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« John Stone's Blog
Pregnant Jokes
My assistant is pregnant, so in honor of that I give you "Pregnant Jokes". 
A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew. "
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Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you if its still okay..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
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Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
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Mar 27, 2008 6:55 PM
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Are you the dad?  *runs*
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Mar 27, 2008 7:08 PM
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Are you the dad? *runs*
haha!!!
I'm running too!
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Mar 27, 2008 7:14 PM
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BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Love those John, these one are my fav. I needed a good laugh tonight thank you!
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
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Mar 27, 2008 7:30 PM
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No!!! I ain't the Dad. 
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Mar 27, 2008 8:42 PM
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You're welcome Molly.
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Mar 27, 2008 8:42 PM
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Cute
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Mar 27, 2008 8:57 PM
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Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Now you see, I think it's because they all know what she's been up to.
Fi - too funny! I was wondering the same thing! It isn't Carol is it? If it is better think about DNA. (snicker)
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Mar 28, 2008 12:18 AM
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So now she's the assistant since she got pregnant...poor woman....the things men will do....
(Runs quickly and hides behind the castle gate with the crocodile infested moat)
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Mar 28, 2008 1:49 AM
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Fi - too funny! I was wondering the same thing! It isn't Carol is it? If it is better think about DNA. (snicker)
No it ain't Carol.
(Runs quickly and hides behind the castle gate with the crocodile infested moat)
Won't do you any good sweetie. I'll get cha anyway. ![]<img border=](http://community.tvguide.com/images/emoticons/devil.gif) ">
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Mar 28, 2008 2:19 AM
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You better not let her read these John! If you do, make sure you run!
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Mar 28, 2008 9:09 AM
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  Love the first one. I have a friend named Denise who would find that hilarious! And she works with obstetricians!
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Mar 28, 2008 9:15 AM
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THOSE ARE HYSTERICAL!!
I can completely relate to the "terrible twos". YEOUCH!!
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Mar 28, 2008 9:18 AM
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Famin, I'd be surprised if she hadn't heard that one before. Trust me, once someone finds out that your name is Denise....you're told that particular joke. I've been told it so many times that it's no longer funny....especially since it wasn't my parents who named me.
Um....I need to send instructions for the barricades to be raised....
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Mar 28, 2008 10:33 AM
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Famin, I'd be surprised if she hadn't heard that one before. Trust me, once someone finds out that your name is Denise....you're told that particular joke. I've been told it so many times that it's no longer funny....especially since it wasn't my parents who named me.
Oddly enough, she hadn't heard it before! Or maybe because she just had two nieces born in the last two weeks she thought it was cute and was humoring me....
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Mar 28, 2008 10:46 AM
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