In Plain Sight

Hey guys, the ball was not dropped, it was just suspended in jell-O for a few weeks. I was gone for two weeks with TCA and Comic-Con, and then our Fall Preview section kicked into high gear which takes a lot of our attention. I will do my best to get you recaps of the past episodes. I have been watching though!

To tide you over, I wrote a piece in Jump the Shark about the little baby in "To Serge with Love:"


OMG! Seriously, OMG! Do you watch In Plain Sight on USA? If you don't you should, it's very entertaining (minus the annoying duo of Brandi and Jinx who play U.S. Marshal Mary Shannon's sister and mother respectively). The reason I'm OMG-ing is because I'm completely in love with and in awe of this little baby they cast in the episode.

Rewind for a second — Last night I was watching the latest episode, "To Serge with Love," written by my brilliant friend Kathie Butler. My hubby and I were cracking up at all the jokes that we could literally hear coming straight from Kathie's mouth. It was a great episode and my husband (awwww) said, "Kathie should be so proud!" It's true... most of you guys have no idea how hard it is to write in this business. To get a script on air is like winning a gold medal at the Olympics, or so it seems to us writers during the struggle to be staffed.

OK, fast-forward back — as the story progressed, we discovered this little gem of an actor... and I mean, little! In the story, there was a little baby stashed in a bath tub by its druggie parents, and (the annoying) Brandi is completely thrown for a loop by this child. She basically changes her life because of this innocent little thing stuck in a horrible situation. She gives up her life of drugs and bad boyfriends, (and her prized teddy bear to the baby) and calls the cops on the druggies. Tears! It was so moving, and seriously, that baby deserves an Emmy! Did you see the eyes!? He/She had soul! He/She acted! He/She couldn't have been more than 4-6 months old, yet totally stole the entire show. I can't get over it. Bravo casting peeps at In Plain Sight. Bravo.

What do you think of this show? Did you see said cute baby? Post thoughts here.

Hey guys, my finger is still on the mend. And things are crazy around here because everyone is flying out to L.A. to cover the Television Critics Association press tour and then I'm off to cover Comic-Con. So be patient with us and the recap posting. We're doing the best we can!

We begin with two kids (African American kids) walking after school in South Central. The girl says her dad will be mad that the boy dragged her down to a bad part of town. But, they're having fun and clearly in major puppy love. Of course, a car rolls up with Latino gang members who starts harassing the girl about the junk in her trunk. The harasser tells the two kids they're in the wrong hood, and then puppy love boy has to go and open his mouth: "At least I'm in the right country." Oh no he didn't! Out comes the Uzi machine gun and blows puppy love away. Noooooooo!!! Bastards.

Cut to Iris McBride's WITSEC ID card: Now Iris Morris.

Mary and Marshall ride along bickering about using the term flight attendant vs. stewardess while Mary has a voiceover about how much she hates the phrase "I'm sorry"... mostly because people are only really sorry that they got caught. Heh! Then Mary sees her to-do list on the dash board: "Raph physical therapy – 3:30." With a guilty-sounding "Oh crap," we can tell Mary either already missed it, or is about to bail on it. Marshall says, "You must be the best girlfriend." Ha! Mary picks up the phone and calls Brandi to see if she can take him. Brandi acts (badly) like it'll be a big pain in the ass, but Mary sees right through it and plays along. Brandi changes her slutty bra to an even sluttier one. Oh no, here we go. The "I'm gonna steal your boyfriend bit." To my delightful surprise, she actually has a fit of conscience (I say fit because like a temper tantrum, they're acute and don't happen often). She shakes her head and says, "What am I doing?" Yes, stupid Brandi, what are you doing!? She picks up her phone to call the mysterious Chuck, and a chick answers. Clearly, he's steppin' out, and her self esteem just went to hell in a hand basket.

Marshall and Mary arrive and speak to who I think is another Marshal or a gang task force member of some kind. I really wish they'd introduce people better on this show. He says it took 5 hours to get the family all together except for the witness, who was stashed in West Covina... dude, that sucks for her. I've been there, it's hot and smoggy. At least there's a big mall. Anyhoo, the random police guy/Marshal tells M&M (hee, let's call Mary and Marshall that from now on), that they get to tell the family that they have to move to Albuquerque.

M&M enter the house to the sound of younger daughter, Lily, playing the piano beautifully. Of course, Encyclopedia Britannica Marshall busts out "Bach? Suite No. 3? I haven't heard that on a piano before." LOL... only Marshall. Mary informs the Dr. and his wife that they get to pack two suitcases each. They flip out, because they have no idea what is happening. This kid that shot Iris' boyfriend is in one of the most violent gangs in the country, and she can I.D. him. None of them will be safe until they leave Los Angeles. Mary tells them they have to leave permanently. Ouch.

The family is not accepting the situation because they have worked too hard to build their life. But they can't let Iris go alone, so they agree. Lily is adorable and teases Mary about stealing her boyfriend because she loves all things Latin. The family names every city but Albuquerque as possible new home sites, but guess where they're headed? Marshall sees their kids' growth chart on the door (aww, my family has that too, and has never painted over it), and empathy floods his face.

Back in Albuquerque at the WITSEC office, they are reunited with Lily, and the good Doc chooses this time to ask what the hell she was doing out in that neighborhood, and basically it's all her boyfriend Lawrence's fault. Iris, and good for her, yells at her dad for saying such a terrible thing considering her protected her from being shot.

Raph is getting stretched out in physical therapy and Brandi tells him to quit crying like a baby. He says, "How would you like it if I did that to you?" A naughty grin invades her face and he says to get her mind out of the basura ("garbage" for you non-Spanish speakers).

Mary gives the family the rules of Witness Protection, and they are rough. No contact with any friends, family or coworkers.

Back in rehab, Raph gets mad at Brandi for saying he had sexual dysfunction in front of the therapist earlier. She says that Mary doesn't have the vibe of a "satisfied" woman. Ha. Raph admits there's been no lovin' since before the proposal, but before that, he assures Brandi he and Mary were as hot as tamales. Did I mention Brandi is hanging upside down in one of the therapy contraptions during this conversation... and ignoring Chuck's calls? What an attention whore. Raph tells her to get over herself and talk to Chuck. The girl that answered Chuck's phone could have been an innocent friend. Just like they hang out, and Raph insists they'd never have sex. Brandi says, "That's because you're the gayest man on the planet." OK, that was funny.

In the WITSEC room, Mary drops the bomb that the Doc will not be able to practice medicine anymore. He throws a glass across the room and looks like he wants to murder poor Iris, who is beyond consolation. Outside, Marshall tries to calm him down by saying that it's a choice to make it or bomb out in the program. Doc says he can't get past the rage he feels at Iris for putting them in this situation. He can't even look at her. Wow! Parent of the year award goes to... not you Doc Snooty-Pants!

The girls are off to school, and Iris tries to hug her dad, who half-ass returns the gesture. Mary tells Iris that he can't stay mad forever, but Iris says, "You don't know my daddy." Poor thing. Mary takes the girls to school and pretends to be their aunt, which she's pulls off hilariously well. Marshall gets the Doc in as a volunteer doctor at a free clinic. Doc Snooty-Pants doesn't seem very grateful. Marshall lays the smack down on him and his snooty pants. I heart Marshall even more.

After school, Iris is nowhere to be find. Of course, the little wanker has tried to find out if Lawrence is OK by using a pay phone to call the hospital. Mary yanks her away and yells at her for putting them all in danger. Hello, Iris, you're smart. Caller I.D.!!!

Mary tells the family that the shooter has been arrested, and Iris will have to fly to L.A. to I.D. him. They look really worried, but Mary insists she'll be able to protect Iris better without her parents around. Plus, I think Mary hates the dad. Heh.

In the lineup room, Iris needs no time to identify the shooter, and he threatens her with a "You're dead, bitch." Why are gang members in scripts so un-creative in their threats? Iris comes back at the double mirror with the same threat. Go girl.

In the car, Mary asks Iris why she was in the bad neighborhood. Iris says they went to see someone but doesn't want to talk about it. Mary has a surprise for her: She takes her to see Lawrence who is doing well after surgery. She apologizes to him, and he says she didn’t do anything wrong. Iris admits she's worried she can't tough it out in the program, but puppy love says Iris is the strongest girl he knows — his hero. AW! Love them! Even Mary smiles as she says to herself, "Only a 17-year-old could get away with that kind of crap." Ha!

Upon returning to the apartment, Iris is feeling a lot better about her prospects in the program. Uh-oh, now you know something bad is gonna happen. Inside, Denise tells M&M that Doc Snooty-Pants has been job hunting all day — at eight other clinics. This makes Marshall furious, as he told Doc that he could only practice at that one clinic. He gets a call and leaves.

Marshall arrives at the bar that Brandi works at (what a coincidence), and Doc Snooty-Pants is plastered and getting belligerent. Marshall hauls him outside and yells at him for having a bad attitude, and demanding respect without commanding any. He says no wonder Iris doesn’t listen to him. It's awesome.

Mary arrives at Raph's with flowers and food, and after he checks to make sure the four horseman of the apocalypse aren't outside (hee), they have a cozy evening. They start to make out, and then Brandi pops in to ruin the vibe. After a bunch of nonsense about Mary not knowing anything about Brandi, and Raph knowing more than he should, Mary takes off. 'Atta girl — way to keep that emotional growth a float!

At the McBride's, Iris overhears mom and dad discussing their future. Dad wants to cut off Iris when she turns 18 so he can get his life back. Mom, and I now love her, tells him that there's no way in hell she'll choose between him and her kids. This guy is the more unlikeable than the bad guys on Law & Order!

The next morning, Iris has disappeared, and Doc Snooty-Pants says it's just another one of her self-centered stunts. Finally, Lily explodes (I've been waiting for her to chime in... something tells me she's got more to do with this than we thought). She tells her dad to stop blaming Iris for everything, because he has no clue what's going on. Mary tells him off as well, but then goes after Lily. Lily says the whole incident was all her fault because she was down seeing a boy from school, and Iris had come to get her. She was protecting her and promised Iris she wouldn't tell because she didn't want the a-hole father to hate both his daughters. Wow... that's just awful. Dad finally starts to get what a douche bag he really is.

They find Iris on a bus and she tells Mary what her father said the night before. Mary says that it totally sucks, but that she has too much to lose by leaving the program. Doc gets on the bus and tries to apologize but Iris is not having much of it. Finally, he tells her that he failed her and should have been the one to protect her. It's a much longer and emotional speech, but you get the drift. She accepts the apology and forgives her a-hole dad.

Mary goes to Raph's and gives him an "I apologize" hug, Brandi dumps her bag o' coke over the side of a bridge into a river. Ah, never has littering a huge bag of dangerous narcotics felt so cleansing! And M&M bring the white door with the height measurements to the McBride's new home. Aw.

So, what did you think of this episode? Do you like the story being more about the witnesses, or more about the Marshals?

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We open on a b-ball game ten years ago in Detroit. After the game ends, and the interested parties hand over their losses to a bookie, we see a young boy and his older brother playing in the background. The older brother talks smack about his bro’s game and tries to get the boy to step it up, and the boy looks crestfallen. He says something about how his mom and dad gave him 20 bucks a week for allowance. But the older bro must not have any money (and he's raising the kid now) so the bookie challenges the kid to make ten free throws for 100 bucks. The older kid agrees but the kid freaks... if they lose that money, they won’t be eating that week. The dingus basically says welcome to the real world, and tells him to start shooting. The kid nails it. Enter scary thugs. Thugs are pissed that there was betting action going down in "his" hood. He shoots the bookie, and tells the mentor that he and junior are now under his jurisdiction.

Cut to WITSEC ID screens: The big bro: Scott Worley – The little: Chris Worley

Oh, I forgot to tell you... this is going to be abridged tonight because I can’t type… busted my finger playing football yesterday. My finger is now the size of a football. Just this paragraph took half an hour.

Now we’re in present day Albuquerque. Mary visits Scott. He invites them to Chris’ b-ball game. Marshall runs into a hot librarian-type teacher he used to know from school. Sparks fly, Mary mocks.

After the game, Chris finds Mary and asks her for 3K for books and a new laptop. She’s says that the government well is dry and then he asks Mary. Wow, that was ballsy, no? Pardon the pun. She says they have strict conduct codes. Cut to Marshall making out in Mary’s car with the hot teacher. Codes, my ass!

Mary has breakfast with Jinx (ugh) and Brandi. Jinx has tossed away a FedEx from the FBI. Mary retrieves it and it says the FBI is ruling Jinx's husband/Mary and Brandi’s father is legally dead. Mary seems relieved. Jinx, not so much.

Mary asks Scott how Chris supports himself. Chris says he’s giving him money for books and a computer. Uh-oh, this isn’t gonna be pretty. Mary confronts Chris and he says it was a bet gone bad and he owes his friend who put it on his plastic. He’s got it all under control. Uh-huh.

After Mary mocks Marshall’s love for his old teacher (“oral exam” jokes galore) they witness some guys beat up Chris and steal his pimped out ride.

Chris comes clean to Mary and Scott but he insists he never bets on his own team. Mary doesn’t care; this is all sorts of illegal. He says he doesn’t have a problem.

Back at Mary’s, Jinx is looking at old pics of her hubby. Guess he was a gambler too, which made Jinx an awful emotional drunken mess. Explains a lot.

Marshall takes his lady out. In the washroom, Marshall gets a knock on the door. Hottie wants to become a member of the Diner’s Club — of hooking up in the bathroom. Someone is a naughty girl!

Mary takes Scott to a Gam-Anon meeting and has a huge breakdown about her father. Aww.

The bank calls Scott… Chris changed the check from 3k to 13k. Chris admits the real amount is 30k. Mary tells Scott not to give in, so Chris takes off. Scott is devastated but Mary promises to protect Chris.

Mary and Marshall talk to the bookie who Chris owed money to, and he says all hid debts have been forgiven already. Something smells fishy here. He says if they come back with warrants, he’ll out Chris as a gambler and ruin his career.

Marshall, using a brilliant Back to the Future metaphor, explains that Chris will probably engage in point shaving in order to pay the bookie. Mary tells Chris that she’s on to his racket and that he doesn’t need to go down that road… to know that there are people who care about him and will help him.

At the game, Chris plays, and Marshall gets a naughty text from the teacher. Mary has a lot of fun with that. Mary calls Scott, and there’s no answer. She senses something’s not right. Marshall says Scott’s been abducted, and Mary is playing it safe by acting like nothing is wrong as the bookie watches her closely.

Marshall uses the On Star in the car to track Scott down. Chris gets replaced as the rigged game continues. Scott has been found safe, so Mary talks to the bookie and thanks him for letting Chris off the hook. Heh, Chris gets back in the game and kicks ass while Mary taunts the bookie with cheers for Chris. He gets two free throws and nails one and dunks the second. Nice work. Marshall arrests the bookie.

Mary heads back to Gam-Anon to tell her story. Tears!

What did you think of the episode? Did you like the intertwining theme of gambling?

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OK, the titles are getting a little too pun-tastic for me now. For those of you who are too young to get the pun (*gasp*), the title refers to arguably, the most famous and most watched episode of TV: The "Who Shot J.R.?" episode of Dallas. Just Google it.

Anyhoo, we start out in an art gallery workshop with a couple arguing. Don't know the dude, but the wifey is none other than monotone Sherry Stringfield from ER! I guess her name is Marci, and she yelling at her husband (Jay) to stop seeing his mistress. What a pig. Mr. Sensitivity tells Marci that he will stop, but she's the publicity director for the museum and their paths will cross, so just "grow up." What an ouche-day ag-bay (my attempt at phonetic Pig Latin). Marci shifts gears and asks Jay what he's up to (by boxing up paintings in containers). He says he getting ready to ship some paintings he acquired from a private collection to overseas buyers. Marci asks astutely, "By acquired, you mean stole?" Heh. Atta girl... I can see where this is headed now. Can you say "sting operation?" He tells her to get over the whole theft thing; that the art is worth 2.5 mill and they'll get ten percent of that cut. So, says Douchey McGee, he needs to hurry up and get them ready to go or bad, bad things will happen to him. Just then, the FBI bursts in, and Marci reveals she's wearing a wire. How do you like her now, b*tch!

Cut to: Their WITSEC ID screen. They are now "The Arnsteins."

In the WITSEC briefing room, Mary, Stan and Marshall ask Marci and Jay if they have any questions about their new lives in witness protection land. Jay looks pouty and distracted while Marci is all smiley and, "Thanks for saving our lives!" When Marci leaves for a minute, Jay asks when Kay (his mistress) will get there. Mary almost has a coronary over the fact that Stan is allowing this a-hole to secretly have his mistress in the program as well. Mary doesn't want to lie to Marci, who thinks she's getting a fresh start with Jay (who she tells to "shut his hole." Ha!). Mary swears she'll quit before she plays a part in this game... until she realizes she has a mortgage to pay. Darn.

At Mary's house, Raph is on the couch with a busted ACL and Mary is wrapping his knee with ice. He insists he won't be there long, he doesn't want to impose. She says he's not, and he should stay, after all, it's just a temporary setback. He says, no, he'll be gone soon because "this is as far as we go." Oh Raph, don't go there. Mary says the same thing, and that she can only deal with his injury or their relationship, but not both at the same time. Mary makes me tired sometimes. She's a little too drama sometimes. But, she does give Raph a smooch before she leaves. Enter Brandi (thank goodness we get a reprieve from Jinx!), who asks what the hell "he's" doing here. Mary looks exasperated as she tells whiney brat Brandi that Raph is welcome to stay as long as he wants. She counters with, "What, now we're a nursing home for washed up Mexican pitchers?" He says he's a Dominican short-stop. Heh.

At the J. Arnstein Gallery, Mary spots Marshall and says, "Wow, look at you all upright and not dead." Ha! He does look spiffy. Marshall admires the art which is painted on wood from the late 19th century. Mary wants to bolt after they say hello to Marci and Jay, to which Marshall retorts, "What exactly is your problem with humanity." Hee.

Mary says hello to Marci who looks like a new woman. She's super happy and says her old Jay is back. When she leaves, Jay tells Mary that he's happier and healthier than ever and wants Kay out of the program because he wants to make things right with Marci. Wow, didn't see that coming. Mary is just as shocked.

Mary tells Jay he's nuts and that getting rid of Kay is not that simple. They're interrupted when Jay spots his "patron saint" Margaret. I guess that means she's financing this gallery. Then some man, who I shall now dub "Swarthy," makes a scene by smoking a cigarette indoors, and Jay tells him to get the hell out. He looks very sinister... I bet he's up to no good! Kidding, I have no idea. Mary asks how Jay knows Margaret. He says these paintings are from her collection and have been in her family for years. Mary says it must be hard to part with them, but Margaret surprises us by saying that she thought they were pedestrian early American crap. Mary is relieved she's not the only one who had that thought.

Back with the Raph and Brandi show, Brandi is hogging the TV and won't move. Raph tries to get some water but falls, so Brandi grudgingly gets him one and a beer for herself. She does offer to re-wrap his ace bandage, although Raph looks slightly terrified about that idea.

At the gallery, Mary and Marshall tell Jay that if they move Kay, then he and Marci will have to be relocated too. Of course, Jay thinks that's unfair, but Marshall reminds him that a woman scorned may give Jay's name to the guys who want him dead. Point taken. And, Marshall, or as I like to call him in this episode, the Wood Whisperer, informs Jay that the art is painted on Cottonwood and not Poplar.

Enter the drunken mistress. Marci punches her, which is awesome, but punching Jay is doubly awesome. He tells Kay to get lost after Marci runs out on the party. Kay looks devastated. I think they both should dump his ass. He's not even cute. Who's with me?

Mary calls Stan and leaves a sarcastic message about how they couldn't possibly have seen this mess coming. Heh. Mary and Marshall share some pie over a discussion about the morality of the situation. As Marshall says, pie makes everything better. Just as the pie soothes their souls, they get a call; Jay has been shot.

At the hospital, Mary tries to get Jay to tell her who shot him before he goes into surgery, but gets nada.

At the police station, Dershowitz (Let's just call him D.) has been keeping an eye on Kay. Mary pulls D. aside and asks where Marci is, but D. won't give her anything unless she gives him some details about her witnesses. Of course, she won't, so D. tells Mary to talk to Marci (she's in a holding room) about the shooting. Marci's in shock and pissed at Mary for bringing Kay into the program. Mary tells her that if the police suspect her for the shooting, Mary is the best friend she has. So, Marci tells her she was in the back of the gallery, heard a shot and found Jay on the ground. Mary asks about Swarthy, but Marci has no idea who that is. That was a pointless meeting. Mary tells D. that she's taking Kay and Marci into protective custody.

Marshall takes Kay to a cheesy motel, so she punishes him by making him fetch every allergy remedy known to man. Mary settles Marci into her room and asks for the keys to the gallery. Mary admits to Marci that she feels awful about lying about Kay. Marci basically tells her to eff off.

Back at Mary's house, Brandi is having fun rifling through Raph's overnight back. Of course, she finds the mother load in a little velvet box: the infamous engagement ring. Raph admits he asked Mary and she said no. Brandi musters up a "Poor Chico!"

Mary runs home early the next morning to change and finds Raph awake. He tells her Brandi has been very nurturing. Mary is as shocked as we are... although, we kinda knew she wasn't going to be a bitch forever. He's too hot for that. Which leads me to say, "Don't even think about it, Brandi!"

Marshall brings Kay her allergy crap and says, "I hope this fills the void." She goes insane from his "enigmatic" comment and starts screaming, "What void!?"

Mary breaks into the crime scene/gallery to nose around and finds a digital picture card. Surprise! D. is also there trying to find something the crime peeps missed. Mary finds some naked drawings, including Swarthy! What's he doing in a drawing? Just then, we hear a crash, and see a massive fire break out. Mary and D. barely get out thanks to the locked door.

Back at Mary's house, Brandi busts in on Mary showering because she wants to know the story behind the ring. Of course, that goes over well. Brandi says she's gotten to know Raph better and he's "not totally terrible." What a sweetheart. Mary says thanks for helping out but to keep her nose out of it. Brandi warns her that someone as good as Raph won't wait around long.

Marshall drops off a sandwich to Kay, who asks him to explain about "the void." Oh boy Marshall, what have you gotten yourself into?

Mary and D. bust into an art class that Swarthy is teaching. There's a nude model — so let the big penis jokes begin! ("Find it, I almost tripped on it!" "Does he charge by the hour or the foot?") Heh. Swarthy tells them to leave, but they have lots o' questions. Swarthy reveals that he and Marci were having an affair. The plot thickens! It's only broth thick right now... but wait! The wood columns in his room are made of Cottonwood! Now we're getting to béchamel-level thickening!

Marshall paces in the motel room as Kay cries about how there should be a possibility of her and Jay together. Marshall says no way, Jose. Then, Mary calls to confirm that Cottonwood paintings would mean they were fakes. Somewhere between Kay crying and this phone call, Kay has an epiphany that she should never have interfered in Jay and Marci's marriage. So, she decides to try to sleep with Marshall. Ugh.

Mary talks to Marci about the affair, and she explains the affair was a low point, but she still would never hurt Jay. Too late, because D. enters and arrests her for shooting Jay.

At the police station, D. questions Swarthy and tries to get him to confess to conspiring with Marci to kill Jay and split the money from the fake paintings. He says he'd never do that, but Mary says she knows he painted the fakes because they were on Cottonwood. He says, "I'd never dirty my brushes with that pedestrian early American crap." Hmm. Where have we heard that before?

D. pulls Mary outside to yell at her, but Mary cuts him off. She knows Marci didn’t do it because the person who created the fakes needed access to the originals. She makes a phone call to the "suspect" and tells her to come by the hospital now that Jay is awake. Enter... wait for it... Patron Saint Margaret! Complete with a syringe full of poison to finish off her original plan. But, Mary walks in with D. and foils her scheme.

Back at the hotel, Kay jumps into the pool to cleanse herself of her self-involved life, and opts out of the program with Marshall looking on.

Mary looks at the picture card she found at the gallery and sees pics from the opening as well as shots Jay took of Marci having her affair with Swarthy. Mary realizes that Jay needed to see Marci with someone else to realize what he'd lost. Mary visits Jay in the hospital and slips him the card so Marci will never know that he knows about her affair. The last scene is Mary with Raph asleep on her lap. Brandi walks in and sees the moment and looks either jealous or displaced. Maybe both. Either way, "Keep your hands to yourself, Brandi!"

What did you think of the episode?

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• Use Our Online Video Guide to Watch More In Plain Sight

Hello, my friends. I'm back to recap episode four! Episode three has been recapped and is posted below if you need to catch up.

We start at some weird sculpture in the desert. A man meets (the fabulous) guest star Dave Foley to discuss offing someone in exchange for money. Dave's got a ton of medical issues for a hitman including diabetes and asthma. But I guess that never stopped a con man assassin before! Actually, it seems as thought Dave's just kinda the middleman — meaning he doesn't do the killing — someone named "Lola" does. Dave takes the money from the man who turns out to be an FBI agent. Busted!

Cut to: His WITSEC ID, which is "Pending."

Mary walks into the office with a bunch of fancy coffee drinks, and Marshall immediately asks, "Who died?" Hee. He insists she's not a "treater"; so she promptly asks him for $3.50. Stan calls them in for a meeting, so Mary tells Marshall to collect four bucks for his coffee. She then spots a letter to Marshall from a security agency, and isn't remotely subtle when she tears into it to read that he's been offered a job in the private security sector. Oh that is not going to go over well. I wonder how many ways Mary will torture Marshall until he admits his disloyalty.

With Stan, we find out that Foley plays Horst Van der Hoff, who is a high price contract killer for someone named Lola. Apparently Lola has been a busy little killer bee and has two dozen bodies to her credit, including two judges. Until now, no one has been able to I.D. her, so that's why Horst is being placed in the program. Guess Horst is actually from New York, but got popped five miles from the prison where the target was located in Perryville. So, he's waiting in the Perryville prison for the Marshals to pick him up. A man was killed in that prison last night, which was unrelated, but even so, Stan says security is tight on this case.

On the road, Mary ignores Marshall by blasting her iPod and giving him zero eye contact. Once at the prison, he finally tells Mary that it's clear she wants him to figure out why she's pissed at him, but homey don't play that (sorry, channeling '90s TV for a sec). She refuses to look at him and says, "Don’t worry about it, in a couple of months we won't even be working together." Marshall gets an "Oh crap, she knows" look on his face. He's shocked that she read his mail, but she acts like it's totally normal. Heh. Horst comes out and says, "Oh great, two more minimum wage monkeys to protect me. Do the feds want to get me killed? Do you have any idea who Lola is?" Mary and Marshall ignore the smart ass witness and keep bantering about the opened letter. Mary says, "Were you ever going to tell me or were you gonna let me figure it out when you stopped showing up for work." Marshall counters with, "Actually I was going to write a letter and mail it to myself, that way I'd be sure you'd get the news." Ha!

And now, we're back with the "Jinx and Brandi Show of Annoyingness." Jinx is headed off to her imaginary job (remember the dog ate her makeup) while Brandi lounges in bed.

Marshall and Mary transport Horst who tells them he has to go to the bathroom. Mary tells him to hold it or hang it out the window because they're not stopping. Heh. But, she relents and they pull over at a gas station. Marshall takes Horst to the bathroom and he starts ripping on Mary for being mean, aggressive and toxic... and then she walks up to catch the rest of Horst's tirade. Marshall smirks and walks away. A couple pulls up and the woman drops her water bottle under the Marshals' SUV. The hubby picks it up, but there's something off about these two. Marshall looks under the car, but it looks clear. Horst is done with the potty and, thinking Marshall is there, asks for help with his zipper — and there's Mary! He looks at her and says perfectly, "Isn't this awkward."

On the road, Marshall insists that he was going to tell Mary, who of course, doesn't believe him. She tries to call Stan, but there's no cell signal in this area (Marshall says it's due to the iron in the mountains messing with cell reception), and the check engine light has just gone on. There's a sign that says last food and gas for 90 miles. This doesn't look good at all... especially now that the hood is smoking profusely.

Brandi is out for a walk to get a drink and spots her mom playing hookie at the same bar, surrounded by men giving her free booze. She calls Jinx on her cell, who pretends to be hard at work. So, Brandi guilts her with the, "I'm so proud of you speech," before she grabs a glass of white wine right out of her hand. These two are such a pain in the ass.

Back at the smoking car, Marshall gets out to see what the problem is… he quickly sees that something has eaten away at the undercarriage and fluid is leaking like crazy. A Mercedes pulls up — wait a minute — that's the couple from the gas station. This is bad! Marshall comes out from the car and is shot by the bad guys in the shoulder/chest area. Mary looks panicked but gets it together enough to get Horst and herself to lay down in the car to avoid the spray of bullets. At one point, as Mary tries to reload, the action slows down. It looks as though Mary could be toast, but Marshall, like a phoenix, rises from the ground and shoots one of the bad guys. They both go all John Woo on the bad guys' asses, until they retreat, and Marshall passes out.

Mary tells Marshall he's been shot, and he says flatly, "Oh crap." He tells Mary about the couple from the gas station and that they probably sabotaged the car with acid. Horst tells them to not worry about "the guy they should be protecting!" Oh shut up, Horst. Mary agrees with me. Mary tries to get the car going, but it can't even make it to the gas station (which is abandoned. God, I hate false advertising). Marshall tells her to get the radiator hose because they'll need it. I love how Marshall is a walking encyclopedia for every subject: Iron content in the hills, the mambo, chest wounds...

Back at the bar (really? I'm kinda over this storyline), Jinx tells Brandi that the eye-patch guy's dog ate her samples. Brandi actually believes Jinx and says she's screwed. Jinx says maybe she should just be honest, and Brandi balks. If she tells Mary, she'll get kicked out and Brandi is not gonna take Jinx in. No way! They agree to not tell Mary.

Back in the steaming hot desert, Mary helps Marshall walk as they force Horst to carry all their equipment. Heh. She asks if that was Lola, and he says, "What do you think, genius." Oh, come on, Horst, you know better than to say stuff like that to an "aggressive and toxic" woman! She throws him on the ground and roughs him up a bit. He says he's not sure if it was Lola since they've never met. They only do their business over the phone. Marshall says that those guys will be back for Horst sooner than later and adds, "Dun, dun, duuuun!" So awesome. I heart Marshall. Off to the abandoned garage they go.

Brandi tells Jinx to stop crying and figure out a plan. Jinx says she's maxed out all her credit cards, so Brandi offers a passerby the chance to sleep with her mom. Ah, nothing says daughterly love like trying to whore out your mom for money. I'm a little choked up over it. She tells Jinx to think outside the box (which sounds dirty given their conversation), but Brandi is talking about some "memory box." This should be interesting (or just annoying).

In the gas station, Mary cuffs Horst to a pole and Marshall tells Mary he has a tension pneumothorax (a collapsed lung). She gives him mouth to mouth and then tells her to use the hose to inflate his lung… by sticking it in the bullet wound. I just got queasy writing that. But it works, and he can breathe. Yay! Marshall tells her to stick the other end of tube into a bottle of water to create an air water seal. Told ya... encyclopedia.

Jinx and Brandi take her "memory box" (which is a jewelry box that she thinks is full of expensive pieces that are keepsakes from her past relationships) to a pawn shop. She's very upset at parting with them, until the pawn shop guys says they're fake. Poor Jinx is crestfallen. She thought those men really cared. I'm rolling my eyes.

Marshall tells Mary to leave on foot to get help but there's a change of plans when the bad guys show up again. They seem to have a tracking device that points right to the gas station. They know exactly where Horst and Co. are hiding. Not cool. Mary decides she'll draw fire and then Marshall can join in. But, it looks like the bad guys are just sitting and waiting until it gets dark. Mary finally asks Marshall why he didn't tell her about the new job. He says he needed to make up his own mind, since she's not the easiest person to talk about that kind of stuff with. Let's face it, she's a big ol' bully. She can't believe she's the reason he wants to leave. He says it's not about her. She counters with, "I can't believe I'm getting the 'it's not you, it's me,' speech from you!" Shut up, Mary and listen to your friend! He tells her that she's his best friend; his only friend. But, she's like working with an exotic animal. He either has to protect her from the world or vice versa. It's a big responsibility. She apologizes but tells him that's his job. She smooches his cheek and tells him he can't quit. He says, "OK." It's a really sweet moment. Uh oh! Marshall's water bottle has blood in it. Mary gets her guns and ammo to do some recon outside. She notices that the SUV only has bullet holes in the front and not where Horst was sitting. That bastard!

Jinx is drunk-crying which is the worst crying. She's feeling sorry for herself but then she and Brandi realize they'd be lost without Mary's generosity. They toast to Mary, their savior. Jinx decides she can't be a freeloader anymore and needs to let go of her past. She gives away her crappy jewels and asks Joe for a job at the bar. Well that should have been the obvious choice of employment for years now!

Mary grabs Horst and exposes him for the lying a-hole that he is. His diabetes meter is actually a GPS device. She tells him that she's on to his plan to have his friends bust him out. That he knew he would get busted out by his friends even before he was put in jail. Horst tells her she's crazy and that makes and that makes no sense. Unless, he's a Kinks fan! Horst says she's cuckoo, but she sings the Kinks'song "Lola." Horst is Lola! That rat bastard has been playing a game this whole time. Mary has figured out that he got arrested so he could hit the man who was killed in prison, knowing he would be placed into witness protection, and then use the tracking device to have his peeps bust him out. Of course he denies it, but we know Mary is right. She takes Horst outside at gunpoint and trades him for a working car. Horst and Co. are arrested by a road block as "Lola" plays over the scene. Marshall is carried out to the car and Mary speeds off. At the hospital, Mary finally allows herself to break down over her badly wounded friend. She's really scared he won't make it. Jinx and Brandi meet her at the hospital and comfort a sobbing Mary. Aww.

What did you think of the Marshall/Mary moments tonight? Do you think it was really in Mary's character to break down so completely at the end?

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Hey gang, today you're getting a special treat, two for one recaps! First up ("Never the Bride") is the episode that will go down as the one that was supposed to make Mary look "hot," but ended up making her look like a caricature of a Vegas stripper. I'm not quite sure if we're supposed to think she looks ridiculous... she's clearly out of her comfort zone in this Brandi-inspired getup, but suddenly every male in the episode loses the ability to speak once they sees Mary's magical boobs. Calling hair and makeup! Time for a do-over! She looked more like a hooker than someone who's had a "hot" makeover. She was more of a "hot mess." I'm sorry to go on about this, but it did bug me.

On to the show! We start off in Hawaii, six months ago with a couple making out in a hammock. Missy Pyle (how awesome is she!) plays a newly married wife who begs her husband to stop his "deals" while on their honeymoon, and forever after. She says it's immoral and dangerous and she doesn't care about the money. All she wants is to be with her hubby. He promises to stop and she rewards him by hopping on top of him and taking off her skirt. Heh.

Later, we see the "deals" are illegal diamond sales. The hubby meets with a South African dealer and the arrangements are made. The wife (we don't know her name yet), takes the diamonds to the housekeeping room and pays the maid to give her a suitcase to take off with the loot. That little harpy! She's conning her new hubby, who "trusts" her. Luckily for him, she's busted by the FBI on her way out. She's smart enough to say that she knows where 20 million in illegal diamonds are along with the men conspiring to sell them if they're willing to cut her a deal.

Cut to: Her new WITSEC I.D. as Treena Morris. She's in the witness room schmoozing up the FBI agent who nabbed her. This girl is a class-A manipulator and we can already tell that Mary loathes her. Stan doesn't get why the FBI guy, Bob, would care. Mary rolls her eyes and says, "Want me to draw you a picture?"

Trying, but not succeeding in hiding her contempt for Treena, Mary tells her that this is her shot at a "do-over," but that it will only work if she tries to be a better person than she was before. That she has to allow the possibility for something greater than herself. Mary says dryly, "I've seen even bigger scumbags than you make it stick." Heh! Treena doesn't seem to budge at all, and Mary says that she wants to know where the other 10 million in diamonds are... as if Treena would tell. Treena can see Mary hates her and tries the "you're very pretty approach." Then she ruins it by touching Bob's hand and saying, "How would I look as a blonde?" Mary looks like she wants to punch Bob out and tells him to get home to his wife and kids. Mary gives Treena six months before she screws up and goes to prison.

Cut to: Present Day… six months later.

Mary, Marshall and Brandi are poolside reading the paper (Brandi's just eying the pool boy) and Marshall says the paper predicts Raph's ascension to the big leagues. Now we know he's a baseball player! I guess I missed that before. Even though he handed the youth club leader 20 tickets to a ball game in the Pilot, I guess they sorta dropped the ball on telling us they were tickets to his game! Anyhoo, Mary basically says, good for Raph, sounding like a sourpuss. "And, he's not my boyfriend!" Apparently, Mary is 13 when it comes to relationships. Mary gets up to go drop her car at the shop before her massage, until she sees Treena's picture in the paper... she's getting married!?

Mary's voice over tells us that she hates con-artists more than murderers because they leave their victims feeling foolish and break their hearts... because it isn't enough to just con them out of worldy possessions and money. She enters a huge estate and goes straight to the large backyard pool. Treena, now blonde, hangs out with a new beau Mark and his mother Deandra (the awesome Joanna Cassidy). Deandra says, "Call me Dee, only my son's whores are required to call me Deandra." Instead of being defensive or hurt, Treena bumps fists with her soon-to-be mother-in-law. So it's that kind of family! Treena tells the gang that Mary is her best friend and maid of honor. Mary's face looks horrified, I think more by the maid of honor thing than the "best friend" lie. Heh.

Mary drags Treena outside flaming pissed. She tells her she's violated her security by being in the paper, put Mary and others in danger by outing her as a Marshal… so she's outta New Mexico for good. Treena freaks, and says she loves Mark and doesn't want to go. Mary scoffs and says, "just like your last five husbands?" Mary tells Treena there's no way she'll let Treena ruin another man's life on her watch.

Mary gets a call from Raph; he's been called to the Majors! He asks her to come by after work. Mary seems excited, but not thrilled.

Marshall is in the background Mambo-ing which is such a random character thing, and gets more random (it's supposed to be funny, but seems silly to me) when Stan basically tells Marshall to man up when he dances… "the peacock struts!"

Mary arrives at Raph's and he looks yummy. She's very excited for his new gig, but he seems distracted. Uh-oh. When he hands Mary a cupcake and tells her to take a bite we all know where this is headed. What a dingus, Raph! He clearly doesn’t know Mary at all if he thinks she'll want to marry him! After he finds the ring himself and proposes, Mary flips out and tosses the ring across the room. That was kinda uncalled for, but he must have seen that coming! She bolts leaving him very hurt.

Mary is at a bridesmaid dress shop wearing one of the most heinous gowns I've ever seen, when someone starts taking pictures of the bride from outside. Mary, in gown and heels, runs to catch the guy who tries to run her over, forcing her into a heap of garbage. She badgers Treena about who that man could have been. She denies any conning so Mary assumes it's about the stolen diamonds (which Treena continues to deny she has in her possession). In one of the best lines of the show, (after Mary asks for her "mother-humping clothes"), Treena says, "You're dangerously close to being kicked out of the wedding party." Such a crazy bride thing to say!

As Mary tries to find something to wear to Treena's frou frou slut-fest (aka bachelorette party), Brandi thanks Mary for letting her stay at her house and wants to know if Mary can help her get her life back on track. Mary's touched, and Brandi helps her find the appropriate outfit. Brandi declares, "Jesus, you look hot," and Mary stares in disbelief and says, "I look like a whore." Have to agree with Mary on this one.

On the way into the party, Mary stops to talk to Marshall, who now has lost his powers of speech due to Mary being dressed like a hooker. It's ridiculous, yet Marshall is really funny, so I forgive it. He does report that Treena's would-be assassins are all pretty much accounted for and not in any danger of harming her at the moment.

Once inside, Treena tells a horrifying fake story about Mary and her college days flashing one of their professors in order to get an "A." Then, the un-sexiest stripper, complete with man boobs and a jiggle butt starts the party rockin'. Mary pulls Treena aside to yell at her some more, but Treena tells Mary off about being a hypocrite... Mary hides behind her job all the time. Mary has no comeback because it rings true.

Mary complains to the stripper about how hard it is to balance work and relationships, but then Marshall tells her Dershowitz is here to see her. He wants to know how the photographer who took the pictures of Mary in the bridesmaid shop ended up with a bullet in his head. He was working for South Africans based on his cell records, and Dershowitz has already put together that Treena is one of Mary's witnesses. Mary tells Marshall to lock down the party, and tells Treena the wedding is off because the Africans are back in town. Treena refuses because she really does love Mark, and that she realized that she needed to stop being a coward and take on that crazy thing called love. This is buggin' Mary since she just crushed Raph's heart into a thousand pieces.

Treena gets a call from Mark; he's being held hostage by the Africans who want their 10 million in diamonds back! Treena has to tell Deandra, who surprises us all by being sweet as pie about the situation. Treena tells Mary to find the diamonds in her condo in a jar of frozen spaghetti. The diamonds aren't there, and Treena has ditched the party to save Mark by herself. Idiot. Mary and Marshall find Treena and the Africans in a stable outside of town using a cell phone signal. Mary grabs Marshall's face to smear lipstick all over his face to make it look like they were making out, but Marshall gets all hot and bothered and kisses her back. HA! That was great. She says, "What are you doing?" He says "What are YOU doing?" Love it. Of course, Mary plays the sitch off like she's Treena's friend who was having some fun in the stables with her boyfriend. The bad guys grab the diamonds and try to take off, but Mary slaps the horse's behind so he'll run them over. She nails the boss and tackles him so that his face is in a pile of horse poop. Awesome. The other guy hopped on the getaway horse (Really?).

Mary finds Mark and releases him from the trunk of a car, and what do you know! He's not pissed at Treena at all! Love these NM peeps.

Mary calls Marshall on his attempt to "throw down" with her in the barn with his best friend. All he can say, hilariously, is "I'm a guy! That's what we do!" Dershowitz, and I'm not joking here, rides by on the horse with the other bad guy lassoed behind him. Heh.

Treena and Mark have a lovely wedding day, and she opts out of WITSEC to go live her life anew. Mary finally gets in touch with Raph and tells him not to leave on his plane to Miami until she gets there. Try as she may, even avoiding a train at full speed as her crap ass car stalled on the tracks (she pushed it off herself, cuz that's the kinda bad ass she is!), she can't make it to the airport on time.

What did you think? Was Mary a total beyotch to Raph about his proposal? Did you love the Marshall/Mary kiss?

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Howdy everyone! Hope you enjoyed the recap of the pilot. Let's get the second episode party started, shall we?

We start with a little boy playing with a remote controlled boat in his backyard swimming pool. When his toy gets stuck, he gets out of the pool, only to hear a struggle inside his house. He creeps in, feet still wet, to find his parents and some other scary looking dudes arguing. His mom tries to call the cops, and a man pulls a gun. The boy screams "Mom!" and a shot rings out. The mom collapses, leaving the boy screaming. We don't know who fired the fatal shot.

We cut to a shot of the boy's new identity: Lonny McRoy is now "Leo Billups." We find out that the boy's father, Vernon, is a huge drug trafficker — and that he along with Luis and Jaime Cruz are accused of murdering Lonny's mom, Elizabeth. Lots of names; are you still with me? Cool.

Mary and Marshall look at the crime scene photos, while Stan explains that Lonny is entering the program by himself — not to testify against his dad for murder (he's already plead out to involuntary manslaughter), but because he has knowledge of his dad's drug dealings. Stan tells Mary she gets the pleasure of looking after the kid, but she balks. She "sucks" with kids. Marshall tells her she sucks with adults — she whacks him, he whacks her back. She whines, "I can't believe you'd hit a girl," and he deadpans, "You're no girl." Ha!

Mary meets with another WITSEC family to find "Leo" a new home. The mom (who is very pregnant) and dad seem very nice and normal. Mary tells the couple that Leo is sweet considering the world he comes from... but they are still hesitant to take the boy in. They decide to think about it while Mary joins the kid behind the two way mirror. He's funny and sarcastic, "Oh my God, are they praying? What kind of potato-head yolkles did you set me up with?" Heh. I like this kid, and clearly, Mary does too. And the couple decides they want to take him home.

After a commercial break, we see poor Mary trying to sleep while her mom has a loud and wild night next door. She allows it to go on and on, and says nothing. I'm sorry, but I would have kicked her out so fast the door would have spun. Gross! No parents having sex in my house, let alone next to my room!The next morning, Mary finally tells her mom that she's not allowed to have sleepovers, to get off her ass and get a job and that her sister needs to start paying rent or go back to Jersey. An eye-patched older dude then comes outside and asks who he has to sleep with to get a cup of coffee. Ew with a capital "E".

Mary and Marshall head over to Leo's adoption party at a park... everything seems to be going really well with his new family. Leo still has nightmares, but he's taken to his new sisters and brothers really well.

Mary returns home and her mom and sister have cleaned the house and made her favorite dinner. Of course, she feels like something bad must be going on, but turns out, Jinx got a job as a Dana Dean cosmetics woman, and all she needs is 2500 bucks to get started! Oh Jinx, you pain in the ass. Of course, Mary is a sucker and puts "transfer money to mom" on her handy-dandy to-do list.

Back at the office, some dude from the DOJ comes in and Mary cuts him off before he can even speak by saying Leo has all sorts of pending testimony, and they should just put it on tape. But, there's a problem: Vernon was released from prison and is suing for custody. Mary tells them no dice since he killed the boys mom, and to "strap on a pair" and do the right thing. HA! Apparently, in Indiana, state trumps federal in matters of custody. Mary is sure the only reason the bastard wants Leo back is to make sure he doesn't squeal any drug info.

At an airfield, Leo's parents meet up with DOJ guy (his name is Arlo, but that's just mean, so I'll call him DOJ guy) and Mary and are furious — maybe they'll keep him from testifying. But, a-hole DOJ guy says he'd be in breach of his WITSEC contract. Mary assures the parents that the judge won't give the father custody and that she'll bring Leo home.

Brandi and Jinx look at her products and Jinx assures her she'll be a wonderful saleswoman. Brandi looks doubtful. I feel doubtful that Ms. Scarlet could sell anything but her bustline at this stage in the game.

Mary, Marshall and the kid all stay in a safe house. Leo bilks the other law men out of some poker money (ha) and then it's bedtime. Marshall's pjs look more juvenile than Leo's (Double ha). Later, Leo starts crying that his real dad might think he doesn't love him anymore. Mary consoles him beautifully.

The next day, on the way to the courtroom, Vernon sees Leo and calls out to him. Leo responds but Mary whisks him away, and Marshal tells Vernon to step off or he'll consider him a "threat" to the boy.

In court, DOJ guy actually earns some points by trying to show the judge what a dangerous criminal Vernon is, but the judge ain't buyin' it because he hasn't been indicted on any of the other pending charges. Mary stands up and says she represents Leo's new family because they would be in danger if exposed to the public. The judge is a total beyotch and is about to deny the family custody when we hear a smash and a fire alarm sounds. They evacuate the room, but Mary realizes that this is a public building and records of the exits would be available. Outside, a sniper awaits Leo, but just as he enters the target, Mary snags him back to safety.

Back at the safe house, Mary promises to protect Leo.

Back with Brandi and Jinx — Jinx has decided that 10 bucks is enough of a profit to "celebrate" and then go to her eye-patched boyfriend's for a booty call. I'm so over Jinx already.

Later, Leo asks about Mary's gun. She shows them and explains what kind they are and then asks if he's ever fired one. He says no. Poor Leo... he asks Mary if his dad wants to kill him. She says no, but the people who work with him do. Then, he opens up and tells her that he has shot a gun... when the bad guys were after his mom. He basically reveals that he was the one who shot his mom, though he doesn't quite understand (or remember) that part of it.

Mary heads over to Vernon's to confront him about knowing that Leo/Lonny killed his mom. Mary realizes he's not quite the monster she thought he was, but she still doesn't want the boy to grow up in a drug dealer's world. She gives him pictures of Leo/Lonny with his new family that are all happy and smiling. We can see Vernon struggling with his decision.

Mary tells Marshall she can't turn Leo/Lonny over because they'll kill him for sure. Marshall agrees and says he'll help. The next day, the kid has to testify, and Mary gives him a good ol' pep talk.

Jinx has a meltdown when she sees her lover's dog has destroyed all her samples... of course, he won't repay her, making her feel like a big ol' hooker.

The judge finds for Lonny's dad, even though she detests Vernon. Just as she awards custody, he rescinds his petition and Lonny will be returned to his family. Awww, he does have a heart! Leo/Lonny is placed back with his family, and his biological dad gets to join the program and watch his boy grow up in safety.

Mary goes home to her mom passed out in her pink outfit. She tenderly covers her with a blanket, and goes to bed.

What did you think of the second episode? Does Jinx bug you like she bugs me?

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Hi there, it's Erin Fox here... (insert Troy McClure voice)... You may know me from such blogs as, Battlestar Galactica, American Idol and Saturday Night Live. I thought I'd try out a brand new show for a change and maybe less people will rip on me for whatever is irking them that day. I know I'm deluding myself, but just let me hold on to the dream.

So, I know tonight's episode is the third one of the season, but I wanted to post a recap of the pilot for those who may have some catching up to do. I'll be writing up the second and third episodes tomorrow, and much more succinctly than the first one outta the gate. The first one is all about getting you situated with Mary and her crazy sidekicks and cohorts. Let's get started.

Meet Mary Shannon (Mary McCormack): She's tough, smart, funny, sexy and doesn't f--k around. She also packs some serious heat as a U.S. Marshal for the WITSEC program, or Witness Protection for all us non-Marshal speaking folk. She has a sarcastic partner named Marshall (That's right, his name and rank are the same... Marshal Marshall Mann. It's a cheap joke, but I still laugh at it) who she bosses around... pretty much like everyone else in her life. But Mary has a secret: She cares deeply for everyone in her life, including the criminals that don't deserve her care or protection. As Mary tells us via voice over (luckily, not an annoying device in this show), on any given day she might have to play mother, father, priest, rabbi, marriage counselor, and occasionally homicide detective. Clearly "protecting" her witnesses is only a tiny part of her complicated job, and even more complicated life.

Meet the family: We have crazy mom Jinx played perfectly over the top by Lesley Ann Warren who mooches off Mary and doesn't have a job. Then we have crazy as in wild sister Brandi who shows up acting like a major drama queen, and also happens to be involved in some major drug dealing (judging by the hope chest full of coke that she digs into at the end of the episode).

Meet the others: Raphael, (Cristián de la Fuente), is Mary's HOT boytoy, who she clearly likes more than that, but is pushing him away for some unknown reason (I'm sure we'll find out soon... daddy issues). She enlists him to pick up crazy Brandi at the bus station, and while making a pit stop at a youth home, Brandi boosts his car. He and Mary have a big fight over the incident, and then a hot/sweaty make up session. He clearly wants more from Mary, but pushes her buttons the wrong way trying to achieve it. Stan is Mary's boss who has the most obvious and ridiculous crush on her. Shockingly, he's bald like every other "boss" on procedural shows and is used for comic relief (a little too similar to The Closer for my taste). There's also super-hot homicide detective, Dershowitz, who thinks he knows what Mary is all about... when will these men learn that they won't "get" Mary until at least Season 4!

The stories: The main story involves Mary protecting a mobster, Frankie, who flipped on one of the last of the big time bosses, Dominic... after whacking one of his main dudes, Petey. Not a smart move for Frankie, because the next day, his son and a girl named Sienna end up dead in the desert. There are a bunch of Native American bikers watching from afar… apparently, there's a big bru-ha-ha between land developers Kale Burke (Sienna's Dad) and Edwin Talltrees. Mary visits Mr. Talltrees and his son Kyle who was close to Sienna until their dads' had their falling out. Of course, Talltrees denies any wrongdoing in the land deal or involving the dead kids. He and his son have alibis, so Mary moves on.

Meanwhile, Mary has another witness to deal with named Tasha. Poor Tasha is from the Ukraine and got into trouble in New York City... she's having a hard time adjusting to her new city and gross apartment and bursts into tears. Here is the first time we see the depth of Mary's concern and care for her witnesses. It's pretty moving, and even funny when she asks Tasha if there is anything she needs, and Tasha blankly says, "They promised me new breasts… when I can get them?" Mary's look is priceless.

Back at the office, Marshall has discovered a phone call was received by Frankie from Dominic's son Richie. Mary, trying to track down Richie, pretends to be some hootch that Richie picked up and basically has phone sex with him (hilariously) and gets him to say he's in Albuquerque (what a co-in-ceedink! So is Mary and her witness!). After Mary captures and hands Richie off to Marshall, she tracks down Frankie and his wife in a church. Frankie threatens that if Mary doesn’t catch Frankie Jr.'s killer, he will exact his own revenge, regardless of the program. Before that happens, Richie finds them, but Frankie's wife shoots him before Mary busts through the door. So, where the hell does that leave us in the murder of Sienna and Frankie Jr.? You guessed it, nowhere.

In the middle of all this action, we have the family drama. It's Mary's birthday, she hates it, and what she hates even more is that her family is planning a surprise party that she knows about. She runs home between badgering witnesses, family members and suspects, and referees juvenile bickering between her mom, boyfriend and sister. Clearly, Mary is the only adult in her own life, which is why she may sometimes act like a petulant child. But in the end, she shows up to her party, and her mother is thrilled she's there, Brandi apologizes for being such a drama queen, and her boyfriend leaves her a note saying that he doesn't accept her definition of "what they are." And, when her sister gives her a necklace with a Native American symbol for "May you always sleep under the tall trees," she has an epiphany over who really killed of Frankie Jr., and Sienna. It wasn't about land at all, it was about Sienna dumping Kyle because he was Indian. He was heartbroken and made her pay along with Jr. with their lives

To celebrate solving the case, Mary passes out on her couch, post party, but then remembers she told Tasha she'd bring her groceries. What a long friggin' day. I'm tired just watching! But she also brings with her some x-rated magazines to pick her new breasts. God bless our government.

What did you think of the episode? Are you going to keep watching In Plain Sight?

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