Emmys Live Blog: Watching the Big Show!

11:02: We're in overtime. "I would say hi to my boys, but I can't remember their names," Patricia Heaton is saying. I'm with ya, sister.

11:02:30: 30 Rock wins best comedy. Poor Betty. Tina Fey thanks NBC boss Ben Silverman in advance for keeping them on the air for the next six years.

11:04: Cute, Tina just thanked the show's "dozens and dozens of viewers."

11:10: Tom Selleck's date looks bored out of her mind while giving The Sopranos a standing O for their best-drama win. David Chase is thanking all the musicians who worked on the show. Huh?

11:11: Chase is saying gangsters send their kids to school, and maybe this country is run by gangsters. Or something. This is why writers are writers and not speakers. And on that note, I'm gonna shut up and go look in a mirror. Now that I'm not an Emmy-blogging virgin anymore, I wanna see if what they say is true and that I'll really look different.

— Written by Ben Katner

10:51: William Shatner and Debra Messing halfheartedly joke that they were going to do a duet, but she wouldn't carry his love child? I know. I didn't get it either.

10:52: Yay! America Ferrera wins Best Actress, Comedy! And her boyfriend is cute, too! Oh, the whole Betty cast is in the bad seats except for her. Embarrassing.

10:53: Y'know, everybody always says America's really beautiful, but uh, she's really just not Betty is all.

10:54: Jimmy Smits and Kate Walsh are plugging their new series. It's as lame as that time Macy Gray showed up at an awards show with her album release date written across her dress.

10:55: Michelle Heller thinks I've been sharing my champers with Kate. As if. (I don't share. Also, I ran out during the parade of dead people.)

10:56: James Spader wins best actor in a drama, and he knows The Sopranos aren't happy about it. Luckily, he's wearing glasses, so they can't deck him. He's kvetching about his seat, too. Is it just me, or is he slowly beginning to morph into Andrew McCarthy?

10:35: Stephen Colbert joins Jon Stewart on stage with a leaf blower. Ah, another bit about the "green" Emmys. The leaf blower, Colbert says, runs on "Al Gore's tears. He's a crybaby."

10:37: Colbert accuses Stewart of flying to L.A. in his "private jet sandwich." Eesh. They're trying too hard. Where's Bruce Vilanch when you need him? I mean, I love me some Stewart and Colbert, but this feels forced.

10:39: Kyra Sedgwick clearly agrees with me. She's smiling so hard, I feel her pain.

10:40: Ricky Gervais wins Lead Actor, Comedy. "Ricky couldn't be here tonight, so instead we're going to give this to our friend Steve Carell," Stewart says. See? Right there, that was funnier than the whole leaf blower bit. Especially when Carell runs on stage.

10:40:30: Felicity Huffman is presenting with House. God, those Housewives really do hate each other, don't they?

10:41: Sally Field wins Lead Actress, Drama. Terrified of the Muzak, Sally is talking faster than a teenager after a double latte. The voice in my brain, also known as TV Guide's Michelle Heller, is excited about Sally winning, so I am, too. Plus, my roommate is always telling me Brothers & Sisters is the kinda show I'd love.

10:42: Uh-oh. Sally's screaming now. She's lost her train of thought and is just saying "war" over and over. Oh, those bastards! They mute her just as she's remembering what she was going to say — that war is bad and if mothers ruled the world, there would be no war.

10:43: Now they're trying to distract us with the dead-people montage. But it isn't gonna work. Cutting off Sally Field is just plain un-American!

10:44: Aw, Lily Munster died. And Glenn Ford. He killed in Gilda.

10:45: Still going strong. Lotsa dead people this year. But I'm still mad about what they did to Sally. Wait, Peter Boyle died? Why didn't anybody tell me?

10:46: Aw, Jane Wyman. Damn. Their evil trick is working. I'm forgetting all about Sally's impassioned, scatterbrained speech.

10:46:30: Merv Griffin got the coveted last spot. All the other dead people must be, like, so jealous.

10:24: Seacrest is wearing a Tudors hand-me-down and making the obligatory gay joke. What can I say about his performance tonight? He did his thing, dawg, but it was just aight for me.

10:25: Wayne Brady's looking all angular, setting up a Don't Forget the Lyrics gag in which Rainn Wilson and Kanye West compete to give out the next award. The category is "The Songs of Kanye West." The loser will have to retire from showbiz. Can't Ryan compete?

10:27: Wayne disqualifies Kanye for saying "you" instead of "ya." This is falling flatter than Amy Winehouse's hair during an AquaNet shortage. Why is Kanye wearing sneakers to the Emmys? Are they orthopedic shoes?

10:29: "I never win," Kanye mopily tells Rainn as they announce the reality-show nominees. Kanye's so short. And he doesn't look like he'd be such a sore loser, but from everything I've read, he is. Wonder if it's because he's so short.

10:30: Amazing Race wins best reality show. Is that show still on? Obviously, the Academy never tuned in to Charm School.

10:03: Seacrest asks Paulie Walnuts from The Sopranos to stop shanking the seat fillers. This is just sad.

10:04: Hiro from Heroes is introducing Tom from MySpace. This show just gets odder and odder. A voiceover is telling us about pods. I think it's an ad for this Current website? Did I get that right? It's no Facebook, but it must be somethin', 'cause now Al Gore is on stage and getting a standing O. I'm not entirely sure anybody else knows what the hell is going on, either; they just like Al.

10:07: Al's wife looks a lot like Jane Fonda, only without so much plastic surgery. Al looks sorta sweaty. How far away was he seated? Or was he a victim of the solar panels on the red carpet?

10:07:30: Joely Fisher is pulling off pastel yellow. Not easy to do. But she's another victim of too much spray-on tanning. Brad Garrett compliments her dress by saying she "just made Charlie Sheen's to-do list." Why isn't he hosting this thing? Heck, why isn't she?

10:09: Time for one of those random sorta awards where the Oscars vie with The Late Show. So, of course, Tony Bennett's special wins again. His stock is gonna be through the roof tomorrow.

10:10: Teri Hatcher's turn to present, with Anthony Anderson. He does a cute bit about how they are always going up for the same roles. Never woulda gotten that joke told if she'd been up there with Nicollette or Marcia.

10:12: Oh, Judith Light is up for best guest actress in a comedy! Dagnabbit! Elaine Stritch won. Well, fine. At least Judith will be back on Betty next season. Best guest actor Stanley Tucci is up at the dais with Elaine, helping her find the prompter. Aw, she's cute as a button.

10:14: Elaine looks super. By which I mean not anywhere near death. Maybe I used to think she was Carol Channing, because I could swear I used to think she looked near-death.

10:15: Yay! Ugly Betty won for best directing! Chug!

10:17: Yay! The Office just won for best comedy writing! Chug! Suddenly, working the Emmys doesn't seem like so much work after all.

9:50: Sally Field looks freakin' terrific. And she and winner Helen Mirren are wearing two of the nicer, more creative colors of the night. Unfortunately, Helen's dress looks a little like a safety harness. But at least a pretty-colored one!

9:51: Helen is asking the conductor to Muzak her off. "I'm going on and on," she notes. But she's British, so it's charming.

9:52: Lewis Black is sorta yelling at us now. He's like Gilbert Gottfried, only less greasy. But he's spot-on with his gripe: Enough with the teasers during a show for a show that will come on later! No wonder he's yelling. That stuff ticks me off, too.

9:53: Oh dear. Lisa Edelstein can't quite fill in her frontless dress. I'm 200 percent against boob jobs, and Edelstein's a knockout, but as Britney recently taught us, packaging is everything.

9:55: They run one of those annoying ads under Black as he is plugging Fox's fall schedule. They lost me there. The ad wasn't nearly as garish as the ones they normally run, and it only took up a quarter of the screen.

9:56: Kathryn Morris looks hungry. And who's that guy who looks like Kelly Ripa's husband that she's presenting with? I bet he's on a CSI.

9:57: The director of the final Prime Suspect won Best TV Movie or Mini Director. Kathryn Morris still looks hungry.

9:58: And now Prime Suspect has won Best Writing, TV Movie or Mini, too. So this guy had five weeks to write one script? He should try squeezing in a minute-by-minute blog entry between commercial breaks. Pass the champagne.

9:36: Kyra Sedgwick, Glenn Close and Mary-Louise Parker are thanking cable for creating badass roles for women. I'll second that emotion. Go, cable!

9:37: Mary-Louise should've stood in the middle to break up all the blackness of Kyra and Glenn's dresses with her red. Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee just won best TV-movie, and I almost missed it because I was rearranging the actresses on stage in my mind. I'm so shallow.

9:38: Joe Mantegna says it may surprise people "with my Danish looks" that he's Italian. Natch, this leads to a Sopranos tribute. But oddly, it has been linked to Broadway's Jersey Boys. Whatever. Those guys can sing! And unlike a certain pop tart who was once rumored to have been making an appearance at the ceremony, they clearly attended rehearsals without margaritas.

9:40: The clips of The Sopranos are so far in the background in the auditorium that they're almost incidental to the performance on stage. This could be the Tonys. Which Emmy can't possibly want. Don't the ratings for the Tonys usually suck lemons?

9:42: I'm not sure, but I think the Jersey Boys just proclaimed their love to one another. Well, they'll make a cute couple. All, um, three of them.

9:43: Night of the living dead! The cast of The Sopranos is trudging on stage. Man, it must be crummy to be sitting behind them. You get the wave, and that's about it.

9:44: Wait. All 498 of them got marched on stage for... let me get this straight. Nothing? What? To prove they were all there. OMG, Dick Clark would never have let this kind of nonsense go on.

9:20: Steve Carell just threw to a clip package that makes his costars all seem jealous of him. Cool of Fox — or maybe just smart — to let them do their thing even though The Office is on another network.

9:23: "What a great show... this part of the audience has seen," Best Comedy, Music or Variety Show winner Jon Stewart says, poking fun at the Emmys-in-the-round conceit. You just know they've got poor Mitovich stuck behind the stage. Hopefully he's at the bar getting scoop from Vanessa Williams instead. He's enterprising that way.

9:25: Tony Bennett's special won best music... er, special. Oh, gee. Now the producer is kissing up to him right on stage for the world to see. Wait, the guy just called Tony "Dad." In that case, it's sweet. If they aren't actually related, it's just creepy.

9:27: Mark Harmon and Marcia Cross — hot coupla presenters. And Marcia's totally got the girls out. Let's hear it for breast-feeding.

9:28: Oh, Toni Collette is nominated. And just like that, Judy Davis won instead for Best Supporting Actress in a Movie or Miniseries. I'm a jinx, I tell ya.

9:30: The president of the Academy is doing his spiel now. For a minute there, when he said this was his last year in that position, he might right the wrongs of past years and bestow Emmys upon Sarah Michelle Gellar, Lauren Graham and Ben Browder. But no. He's going on about charity. Which is good, and not just 'cause it gives me a breather long enough to finally try out that champagne.

9:02: Holy smoke! Queen Latifah rocks red! That woman knows how to carry dangerous curves like nobody's business. She's introducing a tribute to Roots.

9:04: Queen's still talking. Is she ever gonna throw to a real clip?

9:05: Oh, it's the cast of Roots on stage. Hmm. Pretty big cast. Something tells me they aren't all going to get to speak.

9:05:10: Portia de Rossi is working Veronica Lake curls. Not sure why she's the cut-to person during a Roots tribute, but, um, she sure does look purty.

9:06: The dad from Good Times looks awesome. Wait, all these people are gonna give out the award for best miniseries? Wow. That's quite a crowd.

9:07: Broken Trail won. Um, so the cast of this amazing, history-making miniseries had to give an Emmy to... a plain ol' Western? Coulda been worse. It coulda gone to The Starter Wife.

9:08: Duvall says his parents had to push him into acting. So I guess Dina Lohan had the right idea with Lindsay all along.

9:09: Hayden Panettiere's presenting with Neil Patrick Harris, and they are being made to do semi-sleazy banter, um, why? He's probably one of the only actors in the room who we know won't be hitting on the now-legal cheerleader fantasy.

9:11: Best-guest-actress Leslie Caron seems to be wearing a medieval breast plate.

9:12: What are those phone receivers that swipe between the nominated clips?

9:12: The Sopranos wins best directing. Maybe NATAS hasn't ever seen Dexter. Anyway, the director is very dapper, very John Slattery-looking. He ended his speech with... was that Chinese or gibberish? In either case, he indicated that it was something of a tradition with him. Hollyweird.

9:14: The Sopranos wins best writing, too. The way they break up the screen every time somebody wins, you can't really watch the clip and you can't watch the winner make his way to the stage, either. Bah!

9:15 They're trying to Muzak David Chase off the stage. It works. Unbelievable. He's the boss man of The Sopranos. He's gonna take this?

8:50: Seacrest jokes that the cast of Kid Nation is powering the "green" Emmys by running on treadmills backstage. Why isn't Larry Sanders hosting this?

8:51: Tony Bennett is singing now for some reason with Donatella Versace. Eek! Wait, no, that's Christina Aguilera doing a Paris Hilton impression (except vocally, thankfully).

8:52: The dancing looks slick when we can see it. (Hint, hint, cameramen.)

8:52:30 Is it really wise for a pregnant lady like Xtina to stand on top of a piano?

8:53: Is it really wise for anyone to wear that much bronzer? Easy, Christina. Easy.

8:54: Alec Baldwin presents a directing award to the guy who helmed last season's Tony Bennett special, without making any reference to his recent "troubles." This leaves me only to focus on how bloated he looks. At least now I get why Bennett performed.

8:55: Kiefer Sutherland and Ali Larter make a cute couple. And red is her color. But is it just me, or does she always seem a little stiff?

8:56: Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie goes to Robert Duvall. It's his first win, but he still takes time out to note that Kiefer is a fine horseman. Not sure of the relevance, but um, I'll go with it.

8:57: I'm surprised Duvall went for a gray tie rather than a black bowtie. He probably watches Entourage, too. Everybody's hipper than me.

8:57: "What a great actor he is," Seacrest says of Duvall. Powerful statement, that.

8:58: Ugh. Seacrest is feigning interest in a nudie pic of Vanessa Hudgens.

8:33: Ellen DeGeneres wings it till the prompter guy wakes up. You couldn't ask a Seacrest to pull that off.

8:34: It's a montage of late-night one-liners.

8:37: The guys from Entourage are presenting Best Supporting Actress, Drama, with Eva Longoria, which she jokes is appropriate because "no one's supported more actresses than these guys."

8:39: "S--t!" Katherine Heigl mouths when she wins. "Thanks for getting my name right," she says once she gets on stage. Oh, her poor mom. They cut to her right after KH announces that she told her she didn't stand a chance of winning.

8:40: Now Heigl is blathering on about her fellow nominees. Cue the music. Ah, there it is. The red lipstick is a bit much.

8:41: Molly who? Jon "Duckie" Cryer gets to present with Jennifer Love Hewitt.

8:42: Ooh, Variety Series Writing. Those are always funny because the writers submit their own taped gags. Bill Maher's Real Time scribes very naughtily spoof Larry Craig's bathroom antics.

8:44: Conan's team takes the gold. Why isn't he hosting? The top dog has a speech, he says, because "Katherine Heigl's mother said we'd win."

8:22: "Weeds, a great show, an amazing after-party," Seacrest jokes. Whatever, I think, till he adds, "Isn't that right, Paula?" And the camera cuts to a relatively lucid-looking Abdul.

8:24: Jaime Pressly wins Best Supporting Actress, Comedy. Oh, nice backless number. Oh, on second thought, better from the back, which doesn't exist. She says My Name Is Earl creator Greg Garcia wrote her a speech, which she has now forgotten.

8:25: She'd better not cry. Wearing that much makeup, it isn't gonna be pretty.

8:25:30: Katherine Heigl's name is pronounced HIGH-juhl? No. She just corrected the announcer. That's a riot!

8:27: Thomas Haden Church just won Supporting Actor, Miniseries or Movie, while I was trying to figure out how to IM Mitovich. Stupid technology.

8:28: Church gives props to Robert Duvall and Walter Hill, and says his Emmy will probably be his daughter's favorite toy next to SpongeBob.

8:28:30: Oops. Church has overstayed his welcome. But the music is too wishy-washy to usher him off stage.

7:55: OK, I've got a bottle of bubbly on ice, so I can chug... I mean, make a heartfelt toast every time Ugly Betty and/or The Office win, and I've got three pairs of ratty sneakers to throw at the TV every time they don't. So I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be to ringlead my first-ever live Emmy blog. Hey, I just realized that makes me a virgin! Be gentle with me, will ya, folks?

7:58: Yikes. Just read the preshow red-carpet coverage. Funny stuff. Now I'm nervous.

8:00: A song and dance from Family Guy's Brian and Stewie Griffin. Never got that show. Must be "thrilling" in the auditorium. Yep, look at Jeremy Piven. He's bored already.

8:01: Charlie Sheen and the tubby kid from Two and a Half Men liked being name-checked in the song. Some people are so easy to please.

8:02: T.R. Knight looks irritated by a lyric about Isaiah Washington replacing Kramer on Seinfeld.

8:03: OK, that's over. Things are looking up. Oh, I spoke too soon. It's Ryan Seacrest. Please no jokes.

8:04: OK, maybe he can tell a joke. Calling it "The Emmys — The Results Show" was funny.

8:04:30: Seacrest's special qualification: "Would any [of the past hosts] have showed up four hours early [to work the red carpet]?"

8:05: Wow, feel the unsexual tension when Seacrest says hey in his butchest voice to ex-"girlfriend" Teri Hatcher in the audience.

8:07: Nice to see Kristen Bell in the front row. Too bad it isn't for Veronica Mars.

8:07:30: Seacrest says his 18th-b-day gift to Hayden Panettiere is "seating her as far away as possible from Jeremy Piven." Heh heh.

8:08: Presenter Ray Romano let his hair grow out. Hippie.

8:09: Oopsie. Dead air. We miss the joke about Patricia Heaton hooking up with Frasier.

8:10: Romano jokes that his wife is dying for him to go back to work. She even suggests that he go on Flavor of Love. "'You like him,'" he says she tells him.

8:10: Romano's doing a whole monologue. Why isn't he hosting? He can do a whole funny monologue.

8:11: He's gotta be kidding. He loved The Sopranos finale?

8:11:30: Yes, he's kidding. That's the way sex ends for his wife, he says. The lights go out and she says, "It's over?"

8:12: Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series. I'm rooting for Doogie Howser.

8:12:30: Pivert wins. Blah. I know it's unhip not to love Entourage, but I don't.

8:13: Aw, nice. JP gives props to the writer who pens all their ad-libbed stuff on the HBO hit. The stubble really works on him.

8:14: America Ferrera and Vanessa Williams — yay! Vanessa looks red-hot in green. America... looks a little more like she's prom-bound. But I'm no Seacrest. What do I know of fashion?

8:15: Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. Go, Masi Oka! C'mon, he's the year's breakout star, right?

8:15:30: Terry O'Quinn. Well, I can't say he doesn't deserve it.

8:16: Holy crap! I just saw the bottom of Vanessa's dress! She's wearing Muppet! Egad!

8:16:30: O'Quinn makes a crack about wanting to collect the kinda paycheck that the Desperate Housewives do. He recovers from it sweetly enough, but golly, maybe not the ideal time to bitch that you don't get paid enough. He can always melt down his award.

— Written by Ben Katner

7:57: We saved the best for last! Mariska Hargitay gets my vote for most gorgeous, best dressed (Zac Posen!), best haircut, best earrings, etc. (It doesn't hurt that I love her show, Law & Order: SVU.) Enjoy the show!

— Written by Nina Hämmerling Smith

7:40: Seal and Heidi Klum take the prize for the most striking couple of the evening. That red Dior dress is va-va-voom!

7:42: Joey's mentioned needing a drink at least half a dozen times now.... Someone get that boy a martini!

7:43: Rebecca Romijn and America Ferrera of Ugly Betty are such a great odd couple. They're both utterly gorgeous, in such very different ways, and Rebecca stands at least a head taller than America, who's luminous in a blue Monique Lhuillier dress. Rebecca's wearing a vintage beaded Guy Laroche number.

7:46: Joey asks Anthony Anderson, of Transformers and the upcoming K-Ville, what he does not do. "Porn," is Anthony's instant reply. "Publicly." Poor guy can't go to any of the after-parties; he's hopping on a plane and heading right back to work after the show.

7:51: Love Rachel Griffiths' hair, not to mention that little lesson on Welsh pronunciation.