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My Dream Date with Scarlett Johansson
Scarlett Johansson by Jon Furniss/ WireImage.com
Scarlett Johansson is auctioning off a date with her to the premiere of her film He's Just Not That Into You to benefit UNICEF. At press time, bids were up to $700, but if she only knew what I had planned for us, no mere dollar amount could prevent us from being together.
5:45 pm: Romantic champagne toast at sunset atop the Empire State Building. Just so you know, I'll be drinking apple cider, since I can't partake since that bartender with a chip on his shoulder overserved me. But isn't this ankle bracelet hip? Also: I'm afraid of heights.
6:00 pm: Limo ride to the premiere. I promise to try to maintain unbroken eye contact with you at all times. You will never have to say, "Eyes up here, Mister," like my dental hygienist does. She's a card!
6:30 pm: Walk the red carpet. I will bring my tazer just in case anyone gets too close to us. Yes, even your publicist! I will also hold your hand — for security purposes.
6:40 pm: I will introduce myself to E!'s Giuliana DePandi as "Scarlett's fiancé." When you scowl, I'll say, "Oh, sorry, you didn't want to announce it yet, did you?"
6:45 pm: I might try the yawn-stretch-and-embrace move on you during the movie, but I will totally just be kidding and we'll laugh about it later.
9:10 pm: I thought it would be "fun" to eat hot dogs while hanging out the limo's moon roof and driving by my friends' houses and waving and taking pictures with them. It'll kind of be like Sixteen Candles, except I totally won't chop your hair off or drug you. Unless you're into that!
10:30 pm: After-dinner drinks back at my place. You like Jägermeister, yes? I know! Who doesn't? We have so much in common. Make-out sesh. (Optional.)
11:00 pm: When you mention that my auction prize also includes a handwritten note, I'll say: "Just leave it on your pillow when you leave in the morning," and you'll think that's roguish and charming, and it'll be all you can do to restrain yourself.
10:00 am: We'll sleep in. Then we'll call Giuliana and announce our real engagement!
Isn't forever better than a few lousy hundred dollars? — Mickey O'Connor
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Mar 3, 2008 5:15 PM
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60% funny, 40% scary.
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Mar 3, 2008 5:25 PM
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My girlfriend, Tina Fey, and I could not be happier for you, Matt. We were doing the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle together in our Manhattan loft today when we got this email notification. Perhaps you could introduce your wife to Tina's exaggerated quotes husband end exaggerated quotes, and then everyone can be happy. 
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Mar 3, 2008 5:25 PM
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Just the ratio I was aiming for!
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Mar 3, 2008 5:33 PM
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Ooops, sorry, Mickey. I missed the byline.
Um, do you know what Matt's wife is up to??? 
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Mar 3, 2008 5:37 PM
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Run!! Scarlet, Run!!!
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Mar 3, 2008 5:52 PM
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Question for the author: Curious why you chose to break your engagement news with Giuliana and not someone at, you know, the company you work for!
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Mar 3, 2008 6:08 PM
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Mickey, you made me proud, detailing that which I would have penned myself... were it not for the overly detailed restraining order. Now if you will ex-squeeze me, I need to go add $0.50 to my latest bid, and then find a pawn shop for Mom's heirloom brooch.
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Mar 3, 2008 6:39 PM
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I'm about to punch some people around here! Scarlett is mine and only mine - she just isn't totally aware of it yet!
but she soon will be!
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Mar 3, 2008 6:41 PM
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Okay, I laughed at the original item, but I laughed harder at the comments. Thank you, guys. It was a really sh**ty day and I needed a laugh more than a stiff drink.
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Mar 3, 2008 9:40 PM
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Thank YOU, Katcon. That makes this silliness all worthwhile. 
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Mar 3, 2008 9:46 PM
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I must be the only person on the planet who thinks Scarlett Johansson is very overrated, both acting wise and looks wise...
But anyway, funny posts guys!
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Mar 4, 2008 9:02 AM
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HA! Knowing Mickey (I sit three cubes down), I can tell you that Scarlett has nothing to fear... especially now that I will be sending her some pepper spray in a custom sparkley case. Looks just like lipstick, but keeps the pervs away! Not that you're a perv, Mickey... your evening out sounds quite lovely. I'd beware of that pesky Ryan Reynolds though... he's not going to let hottie ScarJo go after dating Alanis!
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Mar 4, 2008 11:56 AM
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"...I might try the yawn-stretch-and-embrace move on you during the movie."
How dare you try the yawn-stretch-and-embrace move on Scarlett. I invented the yawn-stretch-and-embrace move. Get your own move mister.
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Mar 4, 2008 12:02 PM
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Hey I am with Michael on this one.... REALLY curious why he would break the news to ugly old Giuliana, and not the BEST scooper of all time, Mr. Michael Aussielo!!!
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Mar 4, 2008 12:34 PM
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