Desperate Housewives

So here we are at the season finale, and I think Desperate Housewives did an admirable job of tying up many loose narrative plot strings, while still leaving us wanting more, what with a clever epilogue that fast-forwarded five years into the future. I apologize in advance for posting this much later than usual, but with a jam-packed two hours to cover and some unforeseen technical difficulties (my Internet went out at the worst possible moment!), it was a long night. I also want to thank you for generally being very nice to me these last few weeks. You made it all a lot of fun!

Katherine (from the Greek, meaning "purity")

So we finally know the secret!

Dylan I: The Phantom Menace accidentally died when a heavy armoire tipped over on her. Katherine and her aunt Lily decided to take the popular Wisteria Lane justice-circumvention route and bury the body in the woods, and get the heck out of Dodge. Katherine then adopted parentless Dylan II: The Sequel –- conveniently a spitting image of and the same age as her predecessor -- from a Romanian orphanage, hence her DNA dissonance from Wayne and her lack of memory about her childhood. One quibble: Dylan II, who looked to be about 4 in the orphanage scene, presumably had to learn a second language –- wouldn't she remember that?

But never mind. Katherine's fierce guarding of this most interesting of secrets (she even lied to Adam) cracked under the pressure of an increasingly homicidal Wayne, who needed Katherine to fill in the missing pieces. What to do? Oh, I know: kidnap and torture poor Adam! Yes, Nathan Fillion –- whose role was probably cut short by the strike –- returned to save the day. But this time knocking Wayne out wasn't enough for Katherine. She shot the bastard dead, which would have been problematic, had her fellow Housewives not stretched the truth for police, nabbing her a neatly rendered self-defense verdict.

One question remains, of course: What was all that about Cousin Tim witnessing Wayne's "murder"? In retrospect, I guess it was just meant to serve as a fake-out, to keep us all off the trail of Dylan I's accidental death. I wonder if we'll ever see Pervy Hottie Taxman Tim again.

But so ends this season's big mystery, which will perhaps go down as Housewives' best executed. Props, of course, go to Dana Delany for crafting a juicy character of equal parts sweetness, wit, obsessiveness, scheming, and vulnerability (ah, that crumple-cry face!).

Five Years Later: Katherine gets to play poker with the ladies! Yay! We see her get a cheerful call from Dylan, who had just returned from Paris, where she got engaged to "Bradley." We don't know if Katherine is still with Adam, but seriously, if I were Adam, I'd run for the hills.

Lynette (from English, meaning "lake")

This week's episode acknowledged something I've been saying for a few weeks: Lynette is a terrible mother. Yes, Kayla is a terrible child, but Lynette is the grown-up, and should have known better. But no. Instead, she's thrown in jail when Kayla burns herself with a curling iron.

It's Tom who comes to the rescue. First, he entraps his daughter into admitting she made it all up, and she is promptly shipped off to live with her grandparents. It's kind of a tidy resolution to a story that could have been something much more complicated and interesting if Kayla had been a touch less evil and Lynette a touch more loving. I would have liked to have seen how they actually worked it out. Instead, I guess I'm glad that Kayla is gone, if only because now I anxiously await the episode next season when a 16(?)-year-old Kayla resurfaces with all that pre-teen angst in full swing and ready to wreak more havoc!

Tom also redeemed himself by declaring his undying devotion to Lynette in the process of reuniting the squabbling Bob and Lee, whose commitment ceremony served as the set piece for this episode's big finale. Tom warned them not to sweat the small stuff (Lee thought the cherub ice sculpture Bob wanted looked like a "giant, icy slap in the face") because true love is about when things –- a tornado, cancer -– get much, much worse.

Five Years Later: Lynette's future-present indicates that perhaps her parenting skills haven't improved. It seems that Preston has boosted a car and taken it for a joyride, an offense that his twin Porter has already committed, which landed him in juvie for a stint. To quote Matt Dillon in There's Something About Mary, I love those goofy bastards!

Bree (an Irish word meaning "power")

OK, so we kind of knew that Bree was going to get back together with Orson, but how did that "happen"? Well, we still don't really know, but this episode showed Orson doing his hangdog best to prove to Bree that he was worthy of her love -– even if he did attempt to kill a neighbor!

When Reverend Michael Green returns from a missionary tour of duty in North Korea, Bree welcomes him home as any kiss-ass parishioner would, over pizza at Scavo's. But! The militant minister (shades of Brando in Apocalypse Now) comes on to her! He claims that he has had feelings for her "since Palm Sunday 1996, [when they] both reached for the same frond." Ha!

It's Orson who defends her honor with the dastardly rev, who was planning to out Bree as a "flame-haired jezebel" in front of the entire congregation.

Crazy OCD Bree was on full display tonight, as she singlehandedly catered the same-sex nuptials, since Katherine was off being held hostage and watching her life fall apart. There were some funny control-freak Bree moments, which were nicely balanced by the image of a grease-stained, de-coiffed Bree pushing a quickly melting ice sculpture in a baby carriage alongside the highway when both her cell phone and one of her car's tires went kaput. Again, Orson comes to her rescue, but falls short of actually getting back in the house. Bree stands firm on her demand that he turn himself in to the authorities. He refuses, and then, as Bree puts it: There they are.

Bree also had the misfortune to end up Wayne's second hostage, which also means she's the only Housewife who knows Katherine's secret. While the police investigation seems to be resolved, I'm guessing that this shared secret will deepen their friendship, and these two ladies will be slinging both hash in their catering business and lead at the firing range together for many years to come.

Five Years Later: As I mentioned, Orson is back in the house, prepping a bubble bath for a gussied-up Bree, who has apparently published a cookbook about to be reviewed by the New York Times. It was a nice surprise to see an all-grown-up Andrew acting as his mom's right-hand man. Not a surprise: No sight of Invisible Benjamin Hodge!

Gabrielle (from the Hebrew, meaning "God is my strength"):

The inevitable sting operation came to a head tonight, when Ellie's supplier showed up just as the cops finished bugging the Solis' house. When Gaby and the cop's tech guy got caught in Ellie's bedroom installing the bugs, Gaby hilariously covered by claiming that he was her handyman and that she was having an affair with him. When things get boring, "a little greasy, disgusting handyman really hits the spot," she claims.

When the cops finally moved in to arrest Ellie, Gaby, who still has a soft spot for the in-house narcotics trafficker, tipped Ellie off, allowing her to run. This week's Solis Ethical Challenge came in the form of $118,000 that Gaby found stashed in Ellie's teddy bear, and that Gaby and Carlos decided to keep in order to stave off their impending poverty. In the hubbub, the cops never seemed to have found out about the money, and…

Also, Ellie is dead. Wayne shot her when she had the misfortune to choose the Mayfair house as a hideout, walking in on his hostage scenario.

Five Years Later: A de-glammed Gaby, who had ironically claimed earlier in the episode that she and Carlos would never have kids ("shoes are my kids"), has kids! Two squishy, mischievous moppets who like playing with Mommy's makeup and her Vera Wang dresses. I, for one, can't wait to see Eva Longoria tackle motherhood.

Susan (the Greek form of the Hebrew name Shoshannah, meaning "lily")

Susan and Mike squabbled about naming the baby, which created some great comedy among the ladies when they heard Mike wanted to name Baby Delfino Maynard, after his late grandfather (late as of that day, in fact). "Which says 'kick my ass' more? May or Nerd?" Lynette asks. Bree suggests that Maynard doesn't match Delfino because "one is German and the other is Italian, and we all know what happens when those folks get together." As an Italian-American (I know I sound like a leprechaun, but my mom is Neopolitan), I am officially amused, er, offended.

Gaby emphasizes that a kid's name determines his future. "If my parents didn't name me Gabrielle, who knows if I'd be this pretty?" she asks, and she's serious. So Susan does what only Susan thinks is a good idea: She changes the baby's legal name to Conner without telling Mike, until he, of course, catches her in yet another hare-brained scheme. Ultimately, though, we find out that Grandpa Maynard was some kind of saint, having integrated the school system and taken in Mike when his dad went to the slammer.

Also: Julie got into Princeton, and had to report to school early to do something-or-other-plot-device with a famous professor who liked her senior thesis. This development allowed it to make sense that Julie would be leaving to go to college in May, leading to a sweet scene between Andrea Bowen and Teri Hatcher, as Susan confesses that she is having a hard time letting her go. Despite Julie's minimal screen time, Bowen and Hatcher have always had great chemistry, and if a growed-up Julie isn't back next season, I will miss her.

Five Years Later: Susan enters her house and says, "Honey, I'm home," but the "honey" in question is in fact Gale Harold (Queer As Folk) and not Hottie Plumber Mike Delfino. I hadn't any idea that my complaints about James Denton would lead to this. Wow! This development puts Susan front and center for what is sure to be next season's central storyline.

Obviously, a lot of questions here:

1. Will the cops find out about Ellie's secret cash stash?

2. What do we want to see Katherine Mayfair get up to now that her mystery has been solved? My suggestion: some light physical comedy. Katherine needs a break!

3. Do you think Orson went to jail? If yes, what is his prison tattoo? My guess: The Brooks Brothers logo.

4. Did that glimpse of Serious Businessman Andrew make you as curious as I am to see what the Wisteria Kidz are like all growed up?

5. Will Gaby make a better mom than Lynette?

6. Where's Edie? Do you think she's been gone from Wisteria Lane during the intervening five years?

7. What the heck happened to Mike Delfino? Would you like to see James Denton remain on the show, even if he is apparently no longer with Susan?

8. What in the name of Minnie Pearl was Mrs. McCluskey wearing on her head at the wedding?

Missed the season finale? Catch up by watching full episodes of Desperate Housewives in our Online Video Guide.

It's Mother's Day on Wisteria Lane, and the fierce maternal instincts of the ladies of Desperate Housewives made me think for a second I had accidentally switched over to Animal Planet: When Mothers Attack! (As you'll see below, this episode has me in a rather exclamatory mood...)

Nude, snoring whore!
Mike's momma (the always brilliant Celia Weston – remember her in Junebug?) is in town, and is meeting Susan for the first time? That's weird. But anyhow, I guess it's just as well since she's kind of a pain, harping on Susan's every shortcoming and making it her goal to turn her into a "chef in the kitchen, a maid in the living room and a whore in the bedroom." Good luck with that!

Despite the great guest star, this story started strong -- and funny -- but quickly turned repetitive as Momma's barbs became less subtle and more just plain cruel. Susan's pregnancy, meanwhile, moved along at its usual clip, meaning that tonight she was ready to deliver! So after faking labor with a glass of club soda (for the record, amniotic fluid does not contain ice cubes and a lemon wedge), Susan actually had to put off delivery to hear Mike finally confront his silly momma, who promptly apologized. Just in time for Susan to have a son (?) named Maynard (?), if we are to believe this week's insanely jump-cut coming attractions.

Corn! dog!
Brace yourselves: This week's episode actually made me feel bad for that monster Kayla. I love Felicity Huffman, and I have nothing but respect for her acting and the character she's crafted here, but jeez, Lynette has seriously gone off the good-judgment rails. She has always been a charming wreck of a mother, but her behavior in handling Kayla is frankly despicable.

In a very revealing scene, the doctor asked Lynette if she loved Kayla. It's true that the situation is complicated, but her answer was far from believable. At that moment, it occurred to me that despite the neat narrative bow that the writers tied around Nora-gate (bang bang!), Lynette has never accepted Kayla. So the doc's advice for "attachment parenting" therapy sounded pretty sound to me.

But… well, no. Kayla naturally took advantage of Lynette's enforced goodwill, which, ultimately provoked Lynette to slap the twisted tyke -- the more shocking of the night's two slaps. True, she did threaten harm to adorable Penny Scavo, but I felt, like Tom, that this move was going to have serious repercussions. Cut to Kayla calling the doctor and crying child abuse, which apparently leads to Lynette being arrested next week. At least Kayla didn't torture the cat. Yet.

Just act normal!
So upon discovering that Mallory Ellie is a drug dealer ("I was a fashion model in the '90s." Gaby says. "I know cocaine!"), the Solises very uncharacteristically make the sound decision to drop a dime on her. Unfortunately, the cops are already on to Ellie, and need to stake her out a little longer to smoke out her supplier. So the Solises have to play dumb for now, lest Carlos' parole be compromised. It was nice to see that Gaby had developed a maternal instinct for Ellie, raising the emotional stakes a bit for the inevitable betrayal that seems like it's just around the corner.

No scar on the arm!
Wayne's DNA test results allow me to revise my theory about Katherine's secret. We know now that Dylan isn't Wayne's daughter, but perhaps the product of one of Katherine's many flings she 'fessed up to in an effort to get Wayne out of their lives. So here goes: I still think that Katherine accidentally killed Dylan I, whose fall from a bike scarred her arm, but she was already pregnant with Dylan II, and promptly moved away to escape her abusive husband and, ultimately, to hide Dylan II's age disparity (though, technically, Dylan II could still have been adopted).

Here's the kicker: It can't just be an extraneous detail that we met Susan's pervy cousin Tim earlier in the season and learned that he lost his virginity to Katherine. Could it be possible that he is actually Dylan's father? Now think back to his reaction upon meeting little Dylan Mayfair all grown up, and it's either touching (if he knows) or totally gross.

Nevertheless, I'm guessing that now that Wayne is all seething and drinking, we haven't seen the last of him.

The incident!
The bitch-slap heard 'round the Lane set off an interesting chain of events this week. Let's recap: Edie kissed Orson, which Bree witnessed. Bree slapped Edie, and then made it her job to ruin Edie's real estate practice (Why is the Young house still on the market? Didn't the Applewhites move out months and months and months ago in TV time?). Edie -- in her special way -- was in the right place at the right time and learned the truth about Invisible Benjamin's parentage. Edie then naturally blackmailed Bree with this knowledge.

Not so fast. Bree came clean with the other ladies at poker night, which was a nice nod to what is always the best part of the show -- when all the Housewives get together. Instead of a characteristically bubbly kaffeeklatsch, though, this get-together was poignant, as the original four ladies banded together to fight the enemy: Edie.

The image of the four leads sashaying down Wisteria Lane to deliver the strongly worded verdict ("We're done.") was pretty great, and a nice set-up to what I hear will be the finale's big twist, a five-year fast-forward.

One quibble: As we've discussed, morality is a bit of a loose concept in the world of Desperate Housewives, so it struck me a little odd that the ladies felt justified in getting up on their high horses with Edie. Think about all the schemes -- both large (burning Edie's house down) and larger (covering up a hit-and-run) -- that these ladies have been party to, and Edie's role as Wisteria Lane's "devil" is really just a matter of relativity.

Nevertheless, things aren't looking so good for Nicollette Sheridan's continued employment, as once the ladies initiated the freeze-out, she immediately hopped in her car to Boston to see her son, Travers, and it sounds like it might not be a temporary visit.

Next week is the season finale! What questions still remain unanswered? What is Katherine's secret? Will Gaby screw things up and defend her surrogate daughter? Does Lynette actually deserve to go to jail? Is Baby Delfino (apparently Mike's dad is the Italian) really going to be named Maynard? And with Edie at least temporarily out of the picture, will Bree and Orson reunite for the sake of their invisible fake baby?

Watch full episodes of Desperate Housewives in our Online Video Guide

The narcotic, disembodied voice of Mary Alice instructed us tonight that when you invite someone into your home, you invite them into your life. Which is bad because… sometimes they refuse to leave. Let's check in with this week's "house guests," who, like fish, have started stinking up Wisteria Lane on the proverbial third day.

Karl: Did you miss Karl? I know I sure did. It's funny to see a guy who loves seeing his ex-wife, if only to flirt with and torture her with his "happy monkey face." The glee with which Richard Burgi inhabits the character -– not to mention the snappy adversarial chemistry he has with Teri Hatcher -- really puts into relief how ineffectual James Denton has become of late.

In a twist of only-on-TV fate, Karl and his knocked-up "skank" child bride (aka the Hottest Law Professor Ever) are enrolled in the same Lamaze class as Susan. Which, naturally, sends her into a signature tailspin of wrongheaded deception, which includes overdressing for class (although, I must say, Hatcher looked sexier tonight than she did last week in pregnancy lingerie) and making Mike say "hence" a lot. Her plan backfires, of course, when Plumber Boy lets it slip that he's on the wagon.

Interestingly, Karl takes no pleasure in the instability of Susan's reality, and displays a level of decency we wouldn't expect from a man who once shared Edie's bed.

Orson: Let's just say it. Kyle MacLachlan has really stepped up to the plate in these latest episodes. His chilly WASP routine was definitely getting old, so I'm glad that he has found more subtle shadings to the character. We've seen him horny, sleepwalking, and now… drunk! Orson is all pitiful-emoticon-looking this week since Bree threw his ass out last week. While Bree initially admitted to Katherine that she would probably let him come home eventually, catching him sucking face with his new martini buddy, Edie –- who "has a habit of picking at other women's leftovers" -- might have pushed "eventually" back a little.

My inner Bree sez: Those martini glasses are way tacky.

Here's my question: How can they possibly keep this a secret? Both Katherine and Edie inquired about Orson's misstep ("Was it something gay?" Edie asked, with a little too much mischief), but in both cases, it was dismissed with little fanfare. Especially in the world of Desperate Housewives, wouldn't you expect the Wisteria Lane grapevine (mixed metaphor?) to be buzzing about what could have possibly rent Ken and Barbie's dream house. Stay tuned, I suppose.

Invisible Baby Watch: So far in the second half of the season, we're 0-for-4 for Benjamin Hodge sightings. Bree briefly mentions that she has to let the sitter go home in the scene with Drunk Orson and Edie, but who does she think she's kidding? There's no such thing as an invisible babysitter.

Ellie: Dude, it's Mallory Keaton as "art student" Ellie, who moves in with the Solises this week after a very funny interview scene, which displayed Carlos' new talent of "hearing" Gaby's eye-rolling and dirty looks and included the disturbing revelation that Carlos may have inadvertently groped a Swedish bodybuilder.

Gaby soon discovers that Ellie has many gentleman callers, from whom she accepts cash payments, which -– in a nice echo of last week's rivalry with the seeing-eye dog – raises Gaby's competitive hackles. "There may be two tramps living in this house, but only one of them is getting paid," Gaby huffs.

The writers are doing an overall great job of incorporating the supporting cast this season, aren't they? Gaby's plan to use her gay neighbors Bob and Lee to find out if Ellie was a prostitute was genius. "You people are theatrical," Gaby explained. The couple bickered amusingly about who was more "straight," but in the end Lee volunteered (he once played Tony in West Side Story "to rave reviews"). Gaby's observation that he looked like the lost member of Wham! was pretty spot-on, and –- surprise! -– Gaby's plan went hilariously awry (Gaby and Bob's play-by-play was a nice touch) in a way that no amount of margarita mix could remedy. Happy Cinco de Mayo, by the way!

So, no, Ellie is not a whore, but she is a drug dealer, specifically she appears to sell huge amounts of cocaine, the nose candy, the Bolivian marching powder, the white pony, the gutter glitter, the happy trails, Belushi… and I hear that next week we'll find out that the cops are on to her. Uh-oh -- it seems that the only tattoos Mallory will be crafting will be of the prison variety. What would Steven and Elyse say?

Inner Bree sez: Check your Tivo. What the hell is the lighting sitch in Gaby and Carlos' bathroom? They have, like, a 3,000-bulb chandelier in there.

Kayla: I am a good person. I like puppies and children and rainbows. But I hate little Kayla Scavo with the intensity of a thousand suns. It seems that Wednesday Adams (shades of Christina Ricci in those tight braids, no?) encouraged the dumb twins to buuuuurn Rick's restaurant down. So yes, she is pure evil, as evidenced by her skilled manipulation of Lynette's plan to sneak her off to therapy without Tom's approval. (Where do these kids learn such warped behavior?)

Also, Parker and Preston and their dumb faces rock, and I don't want to see them break any more limbs, let alone get shipped off to juvie. They remind me of that guy who was the star lacrosse player in high school and is now a fat cop in your hometown and pulls you over over Thanksgiving weekend for running a stop sign (stoptional!) and tells you how cool it is that you live in New York and get to meet celebrities, making all those hours you spent editing the damn school newspaper seem like sweet, sweet vindication -- hypothetically speaking, of course…

Also, I was surprised to see Kayla brushing her doll's hair. How old is she supposed to be? I thought she was older, tween-ish. Shouldn't she be posing topless for Vanity Fair or something?

Wayne: So the Courtship of Dylan's Father came to a head tonight when the reformed wife-beater Wayne finally came face-to-face with Katherine, who was privy to Wayne's reappearance, since she had tailed Dylan using Bree's sound advice (heh). Despite Wayne's claims that he had changed in the intervening 12 years, "Kathy" is not scared of him anymore. She's not the same woman he knocked around, punched, choked, the one whose blood he licked off his knuckles (nice imagery, writers!). She's gone. In her place, we are most fortunate to have Katherine Mayfair, a bread-kneading sociopath who apparently keeps a pistol in the silverware drawer.

You know what I'm going to say. Dana Delany continues to act the Parker House rolls out of this role. Alas, no crumple face tonight. But! Her woman-scorned routine was positively chilling, and I can't wait to see how this storyline's resolution plays out. Only two episodes left, people!

Burning Questions:

Were you as impressed with Housewives' supporting cast as I was this week? Do you hate Kayla as much as I do? Is it shocking to see our beloved Mallory dealing (one more) Peruvian flake? How will L'Affaire du Katherine Mayfair play out? And are your unresolved high-school issues as sad as mine are?

Quotable Quotes:

"I assume you'll want the pewter cat" –-Bree, to Orson, while systematically divvying up their possessions

"How do you feel about Parker House rolls? Personally, I think they're played out." -–Bree, to Katherine

(These two lines aren't exactly knee-slappers, but they represent the detail with which the character of Bree is drawn.)

"Hitch up your skirt and get in." –-Edie, to sad, drunk, homeless Orson

"That would be like having sex with PBS." –-Edie, about Orson

"Cash and I go waaay back." -–Gaby, accepting Ellie's untraceable rent payment

"If he's anything like Ida, he'll wander into my house drunk next time Guiding Light is on." -–Mrs. McCluskey, who periodically popped up tonight, about dearly departed Ida's cat, Toby

"Her mom was kind of a psycho -- apple, tree, maybe not so far…" –-Lynette, about Kayla

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The disembodied voice of Mary-Alice informed us that this week's episode of Desperate Housewives is about people breaking the rules. And while Wisteria Lane has never been a paragon of morality, it did seem like our girls have gotten themselves into a lot of hot water. To wit:

Pants on fire So this week there was a lot of interesting stuff about Lynette and Tom trusting each other and/or believing each other when they talk… real... slow… but ultimately this week's storyline seemed to serve as a mere set-up for what comes next.

Yes, as much as my perverse masculine pride wanted New Tom to be an arsonist (is that weird?), it seems those of you who posted last week that the fire-starters were among the Scavo offspring were right. Well done! It was Preston and Porter who just wanted that man to go away, so – to paraphrase Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas in VH1's Behind the Music: TLC – they buuuuuuurned Rick's house down.

As I learned many years ago in those awesome Mormon PSAs about lying (what's up, Carlton Banks?), lying isn't a good idea. But those big fat liars the Scavos are now on a slippery slope, and you can bet that there are more juicy fibs in their future.

Women are so emotional Poor Teri Hatcher, saddled as she is with all the pregnant, hormonal, "silent-movie heroine" theatrics. True, she is about three months more pregnant than she was last week, which must be a difficult adjustment. But at least it facilitated Bree's prescient speech about dealing with emotion. Of course it's a housekeeping metaphor: Picture an empty box, put it in an empty closet, and go back and deal with the emotion later, in private, like a lady.

By the end of the episode, it seems clear that both ladies, despite their differing approaches, know how to deal with emotion. For Susan, it means confronting Orson in the middle of the night – pregnancy lingerie and all – about his involvement in Mike's coma. Bree, on the other hand, promptly throws the attempted murderer out. Marcia Cross' pinched angry face scares the hell out of me, since it reminds me of the time I got caught skipping school and lying about it to my parents. Little did Mom know she could have won an Emmy for that face.

On a happier note, I'm excited to see how Bree and Katherine's "creative friction" will manifest itself in the coming weeks. One detail though: Did anyone else think it was hilarious when Bree initially turned down Katherine's offer because of the new baby? How much bother could little Benjamin Hodge be? That kid is more invisible than Wonder Woman's plane.

Canine teeth There's a new bitch in the Solis household, and – two legs or four – Gaby doesn't like the competition. I mean, come on, adorable seeing-eye-dog Roxy can't even fetch the remote or toast a bagel, like her fictional seeing-eye monkey can! Interestingly, it's Edie (aka Three Divorce Annie) who shows up with a box of doggie biscuits and some surprisingly rational advice.

This is the third week of Gaby learning the same lesson: that her blind husband might deserve a little kindness from his wife. I can understand that this particular learning curve might be a little steep for someone like Gaby, but let's hope she figures it out soon so we can move on to better things, like Mallory Keaton herself arriving next week to rent a room!

Father knows... what exactly? I have to admit that Lyndsy Fonseca's acting skills don't exactly set my world on fire. That said, the budding relationship between her and "Officer Wayne Davis" (the solid Gary Cole) has me intrigued. I mean, is he really Katherine's ex-husband? And if so, who is resting in peace in that tastefully marked grave? Ready for my wild theory? Katherine actually accidentally killed her daughter Dylan, and then ran out and obtained another little girl, real-quick-like. That would explain why Dylan II can't remember her childhood. It would not, however, explain why Wayne thinks that Dylan II has his nose or what she saw on that scrap of paper her dearly departed great-aunt left behind.

So don't listen to me. Or do. I hear that the season finale – which is but a few weeks from now – will reveal Katherine's secret, and that its revelation will involve all the Housewives, and possibly catapult the series into its much-teased biggest twist yet.

In the meantime, next week promises the aforementioned addition of Justine Bateman to the cast; Orson moves in with Edie (the hell?); and the return of Susan's ex Karl!

What do you think? With only three episodes left, it seems the writers have a lot of ground to cover. What is Katherine's secret? Will the Scavo brats go to juvie? Will Bree be a Van De Kamp again? Will Susan give birth next week? So many questions…

Watch full episodes of Desperate Housewives in our Online Video Guide.

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An interesting fact to ponder about this week's very full episode: Not only did our six ladies tear up the scenery as usual, it also had the unique effect of granting potentially rich future storylines to four Desperate Husbands and at least two Desperate Offspring. Let's get to it!

Poor little poor girl: If Eva Longoria ever wins an award for Desperate Housewives, she'd better remember to thank her stilettos, as her sky-high heels are often the source of much physical comedy. Remember her mowing her lawn in a couture gown and heels? A laugh riot. This week it was the grueling walk from the car to the valet-free Price Warehouse --"we're poor now, remember?" she reminds Lynette -- that has her dogs a-barkin'. Solution: She gets a legit handicapped tag, and then abuses the privilege. Her altercation with the two militant men in wheelchairs ended predictably cringe-y, with Gaby rolling her adversary out of frame and declaring, "Well, it's official; I'm going to hell." If nothing else, you have to applaud the girl for her degree of self-awareness.

Last week I praised Longoria for combining her character's hilarious shenanigans with a true emotional heart. And while I still basically believe that to be true, this week's abrupt 180 from vixen to victim seemed a tad forced. Her teary declaration that Carlos' blindness didn't just happen to him -- she has to put the toothpaste on the left! -- would have been more moving if she didn't just cart his ass all over town to prove her handicapped-parking eligibility and emerge from the nail salon clutching a smoothie. I'm sure there's more to this storyline, so I'll reserve further judgment for now. Their love story, as demonstrated in the dressing-for-the-ball-scene, rings true, so that will sustain us through what I'm sure is Carlos' temporary blindness. Right? It has to be temporary.

¡Tom is en fuego! In another life when I wrote episode recaps of Housewives for another website, I used to refer to Tom (Doug Savant) as Gay Matt, owing to his mild-mannered role on Melrose Place. It was kind of obnoxious of me, and also kind of funny. But here's a promise: I'll never do it again. After tonight's ep, Savant has earned the right to avoid my stoopid nicknames.

The reappearance of Rick Coletti (Jason Gedrick) inflamed (heh) Tom's jealousies in a way that has suddenly turned a lovable-but-kind-of-boring character into a full-fledged enigma. What I will now refer to as the "Tomming" of Savant began with that cold, black-hearted stare Tom shot at Rick in exchange for his sucky Barolo offering. Tom's seething quickly found its first victim, the front window of Rick's neighboring new restaurant. Yes, Tom bricked Rick's, and then lied to the cops about it. That, coupled with Tom telling Lynette that Rick had changed the way Tom looks at Lynette, paved the way for a darker, more complicated Tom Scavo. But did it drive him to arson? I like the idea that, at this point, I think, yeah, it totally did, and it has totally changed the way I look at Tom Scavo.

Edie! Edie! Edie! It would be weird if I noted how much Edie Britt and my awesome nana have in common, right? First off, they're both named Edie. To wit: Nan once appeared on national TV dressed as a witch (long story), which prompted The Official Salem Witch to put a hex on our family. She skied well into her 80s, used to wear a wig that my cousins and I called The Squiggle, and still knows if her grandchildren have watered down her scotches. Anyway… this week, the writers did Edie Britt a solid by returning her to form as the Character Who Says What Everyone Else Is Thinking. When Bree agreed to let Katherine help with the annual black-tie Founder's Ball, the lay-deez knew it had disaster written all over it, but were not so indelicate as to mention it. Enter Edie. "Nobody?" she asks when the table goes mute. "OK, I'm going in. You'd kill each other… literally." Little did she know…

Bree vs. Katherine: Tonight's battle of the scrapbooks for the esteemed title of Tightest Ass of Wisteria Lane took the shape of their passive-aggressive collaboration on the planning of the Founder's Ball. Naturally, Katherine is as assertive as her floral suggestions. (Wikipedia tells me that Lycianthes is a member of the nightshade family, which also includes the potato and the eggplant. They're sometimes poisonous, and share chemical properties with both cocaine and nicotine. As Katherine put it: "Isn't learning fun?")

Bree, feeling Katherine is trying to steal her spotlight, naturally serves up her competition some tainted dip to lay her low, leaving her with a realistic puking scene (ew), crazy hair and the general appearance of someone who "should be in line at the needle exchange." The writers have the last laugh when Katherine presents Bree with the Founder's Award, literally shifting the spotlight back to Bree.

So, in a twisted way, Katherine wins this battle. She understands that Gabrielle's the glamorous one, Susan's the adorable one, Lynette's smart, Edie's… Edie, and that Bree is the domestic one, the organizer. I know I'm a sycophant when it comes to Dana Delany, but she nailed this important scene. Katherine knows that she's moving in on Bree's turf. But she also knows that they've both had days when "it was set a beautiful table or curl up in a ball and die" (again, great crumple face here), and thus could be best friends. I, for one, am all for it. I hear that the pair will start a catering business together this season, so I'm guessing that this tender détente will be short-lived.

By the way, my nana never puts pears in Waldorf salad, so I'm with Bree on that one.

"A man is only as sick as his secrets": Orson's secret that he mowed down Mike Delfino has the bizarre effect to afflict him with sleepwalking. (Showgirls) Naked sleepwalking. (Showgirls) Which gives Teri Hatcher the opportunity to be all fidgety and cute, as she's the one who gets a private audience with Little Hodge (Showgirls) not once, but twice. (How can you not think of that scene in Showgirls?)

It's weird that the producers have revived this storyline, after poor Dixie Carter's death seemed to tie up the loose ends, even if it was a squandering of the actress' prodigious talents. But I suppose it's a godsend for both James Denton and Kyle MacLachlan, whose characters were, respectively, literally and figurately absent from much of the first half of the season. It seems like Mike's memory recovery will include Orson's secret next week, and I'm curious to see how this revelation will express itself. Is it really fair to make Bree lose another man when she seems so settled? The chemistry between Marcia Cross and MacLachlan in the scene when the couple suggest that Susan had a "naughty dream" about the "sex machine" Orson positively crackled. Even after Bree suggested that the lonely, pregnant Susan take a warm bath with a romance novel.

Housewives: The Next Generation: Just when I was ready to dash off a strongly worded screed about the neglect of the teen denizens of Wisteria Lane, Andrew (Gay Andrew? Nah.) pops up to inform Lynette of the torching of Rick's, Julie shows off new, surprisingly deep facial expressions as she became the recipient of Orson's secret, and a mystery man circles a picture of Dylan in the newspaper. And he's surrounded by empty beer cans, cigarette butts and discarded fast-food wrappers, which is TV shorthand for a possibly-not-so-nice man might be paying the Mayfairs a visit some time soon. It's also shorthand for my coffee table on the average Sunday morning. Spooky!

Burning Questions:

Do you think Tom burned down Rick's? I have to admit: I'm more into the idea as a narrative concept. I'm not so sure I want to see the new, improved Tom go to the slammer – although Desperate Husbands do have that tendency.

Are you with me that Carlos' blindness has to be temporary?

Is Dana Delany as blockbuster in this role as I think she is?

TiVo Check: Did anyone else notice that the hands that picked up the newspaper in the final scene were not the same hands that circled Dylan's picture? Is the Mystery Man unable to get his own newspaper and who is his paper-getting accomplice?

Also: Who do you think this Mystery Man is? Dylan's father? Susan's weird cousin? Zach Young???

The title of this episode is "In Buddy's Eyes." Who's Buddy? And what's he got in his eyes?

Hi, folks! I'm Mickey O'Connor, and I'll be taking over the Desperate Housewives blog this spring. Like Mel Gibson in What Women Want, I am metaphorically exfoliating my face and shaving my legs to see if I can apply some carefully measured male insight to the wonderfully wicked world of the women of Wisteria Lane. For the record, according to ABC's "Which Housewife Are You?" quiz, I am a Bree, so, you know, I apologize in advance.

Previously on Desperate Housewives: There was a tornado, which killed Victor and Ida, blinded Carlos, and rendered the Hodges and Mrs. McCluskey homeless; Gaby lost Carlos' offshore rainy day fund; Lynette scattered Ida's ashes; Edie needed a new storyline; and Bree and Susan were roomies! But! Also, Adam and Dylan discovered Katherine's deep-dark secret, which -- thankfully -- will not involve chains, a basement, or Zach Young.

Love is blind: Having suffered nobly through the traditional year two weeks of mourning for her late husband, Gaby (Eva Longoria Parker) decided to surprise Carlos with an impromptu hospital-bedside wedding. The pair get re-hitched ("Holy matrimony – bring it on!"), but not without a hitch: Carlos neglects to tell Gaby that his blindness is likely permanent. Edie helpfully fills in Gaby on that fact, giving Nicollette Sheridan something to do this week. I don't know about you, but I'm kind of worried about her character's future. Re-watch that scene, and you'll see a slight tip of Sheridan's head as she walks away that seems to say, "Writers, please. Gimme something. Anything."

With an enraged Gaby on the verge of serving Carlos an Alpo-based stew, Carlos admits that he thought Gaby would leave him if she knew the truth. "How shallow do you think I am?" Gaby asks. (Heh. Well, actually…) But instead of finishing her game of Beat Up the Blind Man, Gaby shockingly agrees to stand by her man with an oddly touching speech that made me go "Aw!" and then "Ew!" and then "Meow!" Props go to Longoria Parker for injecting Gaby with a ridiculous combination of absurd comic timing, questionable morality, a believable emotional core and, of course, insane hotness. I am a big fan of Gaby and Carlos' unburdened-by-ethics union, so I'm glad to see them back together.

You gotta have faith: When a Scavo twin announces that Jesus is "the guy who helps Santa Claus," Lynette (Felicity Huffman) – who loves "that new Bible smell" -- decides it's time for the Scavos to get some religion. She has survived both cancer and a tornado when others have not, and she has some capital-Q Questions. She turns to Bree (Marcia Cross) for spiritual guidance, who advises against Catholicism's kneeling and genuflecting ("I go for worship, not a workout"). So off to the Presbyterian Church they go, where an overzealous Lynette turns the starchy service into a hilarious Q&A session that includes the word "dumbass." Lynette's behavior makes Bree clutch her pearls, since she believes it will jeopardize her chances of heading up the church's ladies' auxiliary.

Bree coolly advises Lynette to switch to a more interactive house of worship ("If you really enjoy talking back to the pulpit, why don't you try that Gospel church by the airport?"), so the Scavos skulk on over to Casa Catholic, creating a temporary rift between the church buddies. Ultimately, though, the friends share a touching rapprochement, in which Bree apologizes for, um, being Bree and Lynette renews her faith in their friendship.

Secret, lovers: Before squeezing in a quickie visit to Mike in rehab (Hey there, James Denton!), Susan (Teri Hatcher) welcomes her cousin, Sexiest Tax Accountant Alive Tim (Chris Carmack, formerly of The O.C.), for a visit. Tim, it seems, is helping to fill in Susan and Mike's 1040s while he kills time between jobs since he got fired for sleeping with his boss' 18-year-old daughter. Yes, folks, this CPA likes 'em barely legal, sending Susan into a trademark tizzy when Tim acts all To Catch a Predator-y around almost-18-year-old Dylan Mayfair. Susan does catch her cuz in flagrante delicto, but, in a nice fake-out, the Mayfair he's boffing is Katherine (Dana Delany), who, it seems, plucked Tim's tender flower of virginity when he was just a band-camp-attending 16 years old. Dude. Niiice.

Now's probably a good time to bring up my Dana Delany obsession. I was a huge fan of China Beach and of Delany's Emmy-winning portrayal of Nurse Colleen McMurphy, and I couldn't be more relieved that this season's mystery has been integrated more deftly into the fabric of Wisteria Lane than the piece-of-crap storyline with which poor Alfre Woodard was saddled. Katherine's secret is that she sorta maybe possibly killed her abusive husband. With a candlestick. In the living room. While I like that Delany has been a worthy adversary for Bree in the OCD Olympics, I like that she's also kind of a wreck. Her crumple-cry face is wincingly good, and we got a double serving of it tonight: first, when she visits what appears to be a tasteful grave marker of river stones in the woods, and second, when she confesses to Adam (a criminally underused Nathan Fillion – is that really it for him?) that she misses him and is "so terribly lonely."

Before he leaves, though, Adam provides Katherine with one last alibi, lying to Dylan when he tells her that her mother did not kill her father. This being Desperate Housewives, I sort of wonder if there's more to this story. We know that Gary Cole has been cast as Katherine's doomed ex, Wayne Davis, who will apparently appear in future episodes in flashback mode. But… is he actually dead? Maybe it's because I'm a Lost devotee, but I'm anticipating some twists in this narrative, which I don't think is a simple case of domestic abuse gone awry. But as the melodic, disembodied voice of Mary Alice has instructed me – and all the parishioners of the Church of Marc Cherry -- for now I will continue to have faith.

My Capital-Q Questions:

Do you agree with Bruce Fretts, who says in today's Cheers & Jeers, that he thinks Housewives is back on track creatively? Have your opinion heard!

Does Gaby's touching declaration of devotion indicate a change in character is in store as she embarks on seeing-eye-wife duty? Next week's previews, in which she steals a parking space from a man in a wheelchair, point to not so much.

Now that Bree and Lynette have settled into their respective spiritual quests, can we anticipate them turning their shrewd diplomacy on rising gas prices and peace in the Middle East?

How will we learn the ultimate truth about Katherine and Wayne? Will it be Cousin Tim's recollection that he apparently witnessed the murder? Do you anticipate a twist in our future?

Will Teri Hatcher get a more realistic pregnancy belly? And with the Hottie Tax Guy in town, does the show even need the Hottie Plumber back?

Did anyone else think of Kyle MacLachlan's poolside work in Showgirls when we saw that Orson will make a naked appearance in Susan's kitchen next week?

Can we work on a conspiracy theory based on the fact that Kimberley Joseph, who plays flight attendant Cindy on Lost, appeared in a KFC commercial tonight?

If mowing the lawn in a Notre Dame sweatshirt doesn't make you a Catholic, does that mean my great-uncle Shorty is totally screwed?