24

Say what you will about Day Six, it certainly went out with a bang — and not a small amount of closure. The Russians are satisfied that the Chinese no longer have that all-important component, and are standing down. Cheng's in custody, Josh is safe with his mom, and Phillip Bauer will presumably do his hard time in Davy Jones' Locker. Our once-hawkish vice president understands that, hey, maybe this whole commander-in-chief thing isn't as easy as it looks. (Might wanna mention that with your get-well-soon bouquet to Wayne Palmer there, Noah. Do you think they make a "sorry I almost had you removed from power" card at Hallmark?) Bill and Karen have escaped both scandal and prosecution, and can retire together to make kissy-face for the rest of their patriotic yet morally responsible days. Nadia's proven to herself that she's not half bad as a leader, and can devote herself to bereavement therapy with Milo's way hotter brother. Doyle's down but not out, and likely to best this whole possibly-blind-in-both-eyes scenario with a miraculous recovery the next time Jack needs him most. Morris and Chloe will thankfully introduce the world to O'Brian 2.0, the world's first offspring with sarcasm built right into its DNA. And Jack, bless his tired, broken heart, finally had it out with his father — not the one at the bottom of the ocean, but the one who cut him so deeply by calling him cursed and taking the love of his life away. Not to mention leaving him to rot in a Chinese prison. We leave Jack not much different than we found him at the beginning of the day: lost, bewildered, and not sure if he can do this any more. Maybe if the world could stay out of harm's way for half a minute, he could figure out what to do about it.

I'll leave you guys to discuss the nitty-gritty details of how awesome it was when the oil rig went up in a plume of orange smoke and flame, or how you wanted to punch Cheng right in the teeth when he said his country wouldn't abandon him like we did Jack, or how relieved you were that Audrey didn't flutter open her eyelids and profess her love as Jack walked out the door…. But first, allow me to make a bold statement, if you will: Bill Buchanan is the new Aaron Pierce. Fly that chopper, you silver fox! Jack Bauer may well be the greatest American hero since G.I. Joe, but I'll always love the truly good guys that fill out the margins of this show. And when at least one of them gets to survive the season, that means the terrorists lose. We'll see you in January, Jack.

Want to see more 24? Check out our online video guide.

This week's theme: fighting back is futile. Josh did his Uncle Jack proud with a kick to Cheng's face, only to wind up pulling a Kim Bauer by getting himself into a precarious position and forcing Jack to save him, thereby letting Cheng escape. Lisa Miller went all "woman scorned" on Shirtless McGee — wielding both a bottle of wine and a bedside lamp like a Louisville Slugger — and found herself nearly choked to death. Nadia put up a good 10 seconds of incredulous snark before letting the goons from Division walk all over her and set up camp in her conference room. Hope you enjoyed running CTU while it lasted, Ms. Yassir. And Jack treated us to the classic scream-in-protest-while-my-nephew-who-might-be-my-son-is-whisked-away-in-a-government-chopper-and-I'm-held-down-by-an-entire-SWAT-team, which is of course a fine variation on the slo-mo "Noooo!" when your buddy cop is shot right before your eyes on the day of your retirement, and you have until the end of your shift to find the killer and make things right.

And I think that might be the underlying problem so many people are having with Day Six in general — the entire day has felt like Variations on a Theme from CTU. Presidential struggles for power, shady deals with foreign governments, honest agents mistaken for moles and good guys gone rogue…. I find myself humming the Barenaked Ladies' "It's All Been Done." (Don't get any ideas, Weird Al.) I guess when it comes to international intrigue — real or fictional — history really does repeat itself.

So where does that leave us? We're still on the brink of war with Russia and/or China. Papa Bauer's still pulling the strings and, not surprisingly, playing all sides, which should hopefully make for a somewhat interesting endgame. Jack's still desperate to do right by somebody today, and since it can't be Audrey, he'll settle for Josh. And I'm sure the world will be saved as a nice, tidy bonus. Remember back at the beginning of the day, when Jack got off that plane a broken man and we all thought we were in for the ride of a lifetime? Come on, when was the last time we got a poignant look at his acid-scarred hand? Where's my real American hero who "just can't do this anymore"? I miss the haunting specter of Grizzly Adams, rescued from purgatory and thrown into hell. And that may be the most disappointing part of it all: Once upon a time, it was all so promising.

Want to see more 24? Check out our online video guide.

So then I guess Milo's not a mole. I've decided that human resources departments all across the country should start screening episodes of 24 to their employees, highlighting the inherent dangers of interoffice romances. Best case scenario, the love of your life loses respect for you after you help terrorists arm a nuclear bomb that takes out more than 12,000 civilians; worst case scenario, bullet to the head. Plus there's all that pressure to carpool — it's more or less a lose-lose situation.

In other news, Papa Bauer's back! I'm finding it a bit suspect that Philip would convince the Chinese to launch a full-scale military assault on CTU simply to save his grandson — you remember, the same kid he was using as a human shield a few hours ago? There's got to be more to it… like maybe Josh is building a super-cool, freedom-hating robot in his tree fort, and Papa Bauer's gonna make a fortune selling it to the Chinese! They've asked us to believe a lot this season, so at this point I'm thinking anything's a possibility.

Elsewhere, high-treason call-girl Lisa is busy bedding her lobbyist-turned-spy while Lennox listens in (eww!); Doyle's out in the field, still a good minute and a half away from realizing that Cheng's men (hello, Asian Charles Bronson!) have infiltrated CTU; and Heller's long gone, having taken Audrey home to spoon-feed her tapioca and put the finishing touches on a restraining order — because if anything's gonna stop Jack Bauer, it's a piece of paper. As for our fearless leader, I can't wait to see how he turns the tables on the Chinese at the top of the next hour… hopefully it will involve his own special ass-kicking version of the Riverdance. Seriously, people, we've got three hours left — where's cranky Chloe? Is Logan dead or alive? Did Bill and Karen make up? How long before President Palmer pulls a Fatal Attraction and leaps out of the bathtub, Glenn Close-style, for one last shot at the brass ring? Is Josh really Jack's son or not? And for the last time, what happened in Denver? The clock is ticking, and my loose ends are starting to get loose ends.

Want to see more 24? Check out our online video guide.

"You're cursed, Jack. Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead." And you thought your girlfriend's dad was tough. I wish I hadn't seen William Devane's name in the opening credits, simply because there are so few good surprises left in the world. A sudden appearance by the guy we last saw plummeting off a cliff would have made for an especially fun one. Still, his overprotective father turned stone-cold badass routine pretty much rocked my world… because, hey, if we don't soon crank up Jack's self-loathing to "nothing left to lose," how are we gonna make the last three hours of the day go all crazy kablooey? Speaking of which, I'm guessing that's what the whole Morris-Chloe breakup is about. It's taken all damn day, but surely a broken heart is what it's gonna take to revive the surly, snarky, surprisingly-handy-with-an-automatic-weapon CTU tech we all know and love. I know you're in there, Chloe! I know what they did to you — dyed your hair, softened your hard edges, gave you a lackluster story line about Morris' drinking problem — and I promise you, I'm going to make them pay. Just give me some sign you can hear me…. And on that note, what does it say about me that I've never liked Audrey more than when she's a babbling loony? Hospital gown, torture marks, a thousand-yard stare and the occasional critical piece of intel — "Bloomfield!" — it's all very endearing. Plus, you have to feel for a girl whose romantic psychological breakthrough gets interrupted by a blow torch-wielding SWAT team. It's prom night all over again.

Just in case you forgot, we do still have the small matter of a potential World War III brewing — China's got the magic Russian nuke component, Russia's none too happy about it, and we're doing the best song-and-dance we can to keep things calm. The big question: Who's Cheng going to find with the "necessary expertise" to fix the damaged circuit board? Perhaps a lovelorn computer dynamo with a head for gadgets and a flair for sarcasm? I hope so, because this touchy-feely routine over at CTU is ringing a little false for me at the moment. I know I should be in Doyle's corner by now, what with brow-beating Nadia into doing her job and letting Jack spoon him unconscious, but it's tough to feel much for all these newbies. Aside from Chloe, Buchanan was really our last familiar face from the CTU of old…. Thanks a lot, Karen.

Meanwhile over at the White House, I'm incredibly relieved that Daniels discovered the real deal with Lisa Miller so quickly, if only because that means we're spared from watching him whisper sweet nothings in her ear. (I've been taking industrial strength showers since last week, and I still can't get the ick off me.) As for her other boyfriend, do you think Michael Shanks has it in his contract that he must appear in some state of undress at all times? Looks like Mr. SG-1's been working out.

Isn't that always the way? Jack's got everything under control until some bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, by-the-book punk comes in and ruins it. Way to go, Doyle. I get the impression we're supposed to be wowed by Mike's expert tracking skills (I mean, Nadia certainly is), but I'm still not buying Mr. Silver Spoons as Jack Jr. Maybe it would help if we knew what happened in Denver. On the plus side, I guess we do owe a little credit to Doyle for inadvertently saving Jack's life. Sure, Cheng's got the big bad nuke component and we're about to be smack dab in the middle of a Chinese-Russian rage sandwich, but at least we can rest easy in the knowledge that Jack's still kicking — and therefore mere minutes away from bringing the pain on someone who needs it. He's like the Old Faithful of vigilante justice (my apologies to Chuck Norris).

Meanwhile, I guess that foreboding vibe coming off Bill and Karen a few weeks ago was less about a literal death and more about the murder of Bill's career. And possibly their marriage. I hate seeing a good man go down just to appease Washington's need for a scapegoat, but with the season moving into a whole new arc here in the home stretch, it's kind of refreshing to see the fallout from the day's events. But perhaps the strangest part of this whole political dance is how much I'm suddenly liking Tom Lennox. He's sort of the Simon Cowell of the White House — he's no diplomat, but he shoots from the hip and more often than not, he's dead right. You can almost hear him prefacing his comments with an "I'm not being rude, but.... "

Let's see, a few other biggies: Chloe finds impressive new ways to use her snark to cut a man to the quick, with her snide "how about don't arm nuclear bombs for terrorists?"; Nadia's attempting to fill Bill's shoes until we get a new director of CTU, which should make that whole making-out-with-Milo routine delightfully more taboo (and no less gross); Audrey's one debriefing away from being that crazy homeless woman who talks to her own hand outside the frozen-yogurt place; and Powers Boothe is reaching all new levels of inappropriate in the Oval Office — "Call the media, tell them the acting president's a dirty old man." OK, sir, first of all, your pillow talk needs some work, and secondly... ewwww!

Rogue agent! If you had any doubt that Jack would move heaven and earth to rescue Audrey from those dadgum Chinese, then let's face it — you don't know Jack. Convincing Chloe to hack into Morris' system for the nuke schematics? Check. Browbeating the president into signing off on a mock handover of the component? Check. Getting the upper hand on Doyle and driving away into the night, one man on a mission of love? Double check. (And how!) As we learned last week, there's nothing more gratifying than watching Jack go it solo, taking charge of the situation as only the loneliest of lone wolves knows how. I'm thinking we'll see Chang buy the farm Fayed-style before the day is over.

Meanwhile, President Palmer the Younger pays the high price of getting his way — you save the country with your heroics, you're gonna wind up dead or incapacitated.... Just ask your brother. So much for Wayne's morally satisfying request for VP Daniels to step down — incriminating voice recording or not, ol' Noah isn't the type to go quietly. I loved that chilling moment as Palmer collapsed in the middle of his "everything's OK, really" speech, while Daniels calmly slipped his letter of resignation back into his breast pocket. Let's just save that for a rainy day, shall we?

So far I'm really digging this wild left turn — just when you think the crisis is averted, we're on a whole new wild Audrey chase, complete with recurring villain and the potential to start World War III. If only we could figure out a way to involve Sherry Palmer or Nina Myers from beyond the grave, we'd be all set.

Let's go ahead and start the bidding pool — who's gonna be the next casualty? I'm still having major dread when it comes to Karen and Bill, and as much as I think Bill would deliver some outstandingly mournful soldiering-on if Karen went down in the line of duty, I think we all know what happens after you've given several years of faithful service to CTU. Just ask Curtis. Or Tony. Or Edgar. Or George Mason. Or....

He's been a junkie, a Secret Service agent, a prisoner of the Chinese government and a dead man — and now, he's Jack Bauer: Ninja Garbage Man! Whatever your complaints about this season so far, you have to admit, there's nothing cooler than watching Jack take out a cadre of terrorists with his bare hands. (Just imagine how much faster that would have gone if only he'd had his trusty JackPack with him.) I'll even allow for the cheesy "say hello to your brother" as he strung up Fayed once and for all, simply on the merits of that rock 'em, sock 'em fight scene. The only things missing were a few classic "Pow! Zonk! Wham!" graphics, Batman style. And is it just me, or is it only a matter of time before we see that riding-on-the-axle-of-a-sanitation-truck conversation wind up as an ad for better cell-phone coverage? "Bill, it's Jack! Do you copy? You should, 'cause I've got The Network from Sprint."

This was also the episode for Great Big Bluffs — Jack and Doyle pulling a fast one over on Fayed, and President Palmer faking out Fake-istan (and his cabinet) with the threat of a nuclear strike. I think one might have had more impact without the other, but I'll take what I can get at this point. Evidence of Wayne Palmer's backbone is certainly a starting point — alongside a heartfelt speech to Lennox, the viewers and quite possibly the Cheers & Jeers section of TV Guide magazine: "I'm not David, Tom, and I never will be. But I am learning that who I am is not so bad." And then he looked right into the camera and flipped America the bird. C'mon, Wayne, show us what you've got.

Then there's the inevitable end-of-show shocker — and this one's a doozy. Audrey's alive! Not much of a surprise, but a hell of a direction for the last few hours of the season. So what do we think China wants in exchange for Audrey? Jack back in custody? Something to do with whatever they traded for him in the first place? Controlling interest in P.F. Chang's China Bistro? The possibilities are endless.

Perjury! Affidavits! Loopholes in the 25th Amendment! For a minute there, I thought we were trapped in some sort of C-SPAN alternate universe. Thank goodness for the Tom Lennox Redemption Train — it pulled into the station right on schedule, complete with super-sneaky listening device and resultant incriminating audio recording. We even got a taste of the old Tom for dessert, as he made a truce with Karen only to lie to her seconds later. A weasel never really changes his spots, does he? Of course, all this power-of-the-presidency hubbub turned out to be an exercise in futility, after Palmer launched the same retaliatory nuclear strike that they woke him up out of the coma to prevent in the first place. My current theory is that the presidential physician is supposed to be injecting him with adrenaline, but instead he's shooting the commander in chief full of Hulk juice: "Wayne mad! Wayne smash!"

Meanwhile, Jack's taking Gredenko out for a fun-filled evening at the Santa Monica Pier. Cotton candy, Ferris-wheel rides, and a quickie amputation by ax, coming right up! C'mon, people — just because a show promises to cut down on the brutal torture scenes doesn't mean we're gonna stop losing appendages here and there. I found Gredenko's betrayal of Fayed to be surprisingly chilling, as "the man from the news" fell victim to a mob beating on a barroom floor. Naturally, that's when Jack showed up to take him into custody, where he'll somehow manage to escape or take his own life rather than lead authorities to the nukes; there's some serious Bond-villain logic at play in the CTU-niverse. Why secure the threat simply and easily when a precarious and indefinite situation leads to much better drama? It goes with Jack Bauer territory, and I've long since learned not to quibble with it. But as much as I commit myself to suspending disbelief during each and every hour of this show, I have to confess a major "oh come on" moment: Fayed's shout of "I hope your friend is dead" rang so false to me that I actually had to skip back and make sure I'd heard him correctly. Granted, it gave Jack reason to deliver a pretty rockin' kick to Fayed's face, but not for one second did I believe that this steely-eyed mastermind of terror would indulge in such a goading outburst to Johnny Light Beer down at the local pub. It's a minor issue, of course, but I crave my Jack Attack so intensely that even the tiniest thing that takes me out of it tends to make me extra testy.

Which brings us to Doyle. He covered for Milo's unintentional security breach, and stunned Nadia with a well-timed quote from the Koran, explaining to her that "you're lucky, you found your answers; I'm lookin' for mine." Are you telling me we're supposed to believe that he's simply a troubled spiritual wanderer? Maybe "what happened in Denver" was simply a Youth for Christ Jamboree gone horribly, horribly wrong.

And a final thought — did that sweet little phone call between Bill and Karen make anybody else nervous? They may be two of the most powerful people in the government, but they're also husband and wife — and Bill's the sort of husband who's always there for his missus: "You don't have to thank me. It's my job." On this show, it's tender moments like those that often turn out to be famous last words.

Remember when Brian Krakow was just the uptight kid down the street studying for his calculus test and pining for Angela Chase? Now he's using his developmentally challenged brother to sell government secrets to terrorists. You've come a long way, Brian — hope you enjoy the Rain Man suite in federal lockup. As for his poor brother Brady, I kept waiting for him to drop the act (à la Ed Norton in The Score) and escape with Gredenko. Guess that was all just an opportunity to push Jack one step closer to the edge…. He couldn't take care of his own brother, so he'll just keep moving heaven and earth to save everyone else's.

And while we're on the topic of brothers, Wayne Palmer's awake! Although let's be honest — it's hard to wrest power from the hands of your war-mongering vice president when you're sporting one of those hospital gowns that hangs wide open in the back. Something tells me that once Noah Daniels gets his mind good and made up, he's gonna bomb the bejesus out of Fake-istan if it's the last thing he does.

Lest we forget that CTU has become the industrial-chic version of Melrose Place, Nadia's off the hook, Milo's head over heels in love with her, Doyle's still taunting us with the mystery of what the hell happened in Denver, and Chloe's been relegated to Rear Window duty from her workstation. I know that we're supposed to buy Milo as the new Tony Almeida — trustworthy CTU operative in the middle of a hairy on-the-job romance — but I still have my doubts. Come on: M-I-L-O… M-O-L-E… that's just one little vowel.

"It was a car accident somewhere in China." Whoa, Audrey's dead! Or at least, that's what China wants us to believe — notice how Chloe gave us that little loophole waiting to happen, about CTU sending Audrey's DNA to the Chinese government so they could verify her remains. Mm-hmm, sure thing, China — like we really trust you after abducting our boy Jack right out from under our noses. First of all, I love that this little reveal was the result of an almost-kiss from Marilyn, who apparently needs to be reminded that her husband died today. Secondly, I'll be the first to admit that the Audrey/Jack relationship always tried my patience at best, but with this new bit of information I found myself suddenly excited at the prospect of Jack and Audrey's dad, former Secretary of Defense James "I can survive a 50-foot plummet into the ocean" Heller, teaming up and bringing those bastards to justice. Hell, bring Aaron Pierce out of retirement and you've got yourself a death squad that'll have the whole world quaking in its boots.

Meanwhile, all signs point to Nadia as the mole inside CTU, which I'm guessing means she's completely innocent. And again with the reference to eager-beaver Mikey Doyle and his sordid past in the Mile High City — seriously, what happened in Denver? I'm guessing somebody made just one crack too many about that haircut.

Oh, and then there's the tiny little issue of the nuclear weapon on its way to take out San Francisco…. Did we ever have any doubt that Jack would divert the drone just in time? But for all his efforts to save the home of Rice-A-Roni from horrific destruction, it's still not enough to prevent our extra hawkish VP from ordering a retaliatory strike. One world war, extra mushroom clouds, coming right up. My favorite part of this is imagining Tom Lennox and Karen Hayes putting aside their differences and delightfully catty comments ("No, Karen, I tripped over your ineptitude") long enough to wrestle Noah Daniels to the ground — figuratively speaking, of course… unless we're really, really lucky.

First off, many thanks to Todd Thatcher for filling in last week — I can't believe I missed Jack cutting a guy's finger off! Remind me next year that vacations are for sissies. And I know that some of you were grumbling about Mr. Bauer's tendency towards creating international incidents inside foreign consulates, but c'mon: Russia and China are two totally different countries.

As for this week, where do I even begin? Apparently on the scale of "Hell hath no fury like a whack-job First Lady scorned," arterial stab wound trumps pelting your ex with bits of kiwi. Good to know. And while we're at it, show of hands: who thinks Jean Smart is a complete badass? Somehow I'd actually forgotten how much fun it was to watch Martha Logan oscillate between cogent human, simpering waif and saucy femme fatale. (Her delivery of "I need a drink" flooded me with the glory of Margo Channing, Gilda Farrell and Annie Wilkes all rolled into one.) More importantly, you know how taken I must be with a performance to bury my one-woman hallelujah chorus this deep… Aaron Pierce! Great googily moogily, we've missed you! The interminable wait to see what had become of our favorite former Secret Service agent was absolutely worth it, if only to hear him tell Charles Logan, "I no longer have to tolerate your sarcasm." I feel like a kid on Christmas who asked for an Easy-Bake Oven and got the keys to the Dolly Madison Bakery instead. All this and Ricky Schroder, too? Thanks, Santa!

And just FYI, I'm printing up a batch of "Powers Boothe '08" bumper stickers if anybody wants in. I have no idea what the man's personal politics are, but I'm sold simply by the idea of watching him school the opposition in a live presidential debate. "I'm still talkin'!" Yes sir, you certainly are. Just please don't blow us to Kingdom Come.

“This is the price of war. Make no mistake — that is what this is.” With President Palmer II down — possibly for the count — a new sheriff rode into 24-town this week, and with him, VP Noah Daniels brought a new attitude, and a whole new set of rules.

Honestly, I’m not sure quite what to think of this change of power yet. On the one hand, things did seem to be heading “to hell in a handbasket” under President Wayne, and Powers Boothe’s Daniels does feel like a far more commanding commander in chief. On the other hand, he just looks kind of, you know, evil (if only because of his uncanny resemblance to one of Lost’s fake-bearded Others). And that whole “loss of personal freedoms” thing is always a little scary.

Either way, I’ve got a feeling Lennox will decide to take Daniels’ olive branch and help the VP get his plan through; he’s just too calculating to throw it all away for the benefit of Assad’s “good name.” Of course, Lennox did take me by surprise (pleasantly) when he straightened his shirt and tie — and promptly turned in would-be assassins Chad Lowe and That Other Guy, so who knows what old Tommy will pull next.

With all of the White House machinations in this episode (just how many presidents, current and former, can you squeeze into one hour of TV?), Jack seemed to take an uncharacteristic backseat. That is, until he decided to pull one of his crazy invade-a-hostile-country’s-consulate-on-American-soil stunts, which are now becoming a JB trademark.

And while, as usual, all of the breaking, entering and hostage-taking looks like it will prove successful — as long as those darn Russkies don’t kill everyone he tells — our beloved Bauer is starting to feel less like a do-whatever-it-takes agent and more like a crazy guy with a gun (and a cigar cutter, and whatever else is handy). As a 24 fan from the very beginning — and of Kiefer’s work long before — it’s definitely getting disturbing to watch our all-American hero slowly become a cold-blooded, finger-chopping torture machine.

On a lighter note, it was interesting to have a kinder, gentler, less treasonous Logan in the mix, especially because he seems to have had a genuine change of heart — along with, by his own admission, a slight loss of sanity. And who knows, maybe their little backseat heart-to-heart will pay off and Jack will find his way down the road to some kind of healing. Though, judging by next week’s preview, it doesn’t look like Martha’s really buying into Charles’ Zen routine. Maybe it’s just that new beard that’s putting her off.

Todd Thatcher is filling in this week for the 24 blog’s usual writer, Chana Shwadlenak, who is on vacation.

"We're not cold-blooded murderers. We're just trying to save our country." It's a tough week for doctrine of all kinds: AA more or less ditches the "anonymous" part, Logan's been getting up close and personal with Bible verses that meet his ends, and the radicals behind eliminating the president put their money where their collective mouth is. I didn't have Weasel No. 2 pegged as a believer up until now — I figured he was selling the "save our country" angle just to get Lennox on board. But, sweating like a whore in church and looking ready to heave-ho at any second, that smooth-operating bastard went through with it! I'm pretty sure his display of mercy towards his mentor/hostage will be his undoing, whether or not the president survives. I'm putting my money on Palmer the Younger pulling through this one, but I hope he's learned a valuable lesson — this is what happens without Aaron Pierce on your Secret Service detail.

Meanwhile, Jack's having a heyday in the meaningful-stare department. More awkward face-touching with Marilyn! Bitter contempt for the former President Logan! The chance to don a suit and tie! I wouldn't want to be that Russian consulate — nothing says "back in business and ready to torture" like a smart pair of cuff links. I also got a kick out of Jack telling Buchanan by phone that he'd debrief him later, and then promptly proceeded to debrief him then and there. Mostly, I just enjoyed the hell out of watching Jack and Logan take turns chewing the scenery — if there's one thing this week served to remind me of it, it's this: Gregory Itzin was robbed of an Emmy this year.

Episode fun facts:

— Morris' former AA sponsor is Bart Simpson! Good for you, Nancy Cartwright — way to make Kiefer & Co. scratch your back for getting them on your season finale come May.

— I couldn't help but dial Chloe's cell-phone number, since it wasn't a lame "555" fakeroo... unfortunately all I got was a recorded message en español, with the words "Nextel phone for 24" sprinkled in for good measure. If anybody got something different, I'd love to hear the gory details; I was hoping for a snippy voicemail greeting from Ms. O'Brian herself.

— Did you notice the code Reed used to detonate the bomb? 624 — as in, 24 Season 6. Clever.

"Just trust me — it's personal." Somebody please tell me those words did not come from Jack Bauer's mouth. I'm having enough trouble dealing with Jonathan Adler's puny "See you later, decorator" every week on Top Design; this may be enough to push me right over the edge. Any shout-outs to John McClane aside, Jack's latest hour on the Day 6 roller coaster doesn't disappoint in terms of sudsy melodrama: My father killed my brother! My son nephew's a human bargaining chip! I can't stop awkwardly touching my recently widowed sister-in-law! It's a heady blend of the reaction shots and preposterous reveals that I've come to adore in this show, with a heaping tablespoon of gunfire for good measure. (Milo, way to take that bullet like a champ; I had you pegged for either a mole or a goner, and so far it looks like I'm wrong.) The line of the night honor goes to big bad Papa Bauer, in his at-gunpoint heart-to-heart with his prodigal son: "None of this would have happened if you hadn't turned your back on me, so you could become what — a civil servant?" Jeez, Dad, he was only saving the world — it's not like he turned his back on your empire of evil to become a mailman. And like every great emotional manipulator, the old man gets in a good jab and then conveniently misses the part where Jack pours his heart out, with a smooth Houdini move out of harm's way and into prime reappear-when-you-least-expect-it position. Kudos, Phillip — executed like a true villain.

Meanwhile, Lennox has second thoughts about offing the president; of course, we can't be sure if his change of heart stems from some internal revelation about the preciousness of human life, or simply because Palmer's actually listening to him again. I'd pose that age-old question about a weasel being able to change his spots, but it's a moot point considering he gets a face full of flashlight from an increasingly bad-ass Reed Pollock. (Chad Lowe, you're kinda rockin' my socks.) And back at CTU, Morris is dealing with "the drill incident" by abandoning his post and making a run to the Qwik-Stop, where the product placement is nothing short of genius: "Altoids — help cover the stench of your next flying leap off the wagon! Also available in spearmint and wintergreen." Let's just hope his sponsor turns out to be William Devane.

Of course, the last thirty seconds make up the best bite of the whole yumalicious meal. As desperately as I wish that mystery 310 number belonged to one Aaron Pierce, it's an even better jaw-drop than I could have dreamed: the man we love to hate, the one and only Charles Logan. The best part? You just know that wherever Charles goes, Martha can't be far behind.

Remember Darren McCarthy and Rita? Yeah, me neither. And therein lies the cruel truth about these two-hour events: If you're attention span-challenged like me, odds are you've forgotten all the totally kick-ass stuff that went down in the first 15 minutes. So, to recap on tonight's shock-value parade: Rita iced her boyfriend McCarthy for a shot at keeping that seven million dollars all to herself; karma came around rather quickly for her at the hands of Abu Fayed; Fayed's a regular Bob Vila with a power drill; thanks to the drill bit (my apologies), Morris caved and helped Fayed arm Suitcase Nuke 2 (of five); Chloe has very little tolerance for self-pity, but handles an automatic weapon better than she does a bitch-slap; Weasel No. 2 has friends in high places and a plan to "remove" President Palmer; Tom Lennox is on board with said plan — if this man loves his country, I'd hate to see the way he treats Korea; Kim 2.0 is in his grandfather's care, which means he's got all of 40 minutes to live; Milo ought to get part-time work as a driver for UPS; and Jack Bauer tried to tell you people he didn't think he could do this job. Thankfully, he's still dead wrong.

Along the way, we also enjoyed a couple of cool car chases, some gnarly explosions, and Jack's down-to-the-wire disarming of a live nuclear bomb. (I hadn't been that anxious since the first time I tried to surgically remove Cavity Sam's wishbone.) But for me, the highlights came during Jack's quieter moments: his first return to CTU after 20 months in captivity; facing his father's stern "you killed your brother, no dessert for a month" look of disapproval; confessing to Bill that he lost control while interrogating Graem; and even his matter-of-fact call for EMT as the night's final seconds ticked away — "Well, I've lost another tactical team… you guys are insured, right?" It's full speed ahead when you're saving the world. I will say that I felt a small twinge of disappointment at Jack and Chloe's awkward reunion. Dude, I know you're a manly man with a complicated past, but spare the poor girl a hug. You spent your entire lunch hour threatening to spoon your brother to death… and all Chloe gets is an emotionally pregnant arm rub?

Meanwhile, there's delicious treachery afoot in the bunker below the White House — turns out Reed Pollack is a weasel of the first degree. I'm not sure who this "Carson" is he's working with/for, but the bottom line is that suddenly he's the one pulling Lennox's strings and not the other way around. I just can't wait to find out if Reed's planning to do the dirty work himself (exactly how are we defining "conduit" in this instance?), or if he'll be bringing in some equally slimy backup. And not to belabor the point, but you know who is outstanding at protecting the President in the face of extreme danger? Secret Service Agent extraordinaire, Aaron Pierce. Can we fly in the last great American hero from his summer home in Boca and get him back on the job, please? The fate of our nation depends on it.

And here's my oddball Internet discovery of the night: I was trying to find the name of that TV-movie starring Missy Crider (who played the now-dead Rita) as a coma patient turned nymphomaniac (turns out it was called Sins of the Mind), and discovered that she's married to none other than Danny Kastner — the "guitar guy" from Season 3 of The Apprentice. Seriously? That guy?