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« Rescue Me Anti-Blog
Week Two
The ratings are in for the season premiere of Rescue Me [Tuesday at 10 pm/ET on FX] and I for one am dusting off my old audition monologues. Denis Leary (Tommy) spent all last night trying to squeeze back into his ladybug costume from A Bug's Life In the New York City tristate region, we were clobbered by The Uncle Floyd Show, a 36-year-old freakfest of a program that is shown on cable access. Mannix reruns killed us in the South. In the Midwest we simply did not register a viewing audience. In the West and Southwest we split a three-way tie for last with reruns of Dark Shadows and, again, damn it, Mannix. We did strong numbers in the Quaker community, but they are forbidden from owning or watching television. If not for a certain "Samuel the Mischievous," we’d have died there, too.
Bad omens abound. [Director] Peter Tolan has ordered construction of a 25-foot razor-topped fence around our set, ostensibly to keep his horses in, but there are those among us who believe it's to keep us from getting out. Jack McGee (Chief Reilly) made the mistake last night of bedding down in their hay pile and was almost nibbled to death. A very drunk, 665-pound Lenny Clarke (Uncle Teddy) crashed a golf cart onto our set in Midtown yesterday and demanded to play through. Just to quiet those Japanese businessmen he was with, we said yes. (I don’t think he’s even on the show anymore.) Callie Thorne's (Sheila) cow gave birth to a calf with two heads — bad enough, but one of them looks just like Mike Connors (aka Mannix). And Andrea Roth (Janet) had to be sedated after seeing a vulture hovering over our production. Turns out it was a kite. She is resting comfortably.
I would also like to take this opportunity to get a message of love out to one of our writers, the talented Evan Reilly. The message is this: We are all in some way fans of public nudity, but dude... people work here, and we also have to eat here. OK, pal?
In an effort to stop our ratings plummet, [producer] Kerry Orent thinks we should add Imperial storm troopers to the show. Now, legal issues aside, this concept in itself raises what I think are just too many problems. First of all, it would confuse the nine viewers we’ll have left at that point. And would they have to fight fires? Could we firefighters get cool guns like they have and, if yes, who would we shoot? The storm troopers? We got no beef with them. I’ll keep you posted on this one.
A sneak peek at Episode 2 would normally go here, so to keep tradition alive, here goes.
Jack (James McCaffrey) comes home early to find Mr. Roper (Denis Leary) in bed with Chrissy (Charles Durning). I’d give more details but word has just reached me that Peter Tolan has armed the fence with what appear to be 12 heavily armed “security officers” and is muttering about "taking it all down with me." So, until next time...
Editor's note: All of the comments expressed in this blog are purely the product of John Scurti's overactive imagination and do not necessarily have any basis in reality.
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May 31, 2006 9:23 AM
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Awesome! Keep up the...well...work. And if you can send me a way to get in touch with Probie (in touch in more ways than one) then HIZZAH! Another viewer.
For seriousness, great having you guys back.
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May 31, 2006 10:15 AM
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Well, I for one have looked forward to this premiere since last fall. Looks like it will be a great season.
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May 31, 2006 6:28 PM
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Great episode!!! By the previews it looks like your character has some great stuff coming up!
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May 31, 2006 7:13 PM
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Again, a humorously allegorical read. Thanks for a good laugh at the end of a rough day. I stayed up waaaay past my bedtime watching the premiere...and no one could wipe the smile off my face despite my sleep-deprived stupor...and it was worth every minute!
While the whole cast was wonderful, *you* were superb in portraying Kenny's angst. Once again, my heart broke for him, and I'm sure I wasn't the only woman watching who wanted to soothe his aching heart...and your comedic timing portraying Kenny drunk was priceless. You had me laughing and crying (the latter because my duplex looks uncomfortably similar to Kenny's).
Fine acting, John. Damn fine acting!
Faery
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May 31, 2006 7:19 PM
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Yes, great work indeed, John.
Your ability to show your character in the understandable state of "Rock Bottom" after the Call Girl took all your $ and then to discover she's a porn star...yikes. Why do I get this feeling it's going to be a long, long season 3 for poor Lou...
The scenes with Tommy, Sheila's kid and the science teacher...hilarious stuff and considering how gorgeous Paige Turco is as the science teacher (loved her on her stint on "NYPD Blue" a few years back) it's easy to understand why Sheila's son was so smitten and now why Tommy is--a male fantasy indeed.
Probey concerns me though...his disturbed reaction to continuing ridicule from Franco and Tommy may bring out his darker side again like what happened to him when he stalked his ex girlfriend. I think there's more there.
And whether this was the intention or not, my wife & I figured out that Tommy's Brother and Janet were going to hook up from the way they stared at one another at the Wake at the end of Season 2. We were calling it all hour. This is not a complaint at all as the hour was fantastic and your show is by far one of the best things on TV, but it seemed obvious...plus, the idea of Tommy's brother and hi ex wife is a perfect impetus for more amazing dramatic writing and acting by Denis Leary with an assist from Peter Tolan.
Great stuff and welcome back on air, "Rescue Me"!!!!
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May 31, 2006 11:14 PM
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Well I can say that both my fiance and I have been waiting patiently for season three to start and we were far from disappointed last night. Keep up the great work!
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Jun 1, 2006 1:07 AM
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Its nice to see someone that can write a hilarious column yet still have tact lol. Last night's show was great and can't wait for the rest of the season.
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Jun 1, 2006 1:34 AM
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Does anybody respond to these things?
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Jun 1, 2006 1:45 AM
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The first episode was brilliant, as I knew it would be. Dude, this show is just GOLD! I laughed my butt off as usual and was so content now that the gangs all back.
The not smoking and your drunken binge were hysterical. The Porn movie was so bad...the cord wasn't even plugged into the phone, I lost it man. Can't wait for the next eppy! Cheers!
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Jun 1, 2006 10:24 AM
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Funny blog! Really like reading it...
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Jun 1, 2006 3:23 PM
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I'd post something witty but I'm too preoccupied trying to figure out if storm troopers were to don bunker gear, would they even make it up one flight of stairs? Or fall over backwards? And, if so, would hilarity ensue? And, if they were in a burning buidling, would the storm trooper gear feel like the inside of a broiler? Oh, so many questions. Thanks for putting these disturbing thoughts in my head, Scurti.
-- yankeegirl
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Jun 2, 2006 1:39 PM
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John you're so clever. You get all the good lines and you deliver them so well.
I wouldn't mind seeing Darth Vader though. Maybe you could rescue some people at a Sci-Fi convention, in costumes or something like that?
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Jun 4, 2006 4:08 PM
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Great first episode-- like the new biker look..
Looking forward to the crew back in Ditmas Park Brooklyn. I love when you guys (TV Shows) cause parking chaos and then I can tell my people. "Oh Yeah, that's right next door to my house"
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Jun 4, 2006 5:36 PM
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Hey Scurti, you know who this is.. Gotta love what you do and love what you write...You are the best!
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Jun 5, 2006 9:20 PM
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