The Dirty Sexy Blog

I'd like to say that I have some juicy stories about a weeklong bender in Vegas to regale you all, but frankly people, I'm broke. And I'm not Hunter S. Thompson, nor do I have access to his drug arsenal. I did, however, lose a wager recently when I bet our staff writer, Jake Coburn, that Roy Orbison was blind. Apparently, he just had poor eyesight and wore those sunglasses purely for vanity. Vanity! I was convinced he was the white Ray Charles. I lost 20 bucks, and that is exactly why I don't gamble — 'cause I lose my shirt every time and the money always goes to evil conglomerates or in this case, Jake Coburn (author of Prep, LoveSick, and the forthcoming Jake 360). Same difference, really. Luckily for you, there will be no betting on Roy Orbison in this week's episode, just an old-fashioned high-stakes poker game. With billionaires.

In this week's installment, "The Game," Tripp and Simon Elder go head to head in a no-holds-barred battle of wills. These billionaires aren't playing for just millions — oh no — when money is no object, the payout comes in a different form… real estate. In this game, values are both sentimental and deceiving — who will really come out on top? And who is playing whom? Do I sound like the movie trailer guy or what?

The State of New York is playing a little game of their own on Karen when they refuse her application for a marriage license. Apparently she's still married to her third husband, the überhunk and anthropologist Sebastian Fleet. To what lengths will Karen go to divorce her ex-husband?

Patrick's senatorial candidacy is in jeopardy when somebody tries to out his relationship with Carmelita. Exactly who is trying to play this card? And will Patrick call their bluff? Jeremy lives up to the promise he made to his father and takes a job in the Darling Empire. Will he succeed or will he crash and burn in his new profession?

All of this and more — and no, I'm not bluffing — in this week's salacious episode.

Now I have to go figure out how to win my money back from Coburn.

A birthday is the most depressing day of the year… or at least it is for me. Usually mine is spent drinking myself into a stupor and then crawling into a ball and crying, wondering where my youth went. I'm sure I would be singing a different tune if on my birthday I inherited 25 million dollars. While the drinking and crying would remain the same, the tears would be of joy, not despair. If I inherited that much money, I would quit my job and move to Hawaii where I would body-surf and work on my rock opera, "Your Love Is a Bidet." Alas, since I won't be inheriting anything anytime soon (except maybe my father's backne) I guess I'll keep my job and continue on as your faithful blogger. I hope you're all happy.

In this week's episode, "The Bridge," Juliet and Jeremy turn 25, and stand to inherit 25 million big ones each — but first they'll celebrate by spending a million dollars on their yearly bash. The party-planning comes to a screeching halt when Juliet refuses to include Natalie Kimpton, Jeremy's girlfriend and Juliet's ex-best friend, on the guest list. Juliet demands another cool mil to throw her own Marie Antoinette-themed party, complete with guillotine and ladies-in-waiting, while Jeremy chooses to host his extravaganza on the Brooklyn Bridge. Yeah, that's right, the Brooklyn Bridge. Will the twins be able to reconcile their differences, or will the money drive them further apart?

Last week we left off with Nick climbing into the backseat of Simon Elder's Mercedes Maybach. After weeks of trying to track down Mr. Elder, what will Nick learn from him? Will it be something about Elder's secret business partnership with Nick's father? Or will Simon share his coveted beauty secrets? How does his skin stay so soft and supple?! God, we love Blair Underwood.

We also learned last week that one of the Darlings is not Tripp's child, but in fact Nick's half-sibling. Anybody have any guesses as to which "Darling" it is? Maybe you all can go to Vegas and bet on the odds. I can't believe I just advocated gambling. This show is corrupting me.

And speaking of illegitimate, how much longer can Brian keep his love child a secret when his wife is constantly eyeing his every move? And will Karen spill the beans about Patrick's affair to his wife Ellen in order to strike a bargain in Freddy's favor? And will Nick and Lisa's marriage come apart over a couple of ants?

All these questions and so much more on this week's episode.

Now I must get back to daydreaming about what I would do with 25 million dollars.... Somehow it involves a pool of Swedish Fish. I'm not sure why, but if you have that much money, why not?

ABC's Dirty Sexy Money airs Wednesdays at 10 pm/ET.

A lot of comments were left last week asking one question, and it wasn't, "Why did Simon Elder buy the sex tape?" or "Is Juliet really a virgin?" or even "Who murdered Dutch George?" Evidently, what readers of this blog want to know is: What is the Italian Banker and how can I do it? Dorjean left three comments asking for help on the matter — she went to two search engines to try to find out how to perform the Italian Banker. While I don't know all the details, I do know that it involves a roll of lira. It's difficult to find out more than that because the Secret Society of Italian Bankers have kept this position secret for generations. But if you do find out, feel free to post a comment and share your discoveries with the rest of us.

Now let's get to this week's episode. Unfortunately, there are no unique sexual positions in this one, but we do get to finally see the oh-so-sexy Blair Underwood. That's right, Simon Elder finally makes an appearance on the show.

Also in this episode, Nick travels to Italy to track down an obscure Italian wine and a person who might be able to shed some light on Dutch's murder. Nick attempts to make the trip a romantic getaway with Lisa, but is thwarted when Karen and her fiancé, Freddy, decide to tag along.

Letitia finally admits to Tripp that she had affair with Dutch. When challenged by Tripp, she tells him all of their children are his. But is that really the truth, or could one of the Darling children not really be a Darling?

And poor Brian Jr. Not only is he still a secret to Brian's wife, Mei Ling Hwa, but now he's being tormented by a menacing bully, Chora Birchmeyer. Will his father step in and help out? Not likely, but even Brian Senior might have a change of heart. Jeremy is still trying to keep his affair with Natalie Kimpton a secret from Juliet, but Natalie has a secret of her own.

And that's all I can tell you for now. If you find yourself wanting more, you should check out Patrick Darling's MySpace profile.

I should wrap up because Peter Krause is standing over my shoulder wondering why it's me who is writing the celebrity blog for the show. He makes a good point.

Enjoy Wednesday's episode, "The Chiavennasca."

Hello all, and welcome to the next installment of the blog. Or should I say, welcome to the next installment of the Dirty Sexy Blog? That's right, everything that coincides with this show has now been deemed Dirty Sexy this and Dirty Sexy that, so I feel obligated to follow suit. All departments on the production team have jumped on board and adopted the Dirty Sexy moniker — Dirty Sexy Casting, Dirty Sexy Craft Service, Dirty Sexy Grips.... It's a fact. Even this blog is dirty and sexy — I'm not sure why, but it is.

Yet nothing — and I mean nothing — in life is Dirtier and Sexier than a sex tape.

Yes, that was a not-too-smooth transition to tell you this week's episode [airing Wednesday at 10 pm/ET, on ABC] is about a sex tape. And no, I can't tell you who's in it. But I can tell you that the name of the episode is "The Italian Banker" — if that gives you any clues.

Not only is there a sex tape in this episode, but there are so many other Dirty Sexy plot-points. Last week we left off with Nick cracking the code to his father's briefcase, finding inside a dossier on Simon Elder, the billionaire philanthropist. Did Mr. Elder kill Dutch? That's what Nick is wondering when he takes this discovery to the police. Brian brought his illegitimate son home to his wife and kids, but instead of confessing his sins, he lies and tells them the boy's a Swedish orphan named Gustav. How long will the secret last? Speaking of secrets, Tripp forces Patrick to break up with his tranny girlfriend, Carmelita, before the launch of his senatorial campaign. And they're not hosting his launch at your run-of-the-mill banquet hall. Oh no! It grandiose Darling fashion, they're holding it at Bvlgari, the luxurious Italian jewelry store. Nothing says, "vote for me" better than a three hundred thousand dollar diamond necklace. And Jeremy's secret affair with Natalie Kimpton, Juliet's arch nemesis, threatens to be revealed when Natalie shows up to Patrick's campaign launch.

And that is the tip of the iceberg for this week's episode. You thought I would give more away? Come on.

That wouldn't be neither dirty nor sexy of me to do so. God, I can't stop. I need help.

First, a few words from Dirty Sexy Money creator/executive producer Craig Wright:

"Hi.

Of all the myths about television, the biggest myth is that shows are created by individuals. Certainly ideas are born, sometimes, in a single brain. But in television, those ideas are almost immediately retooled in conversation with producers, studio and network executives, and, perhaps most fruitfully, actors, into new creations. By the time the show gets on the air, what you see is the product of literally thousands of people — including people just like you who watched the pilot in a shopping mall or test studio and registered an opinion.

This is a good thing.

I like this system because, like theater, another highly collaborative art form, it mimics so closely the way reality as we experience it is generated: a small plan, an immense multiplicity of voices, a generous helping of chaos — and then slowly but surely a new thing comes into being — something no single participant ever could have planned, something (hopefully) much, much greater than the sum of its parts.

So, as we launch into what will be the brief or very long life of this show, it's important to take a beat to thank a few people that made it possible. First and foremost, Greg Berlanti, executive-producer extraordinaire. I came to Greg with a family of characters and he said, "Why don't we put a lawyer at the center?" The show was born. Then, in conversation with Greg, his producing partner Melissa Berman and my assistant Sallie Patrick, the show gradually came into focus.

Then a host of very intelligent people from ABC Studios and ABC, the network itself, joined the conversation and helped us clarify the vision even further. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the studio and network both pushed us at every juncture to make the show more unique, less generic, more daring — DSM got stranger and stranger with every day.

And that was a good thing.

Enter Peter Horton, the amazing director who delivered Grey's Anatomy to the world, and the show changed again, finding a soul of relatable emotion and sincerity. Greg and I had always known the show needed to be real — not just a satire — but Peter made it happen. He cast the pilot and brought a spirit of humane passion to the process of putting the script on its feet. His work was a tremendous gift.

Then along came our truly amazing cast (you hear enough about them everywhere else), crack showrunner Josh Reims, who constructs the season-long arc and breaks stories, and a host of others - creative people like production designers Dan Leigh and Steven Wolff, costume divas Pat Fields and Roberta Haze, composer Peter Nashel...the list could go on for quite a while. Even this week, the family of co-creators continues to grow as my old friend Jill Soloway (an amazing writer I knew at Six Feet Under) has joined our staff to bring her inimitable blend of humor and heart to DSM. Long story short, if there is a creator of Dirty Sexy Money, it's not me.

And that's a good thing.

In this same spirit of cocreativity, here's more of the latest news on DSM from another important voice, our Writer's Assistant Dave Levin. Enjoy. And truly, thanks for checking in and watching the show. We don't take you for granted and your voices, as you register concerns and ideas on websites and blogs, will soon join the chorus as the creation of Dirty Sexy Money continues. Welcome.

Ladies and gentlemen... Dave Levin!"

OK, you all are probably wondering why the writer's assistant is helping write the "celebrity" blog about the show? I'm not sure. More importantly you might be asking, what is a writer's assistant? Good question. When the writers are outlining an episode, I'm the guy taking notes. Or at least I attempt to take notes; I'm a slow typist. Lately, there hasn't been a room because the producers have been so "busy," so my job has been reduced to checking MySpace 15 times a day and surfing Wikipedia. The random article function on that site is just stellar. Upon clicking the button just now, "Red-bellied Brucie" popped up.

Good times.

Anyway I'm here to tell you all about this little show I'm working on, which airs this Wednesday (at 10 pm/ET, on ABC), so lets get to it. Inspired by Wikipedia, I will also give you random facts about the characters and the actors who play them.

Dirty Sexy Money is a glimpse into the lives of the superrich. We see that even though they have this glamorous, glitzy lifestyle, they have problems just like us. Well... maybe not just like us.

Our premiere episode introduces us to the Darlings, the fifth-richest family in the world, told through the eyes of their lawyer, Nick George. Nick inherits the job from his father who dies in a mysterious plane crash. Nick's job is to keep those crazy Darlings out of trouble and out of the tabloids, while trying to keep his own family together. Nick is played by Peter Krause, and I'm telling you, not only can he act, but he owns an apple orchard and grows an outstandingly tasty apple.

Tripp Darling, played masterfully by Donald Sutherland, is the family patriarch, who sees Nick as the son he always wanted. Interesting fact about Donald: He's always donning Crocs, the odd-looking yet incredibly comfortable Swedish shoes. That's right people, I pay attention to footwear — real men do.

Letitia Darling, played by Jill Clayburgh, is the family matriarch, who has a big secret that she's kept for 40 years and it's bubbling up to the surface. I've introduced myself to her twice. She actually remembered that we had met already and I didn't. She probably thinks I'm an idiot and I'm not going to say she's wrong.

Moving on to the eldest son, Patrick Darling, the attorney general who is being groomed to be the next senator from New York. He's in love with a transsexual, played by the beautiful Candis Cayne. Candis, believe it or not, is more attractive than most of the women I've been with. Scratch that — all of the women I've been with. William Baldwin portrays Patrick Darling with perfect comedic timing. Billy is a huge fan of the Yankees and will talk your ear off about them, not that that's a bad thing — unless you're a Red Sox fan.

Glenn Fitzgerald plays the second-oldest, Brian Darling, a whiny, sour, Episcopal minister who has an illegitimate child. Even though he despises Nick, he needs his help. While Brian is one of my favorite characters on the show, I have yet to meet Glenn, so I have no interesting tidbits on him. Perhaps I need to work on that.

Next up is Karen Darling, a socialite, who is about to marry her fourth husband, even though she is still madly in love with Nick, her childhood sweetheart. Natalie Zea breathes life into Karen, making her one of the most colorful and multifaceted characters on the show. Natalie got her start on the soap Passions; that is the only tidbit I know.

Rounding out the cast are the twins, Juliet and Jeremy, played by Samaire Armstrong and Seth Gabel, respectively. Juliet Darling is a celebutante in the vein of Paris Hilton; the difference is that Juliet has a soul. What? It's a fact. Samaire knows how to wield a Samurai sword but I'm too scared to ask her about it. Jeremy Darling is a well-intentioned ne'er-do-well who, like his real-life counterpart, is obsessed with outer space.

And there you have it — you are now fully introduced to the Darling family. What I love most about the show is the dimensionality of the characters. All the characters are fully fleshed, developed and executed, making it, in my opinion, one of the finest shows on television. We hope that you tune in this Wednesday and every week to see what the Darlings are up to. This show will take you on a journey through interesting twists and turns, significant moments, genuine laughs, all the way to — you guessed it — the smoother-than-silk Blair Underwood. Watch for him in Episode 4.

Till then, remember: You can't be filthy rich without getting a little dirty.