The episode we are working on this week, "The Italian Affair," deals with secret pasts. In cleaning out their storage closet, Eddie (Brad Garrett) and Joy (Joely Fisher) find a roll of film with photos from a trip to Italy they've done their best to forget. The reason they've tried to bury the whole vacation is that on their way home, Eddie spanked Joy like a toddler. She was so humiliated that she left him, and he had to do everything he could to get her back. For the last 20 years, Eddie and Joy have not spoken of their trip to Italy, lest they dredge up the old feelings of resentment sparked by this terrible event.
We also learn yet a little more about the sordid past of Steph (me). As far as we knew at the beginning of the series, Steph was as sweet and innocent as could be. True, she did trade sex for furniture, but for the most part, a joyful post-wedding romantic haze surrounded her. Things have changed since the wedding.
Before I bring us to this week's episode, let's do a brief timeline highlighting the key moments in Steph's transformation from sweet to sultry:
"Pilot Episode" (9/7/06) — We meet naive and cute Steph. Romantic Steph. Feisty Steph. But mostly newly wedded-bliss Steph.
"Dream Getaway" (11/16/06) — Steph has a sex dream about Eddie. Still innocent, though — we all have sex dreams. And it doesn't count if it's only the subconscious.
"The Anniversary Party" (1/4/07) — Jeff (Eddie Kaye Thomas) reveals to Eddie that Steph "dances like a whore." We then see what he means as she starts bumping and grinding with Cofeld (Anthony Anderson) on the dance floor.
"The Hockey Lie" (1/11/07) — When Jeff finds out that Steph is not really as into hockey as she first claimed to be, he begins to question other things she's told him. He asks if she's really only slept with 14 people before him. After silently counting to herself, just to make sure, she confirms the number.
"The Colleague" (2/1/07) — Steph casually reveals that the number is actually 15, including a Navy Seal named Dave.
"The Bachelor Party" (2/8/07) — When Joy comes down with a cold, Steph comes over with some "homeopathic remedies." The two enjoy some "special" hallucinogenic tea that, we find out, Steph receives in the mail once a month from an old fling in exchange for a hundred bucks. Yes. Steph buys drugs.
"The Italian Affair" (2/15/07) — Finally, in this current week's episode, we discover that Steph has taken photos in the nude. Drunk. In Puerto Rico.
While I'll admit that sometimes I dance like a whore (à la "The Anniversary Party") and have ingested hallucinogenic substances a few times (à la "The Bachelor Party"), I have never had a sex dream about Brad Garrett (à la "Dream Getaway"), nor have I ever taken naked pictures.
OK, there was this one time.... I was in college, my roommate's photographer friend had been wanting to take my picture. It was innocent enough, until we decided to knock out the last of the fourth roll of film with me in nothing but bed sheets — and not toga-style. But sheets is not naked. So, I am only like Steph in two out of three ways: whorish dancing and a few nights of seeing tracers, yes. But nudie pics, no. I don't think I could do it. Honestly. I think I'd feel foolish. I mean I feel silly enough posing for pictures with my clothes on. I can't imagine subjecting myself to posing with my clothes off.
When this series first started, I was always asked if I was like Steph Woodcock. And I used to say, "No, not at all." But I'd always add that even though Steph was nothing like me in real life, she was actually, in some ways, living my secret fantasy life. And what I meant by that was that I've always secretly (or not so secretly, I guess, since I'm telling everybody) dreamed of being married and living in a nice house in the suburbs. It'd be so nice, I sometimes think, if I could just move to a nice neighborhood far away from New York or Los Angeles and marry an amazing guy and write a book or take care of our children. It would be so nice if I didn't have a job that took me all over the place. A job that was so unpredictable. It would be so nice to know what my life might look like next Thanksgiving, because every year it is so different. (In the last 10 years, for instance, I have moved 12 times.) And since I continue to secretly wish for all of those things, I would still say, if asked, that Steph is living my fantasy life.
But more and more, it seems that I am actually like Steph in real life. Or maybe it's just that Steph is becoming more like me. And I don't mind that. So, Steph and I both have had some wild times. I don't regret anything and neither would she.
The "Italian Affair" episode of 'Til Death airs Thursday, Feb. 15, at 8 pm/ET on Fox.
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