Monday Night Football

This was a bizarre game for me. I feel like the score indicates this was a different game from the one I was watching: the score says the Vikings mounted 4 separate scoring drives and the Bears had 3; my eyes say neither of these offenses were capable of doing squat. If this had been a repeat of the 3 to 0 Mud Bowl between the Steelers and the Dolphins, I wouldn’t have been surprised (though I would have been surprised by any mud in this game since it was played indoors in Minnesota). But there were enough big plays, turnovers, and penalties to enable each of these teams to score, and the Minnesota Vikings scored more, leading to a 20 to 10 victory over the Chicago Bears.

1st Quarter: The Bears managed to take the lead this quarter thanks to a fortuitous interception by Brian Urlacher. The ball was jarred loose and popped right into his hands. Thanks to two false start penalties, the Bears weren’t able to move much, but did manage to get a field goal, making it 3 to 0 Bears at the end of the first quarter.

2nd Quarter: Fortunately for the Vikings, (Bears quarterback) Kyle Orton’s mustache is not worth any points. If I were keeping score, it would have been worth at least a touchdown and a two point conversion (maybe even a touchdown and a field goal). It is glorious. Not the beard. That is a little wispy, but his mustache is a force to be reckoned with. I like to imagine it hoisting a few pints at a bar with the mustaches of Keith Hernandez and John Oates, but maybe that’s just me. Actually, I guarantee that’s just me.

Orton did manage to engineer a facial hair powered drive for a touchdown (it was also helped greatly by a Nathan Vasher interception on a terrible pass from Tarvaris Jackson). Add in a field goal and the Bears managed to put up 10 points this quarter, while the Vikings got two field goals of their own, making it 13 to 6 going into the half. Again, despite the scoring, there was no real flow to the game. Neither offense really gained any momentum. The Vikings’ great rookie running back, Adrian Peterson, really didn’t do much (which is a shame because I was excited to watch him play). Neither quarterback got into any kind of consistent rhythm.

3rd Quarter: This quarter contained the game’s one exciting offensive play: a short pass and 71 yard run by the Vikings’ Robert Ferguson. He was stopped on the Bears’ 1 yard line, and Adrian Peterson ran it in for a touchdown on the next play, cutting the Bears’ lead to 13 to 12 (the Vikings missed their PAT) at the end of this quarter.

Some general observations: Tarvaris Jackson appeared rattled this game. Downright reckless at other times. Some of his throws must have had Minnesota fans covering their eyes while they were in the air. I realize he’s young, but this will definitely hurt the team if they make the playoffs. You definitely can’t do that sort of stuff when you’re playing a good defense like the Bears.

Kyle Orton is not the Bears answer at quarterback, but I think they already knew that. He seems to be collapsing under the weight of the enormous pressure that comes with having a fantastic mustache. I believe it was Spider Man who said “With great facial hair comes great responsibility.” You hate to see Orton struggle with such tremendous responsibility, but he looked like it this quarter (and most of the game, really). The Bears offense looked completely inept, lacking an effective passing and running game.

Brian Urlacher had a great game with 2 sacks and an interception. I was happy to see this. Seems like a quality guy.

4th Quarter: Thanks to a big 19 yard pass by Jackson and a few good runs by Adrian Peterson, the Vikings were able to take the lead for good, 20 to 13. The Bears did manage to make it interesting at the end as Kyle Orton managed to put together a little bit of a drive with under 3 minutes left, but it was snuffed out when he threw a sloppy deep ball that picked off by the Vikings’ Darren Sharper.

Somehow the Vikings pulled this game out despite their quarterback throwing 3 interceptions, and their star running back having a less than stellar game (though a mere mortal would have been happy to have the game he did, which included 2 touchdowns). And it kept their very real playoff hopes alive.

It also squelched the playoff hopes for a few teams, one of them being the Philadelphia Eagles, which has caused a little bit of sadness amongst my friends. Luckily they have the Philadelphia sports fan pessimism in their blood, so they’d already prepared themselves for this unhappiness. All sharp objects have been removed from their households long ago.

Folks, this will be my last MNF blog for the season. Next week is the final MNF broadcast, but I won’t be able to do it due to the Christmas Eve holiday. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading.

Please have a happy and safe holiday. And on New Years, please don’t put too much pressure on yourself to have a good time. Really. Everyone puts so much pressure on the night and it never lives up to the expectations. Excessive amounts of alcohol often seems to be a requirement for many people in their definition of a good time, and it’s not. Because there’s always one person who overdoes it (maybe it’s you) and gets sick. Or even worse, the person makes multiple drunken phone calls to exes that he/she only vaguely remembers the next day, and then you’ve got a mess on your hands. This is why breathalyzers should be installed on cell phones so they shut off when you reach a certain point.

What were we talking about? Ah yes, mustaches. Remember Lew Zealand and his Boomerang Fish from the Muppet Show? Man, he had a great mustache.

(Sorry. Had to get in one last nonsensical tangent for the year. Take care.)

For more MNF clips, visit our Online Video Guide.

Sad times in Atlanta on Monday: Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison and depicted in a courtroom sketch as wearing a cartoonish prison uniform (really? They still do the black and white stripes? Or was he wearing a throwback uniform?); Falcons owner Arthur Blank (a man who invented his very own type of stare) somehow has a five o’clock shadow only on his upper lip; and their team was ripped by the New Orleans Saints 34 to 14. The New Orleans Saints, on the other hand, looked impressive, despite the absence of star Reggie Bush (he’s out for the season), as they try to make a push for the playoffs

1st Quarter: It looked like it might be a game after this quarter. I think I’ve typed this same sentence for every Monday Night Football game this season. If the NFL won’t let ESPN have a flex schedule, allowing them to swap out awful matchups like this one, then maybe the network should shorten the game to 15 minutes? They could have 4 games on Mondays instead of 1. I’d watch that. And not just because I’d be blogging it for the website. It seems like these games fall apart after this quarter.

After several ineffective drives by both teams, the Saints finally got going with three big passing plays, ending with a beautiful pass and catch from Drew Brees to David Patten for a touchdown. I think Jaws even referenced this idea during the game, but I swear I thought this same thing: the Saints might be better off without Reggie Bush. He hasn’t done well this season, and without him in the lineup they don’t feel obligated to get him the ball a lot. Drew Brees can just drop back and throw the heck out of the ball, which is exactly what he did Monday. Similar to what the Seattle Seahawks have been able to do with Shaun Alexander.

Surprisingly the Atlanta Falcons were able to answer with a touchdown of their own on a drive led by Chris Redman. You read that right. Chris Redman. You might read that and think “Hey! Isn’t that the name of the guy who drove my son’s school bus?” And you may be right. He was out of the league for two years and has returned. This led to many comical sideline shots of backup quarterbacks Joey Harrington and Byron Leftwich, each wearing the same puzzled expression that said “He’s starting over us? And didn’t he clean my gutters once?” At the end of the first it was all tied up at 7.

2nd Quarter: If ESPN would listen to me, this would have been overtime, with a second 15 minute game coming up, but those sheep continue to broadcast 60 minute NFL games like the league mandates.

This quarter is where you got the idea the Falcons didn’t have the horses to keep up with the Saints. New Orleans managed to add a field goal and a touchdown this quarter, and Drew Brees looked impressive. I really think they’ll be in good shape if they let him throw the ball until his arm falls off. The Patriots are proving you don’t need a running game (I know. I know. They have many other weapons tom allow them to do that). I wonder if this will be the latest style of offense to sweep the league?

The star of this quarter, though, was (Atlanta Falcons owner) Arthur Blank’s mustache. It deserves its own franchise, and I’d be the first in line to buy a Georgia ‘Stache’s jersey. For those of you who did not tune in and found this battle as intriguing as a test of the emergency broadcast system, let me paint a picture: the thing consisted of 20 to 25 hairs and formed a sparse triangle on his upper lip. It was like a few hairs decided to form a cheerleading pyramid right there below his nose. I was transfixed and wished more than ever that I had an HD television.

Ah, yes. The game. It was 17 to 7 going into the half.

3rd Quarter: The Saints scored on their first drive, capped by a nice catch and twist into the end zone by Marques Colston. The Falcons threw an interception that was returned for a touchdown on their first drive. The rout was on as the score climbed to 31 to 7. I don’t mean to rub this in, but ESPN could have been on its third game at this point if they’d take my advice.

Shortly after the interception was when my friend Chris was thrown into a rage by Suzy Kolber’s purple sweater. A bright, furry purple sweater that appeared to be made of freshly shaved Grape Ape, he believed the sweater wouldn’t be justified even if they were at a Minnesota Vikings game. I think he was most angered when the image of the sweater had been burned into his television screen.

From this point on, the sideline reporters shifted into high gear with personal stories about the players to try and take viewers’ minds off of the awful game. Michele Tafoya had a lighthearted tale about Warrick Dunne meeting one of the men that killed his mother. Jeesh. How do the announcers pretend the game’s important after that?

4th Quarter: Everyone, from the announcers to the fans to the players, seemed to have conceded the game was over: the announcers were talking about Vick’s jail time; Saints players were jubilant; Falcons players appeared close to fashioning nooses for themselves; the crowd had the mood and attendance level of the gymnasium at the end of Carrie; While the Falcons were on defense, Chris Redman was in the stands working his side job as a cotton candy salesman. It was ugly.

When the game mercifully ended as a 34 to 14 New Orleans victory, the Saints looked like a quality team that might be putting a legitimate playoff run together, while the Falcons looked like a team that should be thinking carefully about who they will draft next year.

Hope to see you all next week when the Chicago Bears take on the Minnesota Vikings.

For more MNF clips, visit our Online Video Guide.

If you’re ever at a moment in your life where you’re feeling extremely unpopular, just think about the treatment Ravens coach Rex Ryan must be getting in Baltimore today. And over the next several days. This was a game the Baltimore Ravens could have (and should have) won, if not for a last second time out Ryan called to nullify a Baltimore stop of the New England Patriots on 4th and 1 late in the game. Instead Tom Brady and the Patriots took advantage of the second chance to win the game with 44 seconds left on a TD pass to Jabar Gaffney.

1st Quarter: When I see the New England Patriots, I’m reminded of their great accomplishments from seasons past, and what they’re doing this season. When I look at the Baltimore Ravens, I am reminded that I need to start watching the first season of The Wire on DVD. I’ve heard great things about it.

After this quarter, it looked like the Ravens were prepared to give the Patriots a fight, leading 7 to 3 at the end of it. But how many times have we seen teams sprint out of the gates and keep up with the Pats, only to steadily lose pace and be too winded trying to keep up by the end of it? If (one of the many from this game) Ben Watson had caught the pass at the back of the end zone, it would have been tied at the end of this quarter. I will say that Ravens QB Kyle Boller looked impressive, making some great throws just out of the reach of the coverage.

2nd Quarter: In this quarter the Patriots continued to look more human than usual (dropped passes by receivers, defensive pressure on Brady), while Boller looked more like a quality NFL quarterback than usual. The Patriots did manage to score a touchdown, while the Ravens added a field goal, leaving the score tied at 10 at the half (If Ravens safety Ed Reed doesn’t fumble that interception return, it could have been 13 to 10 at least). All indications were that this would be a good game, but there had to be a voice going off in the heads of all Raven’s fans asking “When will the real Kyle Boller rear his ugly head?”

Two random observations from the quarter:
Whoever decided to use all Led Zeppelin music going into and coming out of commercials deserves a promotion. Well done. Please work in some Physical Graffiti going forward. Thank you.

Arrows that knock people through fences. Flamethrowers that burn people. Makeup artists that eradicate Sylvester Stallone’s wrinkles. That’s right. The Rambo commercial!!! This is the first time I’m seeing one on TV. I’ve already put in for a vacation day on January 25th.

3rd Quarter: This was the quarter you started believing Baltimore had a legitimate shot at taking New England down. The Pats were just not clicking on offense thanks to great pressure on Tom Brady. Meanwhile the Ravens got a fantastic performance out of running back Willis McGahee. Watching Baltimore Monday night, you were reminded of how dangerous they could be: a solid (sometimes dominating) defense, a top running back, and a quarterback who can make some passes and not do anything dumb.

Don Shula entered the booth this quarter. He’s a guy who seemed to be 55 for his entire career: you watch his old Baltimore Colts footage through to the end of his Miami days, and he looks the same. He may have been born smoking a cigar and carrying a racing form. Like Gene Hackman. But now you can tell he’s getting up there, mainly because Dan Marino, wearing Isotoner gloves, carried him into the booth.

I made that last bit up. But you can’t make up this drama: Ravens were up 24 to 17 at the end of the quarter!

4th Quarter: A very exciting quarter with lots of ups and downs that must have killed the fans of these teams. One thing would happen, then there’d be a flag to reverse it. Or something wouldn’t happen, and a flag would save it. Or a big pass to Laurence Maroney. Or an interception by Boller (THERE’S that ugly head…).

Anyone see the movie ad for The Great Debaters? Only Denzel Washington could cause me to see a preview for a movie about debating and think “I’d go see that.” While we’re on the topic, I want to see Wallace Shawn as the lead in an action movie. He’d have a comically large gun, and every time something went wrong he could yell “Inconceivable!” I’d pay top dollar for that.

Even more bizarre than that image was the ending of this game. The Pats were driving for the go ahead score, and you had a feeling they would come back, but not this way: With under two minutes, on 3rd and 10, Brady hits Kevin Faulk for 9 yards before he inexplicably runs out of bounds, seemingly more concerned with stopping the clock (there was plenty of time and they had two timeouts left) then getting the first down. This is followed by the Rex Ryan time out that nullifies the Ravens stop, and after this comes a run that’s stopped, only to be helped by a false start call on the Pats (New England fans must have felt weird cheering for a false start on their own team). And then Brady scrambles for the first down.

After this it was obvious the Ravens defense was feeling frustrated, and eventually the Patriots, given so many second chances, did score the go ahead touchdown, giving them the win, 27 to 24.

How frustrated were the Ravens? Bart Scott was called for two Unsportsmanlike Conduct penalties, the second one when he threw the officials flag into the stands. This, along with an offsides call, led to the uncommon sight (I’ve never seen it before) of the Patriots kicking off from the Ravens 35 yard line.

Amazingly the very end was even close, as Mark Clayton caught a desperation pass from Boller and was tackled on the 2 yard line (somehow the referees completely ignored Derrick Mason clobbering every New England defender down there).

This game almost made up for last week’s debacle. Hope to see you next week for the recap of Battle of Who Could Care Less, as the New Orleans Saints visit the Atlanta Falcons.

For more MNF clips, visit our Online Video Guide.

If you sat through this entire game, odds are you no longer believe in God. Thanks to some of the ugliest weather conditions I ever remember seeing for an NFL game, this was one of the ugliest NFL games I ever remember seeing. Pop Warner was interviewed after the game and said “Jeez. That was terrible.” And he’s been dead since 1954. You figure he would have been happy just to see a game. In the end, the Pittsburgh Steelers overcame the muddy, rain soaked conditions (and the Miami Dolphins) and won, 3 to 0, on a field goal with 20 seconds left. The game was notable for reasons I wish I hadn’t witnessed: it was the first 3 to 0 game since 1993 (was I even born then?! Jeez. Oh wait. Yes I was. And drinking, too.); it was the first time in 64 years a game lasted that long without any scoring (I was not born yet). This game was hard for me to watch in more ways than one (I will elaborate).

1st Quarter: It looked like the Dolphins might upset the Steelers when ex-Steeler Joey Porter intercepted the ball on Pittsburgh’s first drive. Judging by the amount of trash talking he was doing after this, I’m going to guess he was pretty pleased with what he’d done. However he should have remembered that his team was being led by John Beck, making his second NFL career start. If you’ve never seen John Beck play, don’t worry. There’s a good chance he’ll be coming to an Arena League team near you real soon.

After that initial interception, here’s a recap of the first quarter: PUNT, PUNT, PUNT, shot of muddy field, PUNT, PUNT, splashing, PUNT.

So here is the clarification on why this game was difficult for me to watch (other than the quality of play): I am currently without cable (I am moving in a week. Let’s leave it at that) so I had to go to a local bar (I’ll call it Bar A) to watch the game. While there, I managed to draw the attention of a drunken, chatty patron who really wanted to know why I was sitting at a bar watching the game with a notebook. Rather than explain, I left and went to the Crazy Clown Bar (not the real name, but it’s a local bar with an alarming amount of clown related paraphernalia throughout. It’s alarming. Add to it the 70’s style wood paneling, as well as patrons with skin slightly rougher than 70’s style wood paneling. Now try to picture it. Are your hopes and dreams dashed? Then you’re accurately picturing this bar).

2nd Quarter: Poor Ricky Williams. He left this quarter with an injury, but it was good to see him back, even if it was only for a little while. It was his first game back in the NFL since January 1st, 2006. His career has been interrupted by substance abuse suspensions, and an early retirement from football. During his retirement he chose to wander the Earth, kind of like David Carradine with glaucoma. Ricky once referred to this retirement as the most positive thing he’s done. There’s a joke here tying in “positive” with “substance abuse suspension” but I will take the high road. It’s good to see him back. He did have some tackle breaking moments where he flashed his old skills.

A recap of this quarter: PUNT, failed fourth down attempt, FUMBLE, PUNT, Jesus weeping, PUNT, PUNT, PUNT.

So I’m at the Crazy Clown Bar and my Drunk, Chatty Friend shows up again! All drunk and chatty! So I finish up and make my way back to Bar A, all the while asking myself “Really? So much effort to see this game?” And then I answer “Self, you’re doing it for the readers.”

Going into the half, it’s scoreless. That’s right, both teams were losing to my Drunk, Chatty Friend’s blood alcohol level: 0 to 0 to 0.22.

Halftime: Has anyone caught the commercial for the new version of American Gladiators that’s coming to NBC? They aired the heck out of it during the Sunday night game. Is anyone else excited this is coming back? Is this a question I should only ask on the inside of my head? Perhaps I’ve shared too much.

3rd Quarter: Oh the mud. There’s just so much of it. This quarter was when I believed insanity was setting in for me. I feared I’d never see an NFL score again. There was one instance, late in the quarter, where Pittsburgh attempted a field goal, but it was missed badly.

The rundown for the quarter: sack and turnover on downs, PUNT, repeated questioning of my career choice, PUNT, missed field goal.

Lots of commercials for ABC’s Dirty Sexy Money and it left me thinking one thing: Donald Sutherland is a dead ringer for Kurt Vonnegut. Someone cast him in a film about the life of KV before it’s too late.

4th quarter: I made some more friends this quarter. I’m not sure how I attracted so much attention this evening: apparently being alone in the corner with a notebook is the way to do it. I was doing my best to not look creepy (no easy feat for me) when a woman at a neighboring table asked “What are you doing?” I told her, and she and her friend (not her boyfriend, but they sure did argue like they were dating) struck up a conversation with me. I think they were just relieved my answer to her question wasn’t “Quieting the voices in my head.” He has an idea for a site strictly dedicated to all things lunch. Who doesn’t like lunch (I like to call it “Adult Recess”)? Sounded pretty brilliant to me.

What also sounded brilliant to me was “no overtime” but I thought it was unavoidable. I started wondering what I’d write about if it was a scoreless tie. But miraculously, at the end, the Steelers and Ben Roethlisberger put together a drive that reached the Miami 6 yard line, leading to the game winning field goal.

Fans, I hope you didn’t watch all of this game. If you did and you’re reading this, you’re angry at the world. If you didn’t and you’re reading this, you have no clear idea of what happened in this game, only that I hopped from bar to bar and met a variety of people. And you know what? It’s probably best you don’t know what happened in this game. I’m here to take the bullet for you. Just know the Steelers defeated the Dolphins 3 to 0. And if your friends try to make small talk with you about the game, simply fake it by saying “PUNT, PUNT, muddy, PUNT, Ricky Williams, Steelers!” If that doesn’t fool them, then they're probably not your real friends.

Take care everyone!

For more MNF clips, visit our Online Video Guide.

This week’s matchup was all about the young quarterbacks as the Tennessee Titans and Vince Young visited Jay Cutler’s Denver Broncos. It was a pretty entertaining battle as both quarterbacks played well (though Vince did fall apart a little at the end as he tried to muster a comeback) and displayed the talents that should be tormenting opposing AFC teams for years. In the end, Cutler and the home team came out on top thanks to an unexpected amount of big plays, leading to a 34-20 victory.

A request for ESPN: Please don’t do any more "skits" at the start of the game. This week’s was terrible. A blatant promo for the movie Hitman, it featured exploding footballs and paper jersey targets. I kept hoping the supply of footballs would go off early in his hand, but to no avail. Hank Williams Jr. does his best to get me ready for some football before every game, but then I see these skits and I’m not ready for football anymore. The game started and I realized I was wearing a baseball jersey and ice skates and holding a cricket bat. Completely unprepared.

First quarter: This quarter went a long way towards setting the tone for the Broncos as they scored two quick touchdowns on two big plays. The first came on an 80-yard drive that only took a little over three minutes, and culminated in a nice scramble by Cutler to hit Brandon Stokely for the score. The second came on a 79-yard punt return by Glenn Martinez, the team's first punt return for a touchdown in four years.

On the other side of the ball, the Titans managed to look as good as you can without actually scoring a touchdown, with Vince Young doing his usual shtick: running around and frustrating the defense.

Second quarter: An eventful quarter.

Right off the bat, the Titans are able to finally find the end zone when Young finds Brandon Jones for a touchdown. However, the Broncos are able to answer the score with one of their own, albeit only a field goal (and a scoring drive greatly helped by a pass interference call), making the score 17-7.

Suddenly things got serious. Michelle Tafoya reported that Vince Young is dealing with letting his father, who was recently released from prison, back into his life. Apparently he has been in jail five different times, and as a result, was never around for Vince when he was growing up and learning the game of football. This led to a lengthy discussion among the announcers about what it must be like to deal with this and try to do your job. They also mentioned repeatedly how he shared this on his own, unprompted, and how rare it is for a player to do this. Here’s why it’s rare: Because if you do, Michelle Tafoya will be reporting it to the entire country. Man. I hope Vince doesn’t regret sharing that in the future.

On the bright side, Titans running back LenDale White grew up in Denver and because this was his first game back, he gave out a large number of tickets to friends and family. Unfortunately, they got to see him fumble the ball this quarter.

Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall impressed me in the second quarter. He’s a good blocker (taking out a big defensive end on one play), and he made a smart play on an end around run by faking a pass to freeze the defender and allow himself to get a few extra yards.

At the end of the half, Broncos coach Mike Shanahan called a time-out to freeze the kicker and it backfired on him. I’m a big fan of Shanahan, but it annoys the heck out of me when he does this at the last second to throw him off. I was kind of glad to see that this time Rod Bironas missed the kick that didn't count but made the one that did. Even more impressive was that it was 56 yards long (and was a line drive that could have gone another 10 yards), and it allowed the Titans to go into the half only down by two scores, 20-10.

Third quarter: The Broncos came through with another big play this quarter, this time a long touchdown pass to Brandon Marshall, who shrugged off the much smaller safety and sprinted into the end zone.

The Titans managed to answer back with a touchdown of their own, set up by a Bronco turnover.

At the end of the quarter, the Broncos still held a two-score lead, but it appeared to be in jeopardy as the Titans didn’t seem to have much trouble moving the ball. Even thinking back on it now, I’m not sure how the Titans were able to look so good on offense but still be down. They even held a 2-1 advantage for time of possession (because of all the quick scored by Denver). Though this did appear to be wearing on the Bronco defense, Tennessee still trailed 27-17 at the end of this quarter.

Fourth quarter: Normally solid in crunch time, this quarter is where the wheels came off for Vince Young.

Once again the Broncos get a big play, this time from their running back Andre Hall, who took it up the middle, shed a tackle, then seemed to kick into another gear, outrunning the defense for a 62-yard score.

The chances for a Tennessee comeback were killed by Vince Young throwing two interceptions on two straight possessions. The first was due to a good play by Denver cornerback Dre' Bly, but the second was just a bad pass. A floater over the middle that didn’t float enough. Ball game over. The Broncos won 34-20. Somehow, despite having a .500 record and not looking good for much of the year, this win leaves the Denver Broncos tied with the Chargers for first place in the division. Ah, parity!

Next week’s game should be a blogging bonanza for me: the Miami Dolphins take on the Pittsburgh Steelers, and it may also be the premiere of Ricky Williams this season. Between making fun of how bad the Dolphins are and how much marijuana Ricky Williams has smoked, I’m getting giddy just thinking about it.

Until then, everyone please have a great Thanksgiving holiday.

For more MNF clips, visit our Online Video Guide.

The Seattle Seahawks defeated the San Francisco 49ers convincingly on Monday night, 24-0, thanks to a more-aggressive-than-usual offense and a defense that didn’t give 49er QB Alex Smith much time to get comfortable. I am one of a handful of Americans who has never seen any of the Saw films, but I believe the viewing experience is very similar to watching the San Francisco 49ers offense try to move the ball. Though 24-0 is a pretty convincing win, it shouldn’t even have been that close. Seattle looked much better and even lost two field goals due to holding penalties. By my count, at the end of the game, the score should have been 30 to -14.

First quarter: Keep in mind that the Seahawks managed to look much better than the 49ers despite missing two of their best players, Deion Branch and Shaun Alexander (though his absence may have been a blessing. Trust me. Shaun is on my fantasy football team). I thought the main reason was that they decided they were going to come out and pass as much as possible to keep the 49ers defense on its heels. That’s exactly what it did, leading to a score on its first drive.

By the end of this quarter, the Seahawks were up 10-0.

Just to get this out of the way for any 49ers fans reading this: I will try to keep discussion of the San Francisco offense to a minimum. As a result, it should be a little less painful to read. It also makes it a little less painful for me to write this, because there was absolutely nothing good to write about. Aside from the first play of the game, where they tried an aggressive play action bomb, the rest was a mess. And yes, it’s not a good sign when an incomplete passing attempt is the best thing you see.

Other scary things from this quarter: seeing my first Christmas/holiday commercial already (thanks, Heineken! Now you’ve got me paranoid about buying gifts), and seeing the Seattle fans. Regarding the latter, didn’t an inordinate amount of them look Tom Cruise as Ron Kovic? And did anyone enjoy the fan who did a twist on the usual "defense" sign (a "D" in one hand and a picket fence in the other), carrying a "Seafense" sign ("Seahawk insignia" plus the fence)? What the heck is Seafense? I don’t know, but this guy was holding it and it was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen.

Second quarter: This is the quarter where the Seahawks lost out on two field goals due to holding penalties. They did manage to score a touchdown on a nice drive that was wrapped up by a fine Maurice Morris run for the score (I don’t think the Seahawks are necessarily worse off with Alexander on the bench. I’m just saying is all).

The 49ers meanwhile continued to look completely lost on offense. There was a telling play in this quarter that Ron Jaworski and Tony Kornheiser did a nice job of pointing out: With San Francisco in a bad spot, third down and in their own end zone, they call a trick play where Alex Smith lined up as a wide receiver, and wide receiver Arnaz Battle lined up to receive the snap and run the ball. I believe they call this the Statue of Indignity play. Is it a good sign that in a dire situation like that, not only do they not have their best running back, Frank Gore, on the field, but they also decide that it would be best if their starting quarterback wasn’t involved in the play? Seemed like a cry for help to me.

Highlight of this quarter: the referee mistakenly throwing the penalty flag, forcing him to sheepishly announce, in front of the crowd and the TV audience, "There was no penalty on the play. I accidentally threw the flag instead of my bean bag."

At the half, the Seahawks were leading 17-0. If you looked closely, you also saw Seattle coach Mike Holmgren switch into his favorite drawstring pants and grab a beach chair.

Halftime: I turned the channel as soon as they said "Coming up, an interview with NASCAR’s Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon." It was a blank premium channel my cable system had blocked, but I still enjoyed it more than that interview. I’m fairly certain of this.

Third quarter: Apparently the Seahawks decided even they were bored with the game and wanted to make it interesting, turning the ball over on their first two possessions. The 49ers, being polite guests in Seattle, decided not to take advantage, turning them into 0 points.

The Seahawks defense was especially impressive stopping the 49ers on a 4th and 1 near the goal line, with defensive tackle Rocky Bernard almost single-handedly stopping Frank Gore from getting the necessary yard.

Heineken just showed an Easter-themed commercial (just kidding).

I just learned today that CBS plans to show three consecutive episodes of The Price Is Right on Thanksgiving Day, and I was extremely excited. I was all set to watch them in a cranberry haze and flash back to the days when I’d play hooky from school. Then Drew Carey came in to the booth and all my excitement dissipated. Instead, watching the complete lack of chemistry between these four had me flashing back to some of the worst lunch tables I ever sat at.

Drew was there to promote the new Major League Soccer team coming to Seattle, of which he is part owner. He thought the most interesting thing was his idea that every four years, fans would get to vote on the team’s general manager. I thought the most interesting (funniest, really) thing was that the MLS is adding new franchises. Really?! Shouldn’t that league be saving its money for the day the owners collectively realize "Wait a minute. Nobody cares about soccer in this country!" Though I always pictured the MLS vaults holding a $20 bill, an old valet parking ticket and a Wendy’s "free Frosty" coupon. Good luck, Drew!

Oh yeah, football. No one scored in this quarter, but soon into the next one….

Fourth quarter: Matt Hasselbeck makes a beautiful throw to D.J. Hackett in the end zone, just out of reach of two 49ers defenders. The score is 24-0 (and if you paid close attention to earlier in this blog, that’s the last score I’ll be writing about).

Steve Young came into the booth, and I always like when he visits. He knows his stuff and he’s not annoying about it. Calm. Well spoken. He and Jaws got into a good discussion about Alex Smith and whether he should have been a No. 1 draft pick. They both discussed how they, as former quarterbacks, can just tell whether or not someone has what it takes. Just by looking them in the eyes. They also talked about how a lot of the scouts advising teams on which players to draft really have no idea what they’re doing. It was an interesting discussion between two people that know the game, and it was sorely needed for a completely lackluster final quarter.

Wrapping up with a few final thoughts:
• Regarding the DLP commercials featuring the "It’s the Mirrors" girl: So you’re fishing, and a little girl with a glowing box and an elephant comes up to you. This doesn’t scare the crap out of them? The fishermen seem OK with this.
• Regarding Michelle Tafoya’s interview with Mack Strong: It’s the first time I’ve seen an interview with him, but I’m going on record and saying he appears to be the toughest man I’ve ever seen. I was afraid Michelle Tafoya was going to be eaten. I like him.
• Regarding end-of-the-game coaching etiquette: If you’re a fan of a team, it’s a bad sign when the opposing coach doesn’t even have his headset on. Mike Holmgren had his off at the end, and he was two minutes away from slipping into a bathrobe and slippers.

For Seattle, we’ll see if this win puts them on a little bit of a streak and they start playing at the high level many people feel they’re capable of. For San Francisco, we’ll see if Drew Carey has any job openings with his soccer team.

See you next week, folks.

For more MNF clips, visit our Online Video Guide.

The Pittsburgh Steelers dominated the Baltimore Ravens Monday night, defeating them easily by a score of 38-7. And it wasn’t even that close. It was akin to watching a car tire take on a squirrel. The Ravens offense looked completely inept, and their quarterback, Steve McNair, looked totally surprised to be running an NFL offense. I understand he had been out with an injury, but if you told me he had just come out of a coma with amnesia and they informed him he was an NFL quarterback 15 minutes before game time, I would have said, "Ah. That makes sense." On a night the Steelers celebrated their 75th anniversary as a franchise by trotting out an impressive collection of franchise (not to mention NFL) legends, it appeared the Ravens were helping to plan a party for them, providing gift after turnover gift in the first half.

First quarter: Did anyone see Ray Lewis’ pregame ritual? Dancing in the end zone. Eyes bugged. Leading an imaginary orchestra. Getting in the faces of a teammate and yelling (and you know the teammate is thinking "OK, Mr. Lewis. Whatever you say. Just stop with the noise. And all that spitting.") I know he does this all the time to get fired up before a game, but it still fascinates me every time I see it.

Here’s reason No. 241 to build a time machine: Transport 1974 Evel Knievel to the present, then have him walk up to Ray Lewis during warm-ups and say, "You wanna take it down a notch, Raymond?" I guarantee you he makes the Snake River Canyon jump with Ray Lewis after him.

The weather was a mess at the start of this game. Steady sheets of rain coming down and a strong wind to keep it in everyone’s face. The Baltimore Ravens were amazingly sloppy throughout this first quarter, effectively ending their chance to make this a competitive matchup very early. Yes, you can attribute the sloppiness to the weather, but the here’s the thing: It didn’t seem to affect the Steelers. The Ravens fumbled the ball three times this quarter, and the Steelers turned every one of them into a touchdown. Ben Roethlisberger (Note: I am referring to him as Berger for the remainder of the blog. It’s late.) made an impressive play on the first touchdown, escaping a sure sack to roll out and find Heath Miller in the end zone for the score. By the end of the quarter it was 14-0.

Second quarter: On the second play of the quarter, the Steelers score again (thanks to a turnover), and the score is 21-0. I thought I saw Ravens coach Brian Billick calling to see if they could get an earlier flight back to Baltimore. Perhaps the weather ruined that chance, so unfortunately they stayed for the whole game.

The Steelers went on to add 14 more points to reach 35 for the half. Berger and the Steelers have to be given credit for taking full advantage of the Baltimore miscues. And I can’t really fault the Ravens defense, despite giving up five touchdowns in the half, because their offense kept giving the ball to the Steelers in prime scoring positions.

With Berger throwing five scores before the half, the announcers began to talk about his struggle to recover from his motorcycle accident before the start of last season. I now see Mike Turico and the gang have gone into "human-interest story" mode to counteract the fact that this is an ugly 35-7 slaughter by the Steelers going into the half.

Halftime: Some of the legendary Pittsburgh players are out on the field as part of the 75th-anniversary celebration. It makes me think of two things: 1) The Steelers have had a frightening number of great players throughout the years, and 2) there is nothing more unflattering on a middle-aged man who has let himself go than an NFL jersey. My buddy Chris put it best: "Why are they wearing muumuus?"

I thought the story about Mean Joe Green was the saddest. The Steelers legend owns nothing and lives in a house made completely of Coke bottles. Apparently ever since the famous Coke ad, children repeatedly suckered him into giving away all of his possessions in exchange for the beverage. OK, I made this up.

Third quarter: You know, the first half didn’t seem at all exciting to me. And then I saw the second half and found myself reminiscing about the high drama of the first half. This game systematically lowered my standards for quality football.

The good news for Ravens fans is that the offense committed no turnovers this quarter. The bad news is the entire country got to know your punter, Sam Koch, exceedingly well. The Baltimore offense continued to be exceedingly conservative considering they were down by four touchdowns. No passes down the field. Simply one short pass attempt after another. It was as if somehow McNair got confused during his amnesia recovery and thought he had seven downs instead of four.

The highlight of the quarter was an interview with the great Steelers cornerback Mel Blount. He comes right out and calls the Ravens "pathetic." While wearing a cowboy hat. Now that’s a smackdown. Going into the fourth, with my will to live dwindling, it’s 38-7 Steelers.

Fourth quarter: The game got even uglier. Charlie Batch entered the game to replace Berger after he had an injury scare. Kyle Boller replaced Steve McNair, tiptoeing his way on to the field so as not to wake him. It was officially garbage time.

On top of that, tempers were flaring. These teams don’t like each other, and it seemed like a little scuffle broke out after each play. Do you think we’ve gotten to the point where a player might pull out a gun on the field and shoot an opposing player in the kneecap, like in The Last Boy Scout? I think now that Tank Johnson has been reinstated, it’s more likely than ever (Alright. That was too easy).

Nothing at all happened this quarter. I could go on about how much I’m disturbed by the medicine commercial that depicts mucus as an evil cowboy coming to threaten your town, but I’m going to wrap it up instead. The Ravens’ offense looked bad, consistently putting their defense in rough spots early on. The Steelers offense was impressively efficient, and their defense put great pressure on McNair (with linebacker James Harrison having an amazing game). I think they can give the Patriots a game when they meet in a few weeks.

Next week’s game is exactly why the NFL needs to let ESPN take part in the flex schedule as the San Francisco 49ers take on the Seattle Seahawks (yikes). See you then!

For more MNF clips, visit our Online Video Guide.

Somehow this game went into overtime yet managed to be lacking in the excitement department. I blame the referees. In the fourth quarter, when the announcers mentioned the 20th flag of the game had been thrown, I realized what the problem was: too many penalties! I was just relieved the way I was feeling was due to boredom and not a stroke.

So I watched this game with my friends Mark, Jesse and Chris. Mark is a die-hard Broncos fan and owns a Broncos wastebasket. Jesse and Chris are diehard Eagles fans. Jesse was most enthralled by the amount of butt kissing ESPN was doing for Brett Favre. I am no longer surprised by this as Favre has become the darling of the media. Meanwhile Chris was only thinking of his fantasy football team at this point. And so the game began: a team surprisingly on the rise (Packers) against a team surprisingly on the decline (Broncos). In the end, the Green Bay Packers won the game in OT 19-13 on a quick strike from Favre to Greg Jennings, adding to his Monday Night Football legend.

First quarter: Brady Poppinga, the Packers' outside linebacker and BYU graduate, is introduced as the Stormin' Mormon. Isn't that how all Mormons are introduced in sports? I thought the Baltimore Ravens' Todd Heap was the true Stormin' Mormon. Little-known fact: Former No. 1 NBA pick (and current Mormon) Shawn Bradley, a man who never lived up to that lofty draft status and is now out of the league, is known as the "Stormin' Doorman" at his current job at a Hilton Hotel. Actually, I don't know that for sure.

The teams were even at 7 by the end of this quarter, but they didn't have to be. The Broncos had a nice, steady 10-play drive that led to a TD, while the Packers went with the big strike and hit James Jones for a 79-yard touchdown. The Broncos could have taken the lead as they drove the ball all the way down to the 2-yard line (the drive featured a nice Selvin Young screen pass), but...

Second quarter: Quarterback Jay Cutler had a bad fumble of the snap that led to a turnover. Suddenly the room smelled like my buddy Mark's tears.

The rest of the quarter was all Packers. While the Broncos offense stalled on its two drives, going three and out, the Packers put together two long and impressive drives that resulted in field goals. Their second impressive drive could have led to a touchdown had it not been derailed by penalties.

This was the quarter where penalties became an overriding theme for the game and it prevented the action from ever really getting a flow to it.

Something else that didn't have a flow to it was the conversation between the analysts and Deanna Favre. The worst part was that it appeared Tony Kornheiser was flirting (shiver). When the Favre wedding pictures were being shown, Mark let out a pained yelp. Then he proceeded to compare them to his own wedding pictures. Jesse continued to keep a running tally of Favre "tributes." Chris continued to need big plays from the Broncos' Brandon Marshall or the Packers' Greg Jennings for a fantasy football win this week. The Packers led 13-7 going into halftime.

Third quarter: Similar to my time growing up in southern New Jersey, this quarter was slow, boring and full of mistakes. The penalties continued to pile up and not much happened as the only drive of consequence was by Denver, and it resulted in a field goal. Also like my New Jersey childhood, it's best if we just put this all behind us. (Ah, Jersey jokes.)

Fourth quarter: Vince Vaughn in the booth! Big fan of his, and I thought he was entertaining when he had a chance to talk. Unfortunately, I don't think he had enough opportunities to contribute. But I may not be the right person to ask as I would have been fine if they'd let him call the game by himself.

Most impressive moment of the game: the calm and speed with which Jason Elam and the Broncos kicking team got in place to kick the game-tying field goal. I remember the clock being around 10 or 11 seconds when they were rushing on to the field, and they kicked it with 3 seconds left. That's got to be some sort of record, right?

Mark was happy and proceeded to dance. Jesse and Chris made fun of him. I may have said one or two hurtful things as well.

The game was tied at 13 and we braced ourselves for overtime.

Overtime: And that didn't take long. If there's one thing you can say about Brett Favre (according to ESPN, there's not one thing. There are many, many things to say. Repeatedly. Did you know he was 38 years old?), he can make the big play. On the first play, Favre hit wide receiver Greg Jennings for an 82-yard bomb to win the game, 19-13.

This caused Chris to dance around. Jennings is on his fantasy football team, and with the play, he won for the week. Jesse made fun of him. I definitely said one hurtful thing. Maybe two. And I think Mark wept a little.

The win allowed the Packers to remain a game ahead of the Detroit Lions (Wait. The Lions are 5 and 2?! When did that happen?), while the Broncos slipped below .500 and looked like a young team that needs more experience before it can worry about the playoffs (they will be good, just maybe not this year). The exciting ending almost made up for the sloppy game. Actually, it was less of a game than a Favre tribute interrupted by shots of referees addressing the crowd, with the occasional football play mixed in.

For more MNF clips, visit our Online Video Guide.

The talk before this game was that the undefeated Indianapolis Colts were getting ignored due to the unbelievable season Tom Brady and the New England Patriots are having. They had something to prove and would come out firing against the Jacksonville Jaguars, laying waste to them and reminding everyone that, as defending champions, they are still the team to beat in the NFL. And I bought in to this storyline as well because I was thinking the same thing (I swear. I came to this conclusion on my own without pressure from the media. Really.).

What happened on Monday night was odd: It was a calm, methodical demolishing. The steady jackhammer of Peyton Manning’s quick decisions and accurate, short passes, rather than the explosive bombs of Brady to Randy Moss and the rest of their speedy receivers. The Colts just kept coming and putting up points, while the Jaguars spent the entire night struggling to keep up, leading to a 29-7 Indianapolis victory.

Notice how frequently I’ve mentioned the Patriots even though the game was in Jacksonville? Even though the schedule said they were playing the Jaguars, you got the feeling throughout the game that the Colts were really playing against the Patriots for NFL supremacy.

First quarter: A slow first quarter. It quickly became apparent that the Colts would not be bursting out of the gates with an awesome display of offensive skill. For the Jaguars, a team with a strong running game, it appeared they were trying to create confusion by unexpectedly passing more than normal. And if part of this tactic was to have their offense look inept and unproductive, then yes, consider me befuddled. By the end of the quarter, the Colts did put together a nice 11-play, 5-minute drive for a touchdown that puts them ahead 7-0.

Second quarter: In this quarter we got a taste of why NFL Europe did not survive. After an injury to Jaguars starting quarterback David Garrard, his backup (and starter for the World Bowl-winning Frankfurt Galaxy) Quinn Gray entered. On his second pass attempt, he threw an interception. Garrard tried to return in the quarter but was unable to continue. As a result, their offense continued to stall. The Colts, meanwhile, get on a roll. Their first drive results in a touchdown, and their next one nets a field goal (this was their third consecutive scoring drive of 11 plays), making it 17-0 going into the half.

This is part of the beauty of the Colts: They don’t need to hit you with a big right cross, they can just wear you down with the jab. Also, I’m going to try to see how many bad metaphors I can use in this blog. I’ve already done the demolition comparison, and now the boxing one. I can keep this going.

Third quarter: Someone reminded the Jaguars at the half that the strong point of their team is running the ball, not passing. To make up for lost time, Jacksonville calls 10 straight running plays and scores their first touchdown of the game. Sometimes football is just that simple. I also think they were encouraged to use this strategy because backup quarterback Quinn is a disaster when he throws (sorry, Frankfurt fans).

Quick quiz: Rabbitohs are a) a cereal you always wanted as a child but your parents never let you have because of the sugar, b) fun yet informative rabbit facts included in the monthly National Rabbit Council Newsletter, or c) the name of the National Rugby League team Russell Crowe owns? If you didn’t guess C, it means you missed Russell Crowe’s third-quarter booth appearance and that you’re a very gullible person.

I have to say Russell’s appearance was disappointing. He was there to promote a game the Rabbitoh’s will be playing in the United States, as well as his upcoming movie. He appeared to be sober, polite and intelligent, none of which I was expecting (much less all three).

Meanwhile the Colts were quiet offensively, but their defense managed to score on a safety, sacking our friend Quinn Gray. I hear they didn’t have end zones in NFL Europe and the scoring system was based on politeness, so we really can’t blame him for getting tackled in his own end zone. This made the score 19-7 at the end of the quarter. Even without their offense, the Colts managed to score points. See, the Colts are like a rabbit that nibbles you alive, rather than a lion that will finish you in one bite.

Fourth quarter: I believe the NFL used this quarter to experiment with 25-minute quarters. I have no proof, but it sure felt that way.

This game was never in doubt in the final quarter. The announcers spent the entire time debating whether the Colts or Patriots are better, and whether Manning or Brady is the better quarterback (and that is such a senseless argument right now, but it passes the time at ESPN, I guess). Quinn Gray was walking around the field cursing in German at his teammates (OK. I made that up).

The Colts managed to put up another 10 points in the quarter, making the final score 29-7. This matchup was supposed to be the chance for the Jaguars to prove they have a legitimate shot at winning the division, but instead this game reinforced everyone’s belief that it's for the Colts to take. With more consistency than flash, the Colts kept the Jaguars from ever really feeling like they had a chance (this was definitely helped by the loss of Garrard).

While the Patriots offense is like getting hit by a Hummer, the Colts offense is like getting hit by several magnificent Festivas. Meanwhile, the Jaguars offense is like getting hit by a man on a Segway. Had to throw one last one in to run the joke into the ground.

Hope to see you next week when Green Bay visits Denver (early kickoff time: 8:05 pm).

For more MNF clips, visit our Online Video Guide.

Please stop reading this blog. There is no way I can write about Monday’s matchup between the Giants and the Falcons and make it seem interesting. You know what? I’m not even going to try. I’m going to stop right here, and if you really need to know, go read the recap on the NFL’s website.

OK. I’m back. After talking it over with upper management, they explained how much the company needs me to help all of you find your way through the vast jungle of entertainment and provide television guidance. There were other threats made to me that I am not allowed to detail here. I will now attempt to write an interesting recount of the New York Giants’ 31-10 victory over the Atlanta Falcons.

First quarter: I did attempt to liven things up for myself by going out to watch this game with my good friends Mark and Jesse. Their main job was to make sure I stayed awake, and for the most part, they did a fine job.

After this quarter, hopes were high that this might be an unexpectedly good game, similar to last week’s matchup between the Cowboys and the Bills. The offense for each team looked solid. Eli Manning had a great start, leading the Giants on two good drives that resulted in touchdowns. You’re never sure which Eli will show up for a game: the one worthy of being a No. 1 overall pick in the 2004 draft or the one who is better suited to being a bus boy at a Shoney’s in Louisiana. You never know. For the Falcons, Joey Harrington looked good as well.

Hold on. Let me look over that last sentence again. Yep, the words make sense individually, but not when I put them in that order.

But Joey really did look like a professional quarterback that quarter. Helped by a beautiful 67-yard Jerious Norwood run, the Giants only led the Falcons 14-10.

Second quarter: In this quarter, events reverted to form as the Falcons offense did nothing but sputter while the Giants’ Manning continued to look sharp.

Joey Harrington. His birth certificate presumably says Joseph, so he could go with that. Or simply Joe, which worked for some other great quarterbacks (see Namath and Montana). But he chose Joey. And why not? Fatone. Lawrence. Bishop. Heatherton. A failed sitcom. And in this quarter he looked like a Joey, going 1 for 7 and failing to generate any kind of momentum.

Eli, on the other hand, was able to make the New York offense look competent. The highlight was his 43-yard touchdown pass to Plaxico Burress. Had it not been for a couple of miscues (a Manning sack resulting in a fumble, and an interception), they could have scored more. And I wasn’t imagining this competency because the ESPN statisticians showed that his 208 passing yards in the first half was a career high. So there. And he had his team leading 21-10 at the half.

Third quarter: In addition to a good passing night from Eli, the Giants were getting good production from their running backs Reuben Droughns and Brandon Jacobs. Each ended up with close to 100 yards rushing and proved that aside from an inability to stop the pass and the run, the Falcons have a quality defense.

No points were scored this quarter, and it went a long way towards damaging my friends’ spirits. Mark, a diehard Broncos fan, was fading and distracted. Every time he saw me write down a note about the game, he’d ask "Are you writing this down?" Eventually I stopped answering, and eventually he had to leave so he could get to bed at a decent hour. Jesse, a diehard Eagles fan (but not in a "snowball at Santa/cheer Michael Irvin’s injury" sort of way), hates the Giants, and stuck it out with me to the end in hopes that they would lose. At this point, he angrily reflected on a Michael Strahan sack from earlier and asked, "How come no one ever mentions how Brett Favre took a dive for Strahan so he could get the sack record?" Reflecting on sins involving New York players that were committed six years ago is exactly what Philadelphia fans do.

Did I mention the score? Oh yeah. Same as it was at halftime. The Giants were still leading the Falcons, 21-10.

Fourth quarter: Starting at the end of the third and running over into the fourth quarter, New York puts together a nice mix of pass and run plays that results in a field goal. It’s a 13 play drive that lasts a shade under eight minutes. I’d say this drive took the wind out of Atlanta’s sails, but that implies they have sails. At best, for a brief moment, they may have had a bed sheet tied to a stick, but I don’t think that makes them seaworthy.

Instead of answering this score, the Atlanta Falcons proceeded to have two consecutive "three and out" drives. At this point the team could paint eyes on a bucket, put it on a stick, and replace Joey Harrington with it, and the team’s offense would only be slightly less effective.

The nail in the Falcons’ coffin was the Giants’ last touchdown to extend their lead 31-10. The big play was a 45-yard run by Droughns. Even the Atlanta fans weren’t having a good showing. Upon seeing a shot of a Falcons fan with his jersey completely tucked into his pants, Jesse pointed out "Oh man. The tuck. You just can’t do that." And he’s right. You should never have your jersey tucked in unless you’re an actual player.

And that’s that. I think it’s best if we just put this game behind us and look forward to next week’s game as the Indianapolis Colts take on the Jacksonville Jaguars. It is an intriguing matchup that is, surprisingly, for first place in their division. Plus it’s always fun to watch Peyton Manning take a break from his commercial career to play some football. Hope to see you all next week.

For more MNF clips, visit our Online Video Guide.

I’m going to be honest with all of you: I have no idea what to write for this blog. It’s because I’m not quite sure what I just witnessed. I can tell you it was the most exciting game I’ve seen in a long time, but it wasn’t just that. It was sloppy. It was well played. It was surprising. And yet the outcome was totally expected.

My original idea was to take the angle that this was the Buffalo Bills’ chance to avenge the two straight (and huge) Super Bowl defeats they suffered at the hands of the Dallas Cowboys in the first half of the 1990s. I thought I had to take a joke angle because that’s exactly what this game was supposed to be: a joke. The Cowboys came in undefeated and looking like legitimate Super Bowl contenders for this season, while the Bills came limping in with only one victory on the year and little hope of getting many more. Seeing Thurman Thomas and Jim Kelly on the sideline, coupled with the fact that the Bills haven’t appeared on Monday Night Football in 13 years, makes you realize how far the team has fallen since its glory days and four straight Super Bowl appearances. Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo threw five interceptions and fumbled once, yet the Bills devised a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory thanks to a 53-yard field goal from rookie kicker Nick Folk (cue the "Folk Hero!" headlines in Dallas). OK. Enough of the throat clearing. I have stretched thoroughly and will now attempt to recap this game. Buckle up.

First quarter: The ugliness started promptly for the Cowboys as Romo’s first pass attempt of the game was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. Tony did not seem convinced that the Bills players were really out there to hurt him, and as a result, his second pass attempt of the game was intercepted, too. In times like these, you realize how important it is for a quarterback to have an Etch A Sketch memory. Just shake and make it go away. Unfortunately Romo was more like the guy from Memento on this night, and he needed a Polaroid of the Bills defense with "Do not believe their lies" written on the back.

How did the Bills offense look? Well, they were prompt. There were 11 of them before every play. They also looked great in their throwback jerseys. Listen, when your punter is the star thanks to a fake punt, you’re having some problems. They were lucky to be up 7-0 at the end of the quarter.

Second quarter: It appeared things were returning to normal as Dallas put together a nice touchdown drive and made it look easy. Then Buffalo surprisingly had a drive of their own, a nice lengthy one that resulted in a field goal. I took this as a good sign that it might be a competitive game after all (I had no idea how right I was about this).

And then suddenly the Cowboys were stuck in the sequel to Groundhog Day. Romo’s pass was deflected and caught in the end zone by a Bills defender for a touchdown. Then on their next drive, he threw another interception (look at your Polaroid, Memento Boy!). At this point I was prepared for anything. If Tony Romo had suddenly started digging a hole at the 50-yard line, this would have made perfect sense.

Meanwhile the Bills offense continued to mostly struggle. Thanks to a last-second Cowboys field goal before the half, the Bills were only ahead by one touchdown, 17-10, despite benefiting from so many turnovers.

Halftime with Chris Berman: Didn’t see it. Instead I walked around and made sound effects in honor of him while I grabbed a beer from the refrigerator. Whoop! Glug glug!

Third quarter: Rumors that Tony Romo received a Blanket Party like Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket are not true, but it was odd that he came out and led his team to a field goal on the first drive of the half.

Once again the Buffalo Bills were able to score a touchdown without the help of their offense, this time on a kickoff return. It’s as if the rest of the team was looking at the offense and saying, "No, guys. Just stay on the sidelines, where you can’t screw anything up, and look pretty." Other than that it was a pretty quiet quarter that ended with the Buffalo Bills leading 24-13. Though Dallas was driving….

Fourth quarter: And scoring a field goal seconds into this quarter, making it 24-16.

Here’s some trivia: Who did the coin toss for the last Super Bowl meeting between these teams? Joe Namath (Insert Suzy Kolber joke here). The year before that when they met the first time? O.J. Simpson (Insert so many jokes here). It’s like the Super Bowl coin toss is the gateway to controversy. Do you know who did it the year before that? That’s right. The soon to be fertilized egg that would become Lindsay Lohan. That’s a lie. Eggs don’t have thumbs.

What made this quarter so exciting wasn’t the two additional Tony Romo turnovers (the act is old, Tony. Get new shtick). It was the number of roller-coaster moments that would have given me a stroke if I had any emotional investment in either of these teams. I’ll demonstrate:
The Cowboys score a touchdown to pull within two points (Yay Cowboys!).
The Bills’ Jabari Greer strips the ball from Terrell Owens to prevent the game-tying 2-point conversion (Go Bills!).

The Cowboys do an onside kick and recover it. (Yes, Cowboys!)

It’s challenged and the call is upheld (Whew, Cowboys!)

Romo completes a long pass to Owens to set up an easy game-winning field goal. (I love the Cowboys!) The catch is reviewed and ruled incomplete. (Oh for god’s sake, someone win this game!)
Romo can only get them close enough for a really long field goal. (I wish my heart wasn’t beating so erratically, Cowboys or Bills!)
Rookie Nick Folk kicks the longest field goal of his life to win it. (I love you again, Cowboys!)
It didn’t count because the Bills coach called time-out. (I love you like my heart pills, Bills!)
Folk kicks it again. (Ambulance!)

What a game. Can’t believe the Cowboys pulled it out, and that the Bills couldn’t hang on. And so many shots of unhappy and shell-shocked Buffalo fans in the stands. I felt so bad for them.

But feel bad for me. Next week’s game is a stinker as the New York Giants visit the Atlanta Falcons. Don’t even bother watching. Just read my blog. I’ve already begun working on the inappropriate dog-fighting jokes. Hope to see you next week.

For more MNF clips, visit our Online Video Guide.

A cliché you hear about great teams is they make winning look easy, and that is exactly what runs through your head when you watch the New England Patriots play. Whoever is in charge of laundry for them can probably get away with not washing their uniforms this week because it didn’t look like they worked up much of a sweat. The Patriots had little trouble defeating the Cincinnati Bengals on Monday night 34 to 13, scoring on six of ten drives (two of the scoreless drives were the Patriots killing the clock at the end of each half) and limiting the potent Bengals offense to only 13 points. Cincinnati was able to move the ball fairly consistently, but couldn’t get in the end zone more than once due to penalties and turnovers. A quiet night for Chad Johnson went a long way towards the lack of scoring, as his sideline argument with Carson Palmer was the most noise he made.

First quarter: The first sign that the Bengals were doomed came at the start of the game, when Mike Tirico announced the Bengals are 3 and 0 when wearing their all orange uniforms. If you’ve ever seen these things in all their glowing beauty, you realize this success is either because they blind the opposition, or it allows team members to get good parking for each other before a game: one stands in his uniform in the open spot while the other pulls his car in.

If the Patriots were tired from walking from their parking spots to the stadium, they didn’t show it on their first drive. They put together a nice 11 play drive for a field goal. Later in the quarter they scored a touchdown thanks mainly to a 49 yard run by Sammy Morris. In contrast, glowing was the only thing the Bengals were successful at in this quarter. By the end of it, the Patriots were up 10 to 0.

Before going to the second quarter, I want to congratulate Dr. Pepper for making a commercial using a song that should never have been used for a commercial. Ever. Emerson, Lake, and Palmer’s Karn Evil #9. All the times I heard that song growing up, I never imagined a lineman doing a touchdown celebration dance to it.

Second quarter: When Tom Brady threw an interception (a bad one) early in the quarter, there was a brief moment where I wondered if he was going to be human for this game. The Bengals scored on the next possession, and I thought it might be a close game. Instead, on their next possession, New England came out and scored a touchdown. It was a beautiful pass from Brady to Randy Moss. This is exactly why New England is such a good team: instead of letting the opposition believe they have a chance, they squelch that hope as soon as possible. And this is exactly why Brady is such a good quarterback: despite his bad mistake, he has a short memory.

The Bengals’ key mistake came near the end of this half. Instead of capping off a nice drive with a touchdown to make it a close 17 to 14 game, Carson Palmer threw an interception, keeping the score at 17 to 7 going into the half.

Halftime with Chris Berman: WHOOP! John Facenda impersonation. And…scene.

Pardon the Interruption – I couldn’t stay for this. Besides a ridiculous discussion comparing Tony Romo to Brett Favre (Really? Playing in his second season and you’re comparing him to a future member of the hall of fame?), I saw that a Mets discussion was coming so I left the room. I am a Mets fan. And I live in Philadelphia. ‘Nuff said.

Third quarter: The Patriots continued their consistency this quarter while the Bengals sputtered and struggled and eked out only a field goal. Cincinnati was really hurt this quarter by penalties. They had six of them, cancelling out any possibility of offensive momentum. They went backwards when they needed to go forward. With sloppy play by the Bengals, they found themselves down 24 to 10 at the end of the quarter.

Fourth quarter: At this point I should mention that, due to injuries before and during the game, the Bengals are only playing with two linebackers. The announcers kept mentioning how difficult this was for them (and I agree, that’s tough), but I could only think this: how can their coach, Marvin Lewis, have such a bad defense after five years with the team? He was supposed to be a defensive mastermind when he came to the team, but the Bengals’ defense is in shambles. Very weird how things have turned out for him in Cincinnati.

This quarter went according to script as well: New England added a healthy amount of points while Cincinnati added an anemic amount. Everyone knew the Patriots had the game in hand. The announcers did, too, and they started getting loopy from trying to come up with things to talk about: Tony Kornheiser began discussing whether the Patriots can go undefeated this season (almost as ridiculous as the Romo and Favre comparison); Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski began teasing Kornheiser about his man crush on Brady. They were ready to wrap this thing up. And so was I.

By the end of the game, I was left wondering who could stop the Patriots (and what can help the Bengals). The good thing about this year’s schedule is that we will get a chance to see them face two of the team’s that can do it: the Dallas Cowboys on October 14th, and the Indianapolis Colts on November 4th. Mark those dates down.

Next week’s Monday Night Football game is the Dallas Cowboys at the Buffalo Bills. Mark that down, too. Use a light pencil, though.

For more MNF clips, visit our Online Video Guide.

In the old days (think way back to 2005) it was much cheaper to be an embarrassed New Orleans Saints fan. All you needed was a quality paper bag on your head with some eye holes cut out (so you could see where you were going and so your fellow fans could see the tears) and you were ready for some Saints football. In the fourth quarter, when ESPN’s cameras captured a fan with his authentic Reggie Bush jersey pulled over his head, you realize how expensive shame can be.

The Saints actually didn’t look that bad. Despite the fact that the Tennessee Titans won by a large spread (31-14), New Orleans was in this game until the fourth quarter. That’s when the wheels came off for the Saints. They came off for Monday’s game as they committed four turnovers in the final quarter. They also came off for the Saints bandwagon, as anyone remaining on it jumped off screaming now that the team has careened to an 0 and 3 record. Like I said, this game wasn’t so much about a bad Saints team. It was more about a surprisingly impressive Tennessee Titans team, as they proved not every player on the team is named Vince Young.

First quarter: This game did look like it would be a blowout in favor of the Titans in the first quarter. Vince Young looked impressive as he came out throwing well. I haven’t seen many Titans games, but I’m amazed at what Young is able to do considering the ugly way he throws the ball. Have you ever tried to throw a ball with your other, weaker hand? That’s how his throws always looked to me. I’d see it and think, "Really, Vince? Are you sure you’re not left-handed?" Yet he uses that style and rockets come out of his hand. And he was throwing rockets this quarter. The Titans were moving the ball easily and though they only scored an FG this quarter, you had the feeling there was a lot more to come.

The Saints, on the other hand, looked frantic. Cautious. Pressured. They were unable to get a first down on either of their two first-quarter drives, and the Titans defensive line was getting good pressure on Drew Brees, forcing him into some bad throws. The Saints were lucky to only be down 3-0 at the end of the quarter.

My highlight of this quarter was Tony Kornheiser trotting out a nice, timely American Bandstand reference. I’d make fun of this if it wasn’t a frightening glimpse at my future 20 to 25 years down the road. Probably less, actually. I can already see people simply blinking at my GI Joe and Atari 2600 references now. Blink.

Second quarter: This was another quarter the Titans let the Saints hang around, and you wondered if Tennessee would actually make enough mistakes to give the game away. With the Titans leading 10-0, the Saints’