy. Really, Colie, what guy who is black-out drunk is going to turn that down? Your emotional issues aren’t an excuse for having absolutely no self-respect. And then, since she’s apparently not over making Alex jealous, she promises the male model a b---job at a bar as well. Well, when you know you’re good at something, right?

Oh, yeah. Davis was in this episode, too. Why can I never feel sorry for him? He’s crying in confessional about his relationship with his mom and his sister, and it’s sad. But I just don’t feel for him at all. There’s something so emotionally out of touch with him; he just reeks sociopath. And could he have been any grosser during his birthday night out? I know you’re supposed to get wasted on your birthday, but why was he stripping for that girl? And why on earth was he naked at the computer? Other people have to sit on that chair! Why was there no explanation for that?

Davis’ mother is so scary. Her “expressing her disappointment” on the phone was terrifying to me, even if she did have a right to be mad. And did she say she wasn’t religious just after she finished lecturing her son about Jesus on the cross? Right. Oh, and I did not need to see pictures of Davis’ childhood.

So, Thailand next episode! And Brooke needs to keep her mouth shut when it comes to her knowledge of other cultures.

I should probably keep my mouth shut about Outward Bound... I feel so mean. But I tend to agree with Brooke’s initial attitude toward it that it seems a little silly to be taking it so seriously. I can appreciate a love of the outdoors, of pushing yourself physically, but I really don’t see why rappelling down a mountain is so life-changing.

OK, OK. That’s because I’ve never done it. But I just don’t get it, and I guess that’s why I find these episodes so boring. I’ve never missed Colie’s slutty escapades more than this week!

Or maybe I hate this episode because... (I bet you can guess why!) I hate Camp Counselor Chris! I want him to fall off the mountain. Am I the only one who feels that way?

Well, anyway, maybe I’m just less inclined to let this sort of thing go since I hate these episodes so much, but where were Tyrie and Alex during the hike? Why were Stephen and Brooke left alone? And where was Brooke during the boy’s hike? Hmmm....

So Brooke was in tears after her Outward Bound experience, and she said it changed her life because now she has learned to face her fears in life. OK. Who honestly believes Brooke is less crazy/more happy now that she rappelled down a mountain? I don’t think she is. And also, we can all agree that Brooke has serious psychological issues and probably has and continues to undergo therapy and takes medication for her conditions. I really don’t think Chris or Jenn are registered psychologists, so I don’t think it’s their place to push someone who is not mentally stable into such a stressful emotional state. I mean, they knew Brooke could technically do it, of course, and that she would experience relief when it was over, but they don’t really know what effect stress like this has on every single person. In general, I feel like most of the positive emotions at the end of the trip were a result of relief that it was over, not because the experience really changed them for the better. I don’t believe Ashley K. is a better/happier person now, either. So, yeah. I don’t think this sort of experience is for everyone, and it just makes me mad to see someone forcing someone into doing it. I'm sorry.

I also don’t think Brooke really cared about earning Chris’ respect, nor do I think she should care about earning it. Oh, well.

But that’s just my opinion, of course. I could be totally wrong. But I will confidently say that Camp Counselor Chris was not being sincere. There is no way the Real World cast exceeded his expectations or that Brooke is his hero. Don’t say stuff like that if you don’t mean it. Earlier, Chris was expressing his shock at how horribly out of shape these people were. Maybe they just exceeded his expectations by not dying.

Speaking of which, judging from the preview, it looks like Colie’s mono is going to be short-lived yet again!

You know what, Davis? Remember when you felt the need to prove yourself after all of your roommates thought you were a racist psychopath? Remember? I remember. You’d think you’d be a little bit nicer to everyone. Oh, but wait. I forgot you are never aware of your actions or what comes out of your mouth or why anyone would ever take offense to you. I forgot it just never registers. You don’t understand why Brooke would be mad at you when you say she's not very pretty and has a double chin; you don’t understand why Jenn would be mad at you for telling her boyfriend whom you don’t know about the times she cheated on him. Hmmm. How do you ever have friends at all, Davis? You are so emotionally f-ed up and disconnected. Must have been all of those years being in the closet and being told you were going to burn in hell for something you couldn’t control. But I’ve had enough of it, whatever it is. Go back to your identical-twin boyfriend.

Ugh! I just wish he had left the show after the second episode like he was about to do! How much better would this show be without him?

But Tyrie tells Jared about Jenn’s sex life as well? Why don’t these people just pretend not to know? That’s what I would have done. None of them know Jared, so I really don’t think it’s their place to be telling him anything. Not that I’m condoning Jenn’s cheating on Jared or lying about it (I actually think he’s too good for her in general). And it’s not like Jared wouldn’t have found out when the show aired anyway, but these house mates should know that it’s not a good idea to get into someone else’s long-distance relationship. I thought at least Tyrie would know that.

But as is so often the case with this season, the resolutions were very anticlimactic. About Davis, Jenn said she would “kill that mother f*****,” and, if she had a gun, she “would shoot him.” But she and Davis never had a satisfying confrontation — you know she still, rightfully so, hates him. And Jenn’s confrontation with Jared was disappointing, too. He just decided to “not be a bitch” and not care that his girlfriend cheated on him? Well, OK. I guess he hooked up with other girls, too. (And didn’t have cameras around to force him to tell the truth.)

So I was actually really happy for my girl Brooke when she found a new prospect. And boy was she horny. She would just not stop hugging that guy. That poor girl: She’s the only one who hadn’t taken advantage of MTV camera carte blanch at bars. I wish I could have seen the end of that date — did they even kiss? And as far as the little bump in their relationship, I agree with her that bowling is not a good second date for most people and he should have known, even after one meeting, that Brooke wasn’t the type of girl who would want to go bowling. I don’t know if every girl would understand, though, as she seems to think.

Ew. More Outward Bound next week. I just hope Chris's airtime is minimal.

So I know I have a lot of problems with Stephen, Jenn and especially with Colie, but this episode really put my issues with them into perspective. That group of horny, idiot drunks has never just... baffled me in the way that Brooke and Davis do. With the majority, at least, I can understand what they’re thinking, even if what they’re thinking is stupid. With the two actual nut-jobs of the house, I really have no idea what is going on in their heads — and I would be afraid to ever find out.

Colie and Jenn actually impressed me in this episode. At least they have some grasp on basic social interaction, of how to speak to people — which isn’t true for Davis at all. It was really nice of Colie to comfort Brooke, or at least let Brooke vent to her, and I mean really vent, considering Brooke called Colie a "f------ bitch" to her face. Colie didn’t need to do it, but it shows that she has some common sense and common courtesy when it comes to dealing with other people. I tend to take that for granted in my rantings, but, of course, Davis made me rethink that.

Also, Jenn’s restraint at being told out of the blue while at a bar that she needed to lose weight was very remarkable. Good for you, Jenn. It would have been better not to mention it to Colie and Brooke afterward and just let it die, but who could expect that? I don’t know how she stayed with Davis in her seat at the bar for one more second after what he said to her, but she calmly finished her drink. Impressive.

So, yeah. I can’t even find the words to express how much I hate Davis and how much I completely don’t understand what he thinks. Brooke loses control and acts crazy, obviously, but Davis does more subtle, and in my opinion, equally crazy things. And whenever he does them, he remains completely calm and in control. He’s so freaky!

Oh, yeah. Both Brooke and (to a certain extent) Davis himself attribute his meanness toward the people in the house to his being gay. Davis also said that Tyrie would never really be friends with him because he is gay. No. It is not because you are gay that you don’t have friends, Davis. It is because your personality sucks. It is not because you are gay that you say mean things about people’s appearance when no one asked you what you thought. It is because you are an ass. There.

Who in their right mind says to someone’s face, “You should lose some weight.”? Seriously! Much less to a girl. Much less to someone you’re not even really friends with. It blows my mind! How could you have so little regard for with whom you are speaking? Why would you, in casual conversation, expect anything other than causing offense by calling someone fat? It’s not the fact that he thought those things that freaks me out; it’s that he chose to say them to people’s faces. Why? What do you expect Brooke to say when you volunteer, “I like you, you’re just not the prettiest person in the world.” Oh, well, I really appreciate your honesty considering I never asked you for your opinion on my appearance.... I’ll just take that as constructive criticism and go home and pray — pray that even though Davis doesn’t think I’m the most attractive person in the world, I will somehow find the strength to go on living. But Davis says he still likes me. I still have that!

And then Davis has the nerve to say that he doesn’t understand why Brooke cares about what he said. It looks like Brooke accepted his apology only because she has to continue living with him, which would be the only good reason to do so. And I try to be on Brooke’s side because, when she’s up, I think she’s definitely the coolest person in the house. And the things that set her off — I think she is consistently justified in being mad (maybe not that nail salon incident), but her reactions are just so crazy! Like... who ever gets that mad? Ever. About anything. Brooke was so mad, she couldn’t even contain a sentence she was writing to one page. She then said she would “kill Davis with her bare hands if she could.” I can’t imagine what that level of rage must feel like....

Well, along to the side story: Tyrie dumping Jazalle’s emotional ass. I guess he just associated her with his traumatic detox experience and with having an arrest on his record for the rest of his life. I have to say, I can’t blame him. Obviously, this wasn’t Jazalle’s fault, but perhaps Tyrie just saw the dramatics that dating her brought out in both of them and decided it wasn’t worth it. But that means that incredibly lame nickname, "Dark Kent," is coming back. Does anyone else think Tyrie is too cool to talk about something as dumb as a stupid, fake persona in social situations?

Oh, great. Another Outward Bound-centric episode. I hate these! Worst. Job idea. Ever. At least Creepy Counselor Chris’ airtime was minimal.

So the hike begins and it seems all the stress the cast underwent to prepare these kids for this “life-changing experience” was all for nothing, as the New Orleanians consistently say things like this during the hike: “F--- this.” The kids also seem to turn suicidal as they refuse to come out of freezing water despite Creepy Camp Counselor Chris yelling that they are going to get hypothermia. (P.S. This made me feel not quite as bad for CariDee during America’s Next Top Model....)

In the end, though, the kids seem to be moved by the whole trip. Or maybe they are just so physically spent and relieved that the nightmare is over that they break down into tears at the drop of a hat…? That’s what I think, but hey, I hate the wilderness. I just don’t agree with Colie that climbing this mountain will change these kids’ lives — it won’t buy them new houses. But where was Brooke? No drama from her at all during this trip? I’m impressed.

So we all know how much I hate Stephen, but I had to agree with him (at least initially) that no one had a right to be bitchy and judgmental with him for leaving the hike to attend his sister's wedding. I also sympathized with his feeling pushed into the background by Colie and Tyrie. With their constant talking to/yelling at the campers, how could Stephen ever get a word in? How could he “show his passion"? Well, anyway, that’s the impression I got. Obviously, he wasn’t enthusiastic about this job — overeager partners and family wedding aside — but I did actually want to defend him in this instance.

But in usual Stephen fashion, his horrible, horrible personality made me quickly hate him again. He said he could be the No. 1 employee if he had wanted to? Oh, I’m afraid not, Stephen. I don’t know what world you live in, but you are not likable at all. You’re actually a hateful, stupid, overly judgmental person, and there’s no way those kids would have preferred hanging out with you over Tyrie, even if he did give you time to talk.

Now, let’s talk about how much I hate Davis. Why is he such a s--t-starter? What Tyrie said about Stephen isn’t any of his business, and he just infuriates people unnecessarily.

Later, Colie and Stephen semi-make up. But I’m so sick of her and of Jenn’s condescending “reconciliations” with people they clearly do not like, with comments such as, “I don’t dislike you as a person..." or “I think you’re genuinely a good person...." Who cares what you think, bitch? No one asked. And Colie’s comments to Stephen were no exception, even though she did end up apologizing profusely. I have a feeling she was just drunk and didn’t really know or care what she was apologizing for. Well, since I hate them both so much, I don’t really know whose side to take…. Story of this season with me, I must say.

Not that I'm really against it, but when did everyone jump on the I-hate-Stephen bandwagon? Hey, I was hating Stephen before it was cool. MTV really seemed to be portraying him as a villian in this episode more than ever before — and honestly, his behavior this episode didn't offend me as much as the horrible things that have come out of his mouth in the past have, during which the show's editing portrayed him as a much more positive and well liked presence in the house. I had no idea until now that Colie and Stephen didn't like each other. I also had no idea that Jenn and Stephen's making up after their Mercii fight didn't really fix their relationship. But now Stephen's the one with all the drama surrounding him, MTV tells us. OK.

So, I guess he had a bad attitude about Outward Bound. I didn't realize quite how bad, though, until that comment at the very end about being happy to see people he actually cared about, unlike anyone in Colorado. Whoa.... So don't get me wrong, Stephen annoyed me in this episode, too: If a camp counselor were just silent and surly, I could see it making these kids — who are probably uncomfortable enough already — feel worse. Although, you know what? Looking back on my childhood's scarring experiences of mandatory physical activity, it was the in-my-face, screaching instructors (i.e. Colie) who upset me the most, even though they might have been trying to help. But whatever. This behavior is just yet another edition going into my I-hate-Stephen library. But those kids seemed nice — I'd like to know which counselor they actually liked the most. Maybe they did prefer Colie over Stephen, (I know I'm a bit biased against her). And if Stephen was bad, what was Miss Brooke like? I can't even imagine.

Well, I certainly couldn't see any of them liking Chris. Oh, god. He makes me want to vomit! His pretending to play basketball with Tyrie, looking like a complete tool... and the way he just throws around buzz words like "I play to win" or "level Mount Everest" — it all annoys me so much. What does that stuff even mean? How did his stupid pep talk actually work on Tyrie, who felt so strongly five minutes before? I'll never understand it.

So, I also have to wonder how much of that Let's Go Around the Table and Tell Each Person What We Don't Like About Him session was really standard Outward Bound counselor procedure and how much of it was MTV trying to make this entertainment bust of a job more interesting. And was Chris supposed to mediate the group's insults? What did he think would happen? Stephen's "good talk" remark summed it up — this, not surprisingly, only made everyone more pissed off at each other. Great counseling, Chris.

Oh, yeah. So, I'm bad with directions too, but umm... an hour in the wrong direction? An hour? How could none of them have noticed? That was pretty much just... sad. Not much else, guys.

Well, this episode was pretty anticlimactic, huh? After all that build up, everyone’s kind of just back where they were a few episodes ago. Jenn’s gone back to being a skank — well, gone back to not caring about being a skank — and Tyrie and Jazalle are back together. The only real change is that Tyrie now has an arrest on his record and clearly regrets coming on the show. In my opinion, he’s come out looking the best of anyone on the cast so far, even though I think he went too far with Jazalle, and the arm grabbing was not OK. But she was really overreacting, I think, and I was never worried about her safety — everyone was just drunk. Maybe I would feel differently if I had Tyrie’s — I don’t even know how much he must weigh — build screaming at me and grabbing me. But he didn't come off as a future wife-beater to me. But like I said, I can’t blame him for worrying about his reputation and his future after having his behavior in a really unnatural situation broadcast all over America. I mean, can you imagine anyone ever dating Brooke (as much as I love her) after seeing her on this show? MTV definitely killed her future love life.

I don’t think Tyrie’s going to leave the show or anything; I think he was just upset. And also, it’s just so painful to see this guy cry (that’s probably something else he regrets having been caught on camera), because I really believe him when he says these sorts of things would never have happened to him under normal circumstances. But at the same time, he knew the cops were there, so I can’t really excuse his peeing in public. And why was detox the “worst experience of his life"? What did they do to him?

By the way, Stephen can shove it. All he was concerned about was Tyrie embarrassing his race...? Oh, come on. I don’t even know where to begin with this one. He’s just such a hateful person — he has his mind in the wrong place.

But on a lighter note: Jenn’s a huge skank! I loved the cast’s euphemisms for her: Oh, she’s “free-spirited,” or don’t get involved with her because she has “got a lot of other stuff going on.” Really Jenn, turn down the slutty just a little bit. Please. And stop wearing so much makeup. And for god’s sake, I see way too much of your incredibly agile tongue when you're making out with people in bars. You just scream “professional” when you're hooking up... not good. It’s also not good how the guys you hook up with never seem to remember the next morning why they hooked up with you. “I don’t know, we were just talking, then we were making out... then we were in bed, I guess.” The only plus was that she was a Raider-ette. Jenn, what happened to you giving up drinking, anyway?

This episode really took it out of me, and that "To Be Continued" — now I feel even more overwhelmed. Well, to help me get things straight, I’ll make a time line of what’s happened with Jenn and Tyrie so far. Tell me if I have this right.

Jenn comes to the Real World house and immediately has sex with another cast member, Alex. She regrets her decision because of her new friendship with Colie.

Later, Jenn still feels like crap about hooking up with Alex and decides to insult him and interview about how he disgusts her. Jenn and Alex get drunk in the middle of the day and have sex again and take a shower together. Jenn doesn’t seem to feel as bad this time.

Jenn suddenly remembers she has a boyfriend, Jared, and is hysterical. She says she can’t lose Jared. She tells Jared she got drunk and had sex with Alex once and got caught up in a moment. Jared makes Jenn feel bad because he hasn’t hooked up with anyone. Jenn’s sister tells Jenn he’s made out with girls at bars many times.

Jenn feels stupid about being sort of honest, and her feelings for Jared disappear. Jenn develops a very generous view of Stephen’s friend’s appearance and throws herself at him. Stephen is not happy about this and is glowing during his confessional for some reason. Jenn’s efforts are interrupted by Tyrie and Jazalle screaming at each other.

Throughout, Jenn continues to humiliate herself and draw on her eyebrows.

That can’t be everything, can it? Well, wait. Now for Tyrie.

Tyrie meets Ashley at a bar and has sex with her. Tyrie meets Jazalle at a bar, but she won’t have sex with him. Jazalle finds out about Ashley, and Tyrie tells Jazalle he didn’t have sex with Ashley. Jazalle still hates Ashley and nicknames her Big Head. Tyrie isn’t opposed to the idea of having a threesome with the two of them.

Tyrie and Jazalle fall in love. Probably since it was on camera, Tyrie tells Jazalle that he actually did have sex with Big Head. Jazalle is upset.

Tyrie and everyone else happen to go to a new bar where Big Head works. Jazalle also happens to go to this bar. Big Head happens to be Tyrie and his table’s waitress.

Tyrie doesn’t acknowledge Big Head. Jazalle is still upset and leaves. Tyrie doesn’t care but calls Jazalle once he gets home. Jazalle is angry that Tyrie refers to Big Head by her real name. Jazalle is actually waiting outside of the house. It’s still unclear what Jazalle and Tyrie are fighting about other than Big Head being pretty.

Tyrie repeatedly yells at Jazalle to listen to him. Jazalle repeatedly tells Tyrie not to yell at her. Jazalle walks into the house uninvited and sits in the bathroom and starts crying. Tyrie follows her and continues to yell at her to listen to him. Jazalle continues to tell him to stop yelling at her and tries to leave. Tyrie grabs her arm, pulls her back and won’t let Jazalle’s cousin or anyone else into the bathroom.

To Be Continued.... Whew. So do I have everything right? It still seems so confusing to me. Maybe I'm trying too hard to make sense of these people. But does Tyrie really get arrested? He can’t leave the show, can he? That would kill me!

OK, guys, I'm getting ready to defend Brooke and bash Davis (standard fare, right?), so look away if you must. But I love Brooke! And I'm sick of seeing people mess with her, because she doesn't deserve it.

And Davis is just so weird — even P.J. seems to think so. Why in the world were they rolling around naked, asking Brooke to join in? It was strange that Brooke was watching and calling Jenn over like it was some sort of freak sideshow to see two guys kissing, but the fact that they were, or at least Davis was, trying to call attention to themselves just makes their relationship seem kind of odd and gross to me. At least Brooke had a sense of humor about it — it helps diffuse the weirdness of Davis' constant advances on her in general. But still, I wish he would just leave her alone.

And so the whole conflict between Brooke and Davis — well, it was really more Davis' problem since Brooke made it clear she didn't know why he was mad at her — stemmed from Davis thinking Brooke was trying to come between him and his boyfriend. OK, first of all, that's ridiculous because — and I know I'm offering a groundbreaking insight here — they're gay!

Brooke has said on many occasions that she would never want to come between them and that she really considers Davis her friend, and, by the way, he is the one who sexually harasses her. He's the one unzipping his pants, he's the one who upset his boyfriend — not Brooke. And Davis is the one who said that having a boyfriend shouldn't stop Brooke from having sex with him! I hate you, Davis! Don't act like Brooke drunkenly telling him to look out for himself affected your relationship with your boyfriend in any way, just because you are upset that he left and you're looking for some sort of target so you can feel better about yourself.

Brooke was too cool to be friends with him anyway. And as far as the Outward Bound thing goes, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: This was not a good or fair idea for the Real World job. A few days at the gym, even if Brooke had tried her hardest, could not level the playing field for this tiny girl who has clearly never done anything physical in her life.

But anyway, on a lighter note, I still love Tyrie! Isn't he the nicest guy in the world? I just can't get over it. And I love how he's so open about his attraction to Brooke but still respects her enough to keep his distance (unlike everyone's favorite freak!).

So all of my dreams of seeing Colie get repeatedly shot down came true. Seriously, I hope the slut finally gets it through her head that her policy with men isn't going to pay off, because I actually started to feel a little bad for her this episode. She's just so pathetic. Don't worry; I still think she's a big bitch in a stupid bun.

But anyway, she thankfully observed that, to use her own words, Alex will make out with anyone. I don't think she put it together that includes her though, since the moment her tearful goodbye with Corey ended, she was back to her old tricks: getting drunk, trying and failing to get Alex's attention, getting drunker, then literally throwing herself at him. (Not to mention violating and forcing her life story onto that poor girl who didn't know her in the hot tub.) But it looked like Alex, by the end, was really putting his foot down and Colie was getting the message. At least for the moment.

I also hope she takes Tyrie's advice to heart (which she won't). I'm so obsessed with him, by the way. His "Jenn's 3 and 0 with you, Colie" comment was hilarious.

I can't wait to see how Jenn and Colie's friendship is affected by Jenn shamelessly hooking up with Alex in front of Colie, which, by the way,
was so gross. I cringed when she licked his face at the bar, and I was right there with him in his reluctance to get in the shower with her. Of course, Colie thought the sex was some sort of ploy on Alex's part to make her jealous, which, obviously, it wasn't. (Alex doesn't have thoughts that complex even if he did have an interest in Colie.)

I have to say, I really like and respect Corey after this episode, and I'm so glad he broke up with Colie. He deserves so much better. (I can't believe he wanted to marry her!) They must have been really serious, which makes Colie's dismissive attitude seem really mean. I hope Colie will see guys get bored with her obnoxious, immature ways when it comes to men, but it's more likely she'll just get drunk and move on to the next one.

Oh, and can someone please get PJ to leave? Because...all those identical twins seem to do is walk around in their towels and brush their teeth five times a day. Well, I guess if it takes Davis away from the cameras, I shouldn't complain.

This episode... was so good. There’s almost too much to talk about, but I'll try. First off, can you imagine being Alex’s poor friend Brett? He really picked the worst time for him/best time for us to visit. He had to listen to Colie drunkenly whine about her boyfriend, then an hour later he had to see Colie sitting on Alex's lap begging him to have sex with her, followed the next day by lunch with Colie and her boyfriend as they made out across the table. Fun! Then, of course, he was there for the Brooke freak out (which I’ll get to in a second), then he had to watch Jenn and Alex make out next to him at the bar (which I’ll also get to in a second). I’d actually feel much worse for him if it didn’t look like he was trying to hook up with Colie that night at the bar. I was freaking out — I really thought they were going to on that walk home together (and why did they start running?). I certainly couldn’t put it past Colie.

OK, so these are the reasons why Colie is a huge bitch: Not only did she show up hungover when picking up her boyfriend at the airport, but she talked about how she didn’t care about him the whole night before and shamelessly threw herself at Alex yet again. Then she had the nerve to act 100 percent like Corey was her boyfriend and make out with him in front of everyone. That’s a really horrible thing to do to someone who cares about you, as Corey obviously does, so I don’t understand where she gets off having a crying fit to Alex over the way he treats her. She’s no better.

Colie is also completely delusional, which I think we’ve already established. But it reached new heights as soon as Alex started hooking up with her again. Colie said at least twice this episode that her relationship with Alex is "complex." No it’s not, you idiot! Listen to the way Alex talks about you, and you’ll see that it’s not (well, actually, you’d probably just go into denial). Also, correct me if I’m wrong — because I feel like this couldn’t have been what she actually said — but when she was cuddling with Alex, Colie said, "That’s why I’m here. I’m your wish. I’m your dream come true." If that actually came out of her mouth, Colie makes Brooke look emotionally stable.

And now to Alex and Jenn. So, basically Alex just sucks, and Jenn has amnesia. Those are the only conclusions I can reach. I can not believe they hooked up again! I guess Alex enjoys Colie's puppy dog devotion, so he started hooking up with her right before her boyfriend came to keep her coming back. But what was that comment about his penis’ heart not wanting to have sex with Colie, but his penis’ brain wanting to? I don’t understand that at all, but clearly a great mind at work.

And I had to listen to way too much of Jenn’s high-handed insults to Alex about how she was "too good for him" and how he "disgusted her" to see her hooking up with him again. What happened? What about what Alex said about her father? What about her bragging that she’s so “tight with Colie”? It makes no sense! I can’t handle it!

And finally, Brooke. I’m going to defend her breakdown as much as I can, since I would have been annoyed with Colie and Jenn, too. Colie probably never once did the dishes, and then when her boyfriend was coming, got on her high horse about everyone else being uncivilized; and Jenn did call Brooke a brat for no reason. But obviously, Brooke's reactions go beyond inappropriate to completely insane — I wouldn’t say scary, though. I couldn’t imagine Brooke being intimidating no matter how much she raised her voice. Could you see her actually hitting someone?

But Brooke has problems. She seems to realize and accept that she loses her mind, so you'd think she would work on that. But I could not have been happier when Brooke said the fighting had “only just begun.” Hooray!

I still haven’t forgotten that Davis is a freak show. I don’t care that he was drunk; I don’t care that he’s sorry. I just can’t get over it. So needless to say, I wasn’t really looking forward to this Davis-heavy episode.

For those of you who didn’t see his and Tyrie’s drunken fight, I actually don’t think I can describe how disturbing and scary-crazy Davis was. (I know I call Colie and Jenn crazy a lot, but this was actually crazy.) I was so disappointed when he didn’t go home. I hate him, and I just never have fun watching him. He has two personalities: the shrieking, racist psycho and the beige, soft-spoken country-club boy. He just sucks. And, of course, the other star of this episode, Stephen, sucks, too.

Could Stephen and Davis be any more awkward together? I have trouble believing that it's their idea to hang out as often as they do (I certainly don’t think it was their idea to go on a double date), and I really don’t have an interest in seeing them interact because not only do I not like or care about either of them, but they also never get anywhere in “overcoming their differences.” Stephen mentioned at least 10 times in this episode alone that he’s changed thanks to Davis, but has he really? It wasn’t like he was spitting on Davis the first day, and he still thinks Davis just needs to “work things out,” not that he, himself, needs to adjust his views on homosexuality.

It also confuses me how Davis can be such a self-loather and act like he’s so unexposed to being gay but then can be in a serious, ultra-romantic relationship with a guy. Those two with their “baby” and “I love you,” they seem perfectly comfortable with who they are. It just doesn’t make sense to me — in the same way that it doesn’t make sense to me that Stephen treats Davis like his friend and talks all the time about how he likes Davis and thinks he’s a good person (he even comforts Davis about his family hating him for being gay), but he also maintains that he’s going to burn in hell.

Ugh. Stephen’s views are so odd and backward not just for someone his age, but also for someone who seems reasonably cultured and articulate like he does. It’s weird to hear him talk in confessionals. And despite MTV’s encouragement, I really don’t think he’s changing his disgusting attitudes any time soon, and I’m pretty over it.

And as far as my hatred for Davis goes, maybe I need to take into consideration how his family treats him, but I just can’t help but associate that horrible upbringing with Davis himself. Oh, well. Hey, at least Colie’s fun to hate; I really hate Davis, but in the end, he just bums me out. I hope this episode means they’re done with him for the rest of the season.

And on a happier note: Guess who’s excited for Brooke to call Jenn and Colie bitches and then completely lose it? I am! I am!

Colie... Oh, Colie. You outdid yourself this time. But I have to say, at least you're predictable. Alex, you confused me in new and different ways this episode, and neither of you came out looking great. I’m not sure which one looked like the bigger freak, though, so let’s review.

So, this girl that Alex brings home and has sex with, Stacy, uses that oh-so-painful Paris Hilton baby voice and doesn’t seem to have a whole lot going on in the personality department. She's also a little thicky-thick, which is cool, but I had to agree with Colie in her immature bitchiness that the tube-top dress was not a good decision. So, Colie: 0, Alex: -1.

But seriously, that night Colie was acting like such a loser, I have to wonder if MTV regretted casting her. (How could I say such a thing?) I loved that at least the drunkies completely missed her stupid, “Oh, Alex, some girls called for you” comment, and I really wanted to smack some self-respect into this girl when she was imitating Stacy’s sex noises in hopes the pair would hear her. Isn’t that something you did in high school? That’s a penalty, for sure. Colie: -1, Alex: -1.

And you know what? At least Alex goes out, Colie. You don’t even bother anymore. (By the way, nice bottle service they had at the beginning of the episode, huh?) Colie has become this pathetic homebody because she doesn't have a man to make her feel good about herself. And I think everyone except Jenn is starting to see this and lose any respect they might have had for her. I actually laughed out loud after Colie roped Adam into asking her out, came into the living room, announced her date to everyone, and then no one cared. Stephen didn’t even look up from his book. Oh, that was heaven. Colie: -1, Alex: 0.

And not only do you look completely pathetic, Colie, but you also look like a huge bitch. Your boyfriend is visiting you in a few days, and you’re going on (semi-consensual) dates and crying to a complete creep, basically asking him to have sex with you? The way she leads on this BF — who seems to treat her really well (even though the “I was thinking about you so hardcore last night” comment was really lame and kind of dirty-sounding) — makes her, to me, completely unsympathetic. Colie: -2, Alex: 0.

And also, at least the questionably attractive person Alex brings home can bare to touch him. Adam seemed to cringe at Colie’s presence, not to mention the fact that he never said anything on their date. You know she grabbed his arm and put it on her to force him to spoon her. He must have felt so violated after that “date.” Colie: -3, Alex: 0.

As much of a creepy sociopath as Alex is, his assessments of Colie’s personality during his confessionals were so dead-on, I have to give him some credit. Colie: -3, Alex: 1.

But I’m taking it right back, because he goes back to her in the end! What were you thinking, Alex? I have to wonder if he’s not just saying that so Colie won’t be mad at him, but he seemed sober (probably not a safe assumption with this cast) when he said he liked her. Weird. And, of course, Colie ate it up. Colie: -3, Alex: 0.

It was a tight race, but I guess Alex won the "Who Was Less of a Freak" contest. Although, looking better than Colie isn’t exactly challenging. But I think we can all agree that the real winner this episode is Brooke, because of her comment about Adam quitting his job and her walking around in her underwear, can’t we?